One of the very first exercises that I was encouraged to take up by my coach was to develop an awareness of my body, my physical being and in doing so to discover that I am a living animate being, not just an emotional entity.

Exercises that I have taken up since the start of my journey to acknowledge my truth have occupied my head space for a period of time with intensity and then they have fallen off into a pattern of just being present.

I am now very much aware of my body. I am conscious, for example when showering or dressing and undressing of its existence. I will look at my hands and my feet after running and at my tanned face in the mirror (always a pleasure, that particular moment!)

Last week, as I knelt down in church waiting for Mass to start, in the quietness I noticed that I had a “Racing Heart”

My initial response was one of fear and an association with past experience of feeling anxious.

I focused, in the silence for a few moments, on my “Racing Heart”, and I slowly detected a rhythm in my head and chest of the blood being pumped around my body.

My fear began to be replaced with a sense of awe and wonder and deep gratitude for my physical life which is the conduit for my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and intimate life that I experience every day.

I was taught as a child that each of us are created as unique individuals in the image and likeness of God.

Whether we believe in a deity or not, we can all marvel at the wonderful construct which is our body.

No matter what its shape or its size, it should not be a surprise for each of us to experience from time to time the wonderful sensation of a “Racing Heart”

My next blog will be: “You do know that she is not a Catholic”

William Defoe

My daughter joined me and my wife for a long weekend at the end of our recent holiday.

We all enjoyed each others company which, to be honest, is no mean feat.

I have had to learn, through my development of self, to drop the “redcoat narrative” of expecting everything to go exactly to plan and to feel utterly responsible for everything including, I might add, the weather!

On Sunday evening after a weekend which had passed off without incident (which is remarkable!), my daughter commented “You seem quieter, Dad” followed by “Is everything OK?”

I told her that I had been learning through my coaching (which she is aware of) to be in control of my previous need to react to everything.

So she said to me – “does that mean that there are things that you want to say that you are not saying?”

I said, “yes, to a certain extent it means that i have learned not to vocalize all my immediate response to what I see and hear, but I am not suppressing my need to communicate, rather I am taking my time to find the right place and the right time to speak after conversing with my inner voice of calm”.

I said, “I have had a lovely holiday and a lovely weekend in your company you have been a joy”

My next blog will be: Racing Heart

William Defoe

As I make progress on my journey of self love and self acceptance, I occasionally try to explain my feelings inwardly as a metaphor.

I have this feeling that I am living my life “in a bubble” and that for long periods of time the experience was suffocating within the confines of the space that the bubble provided for me to breathe.

In recent times, the space within the bubble within which I live has increased substantially, as I have undertaken a journey of self discovery to accept my truth and communicate with my inner voice so that my understanding and appreciation of my self has grown.

The bubble in which I live no longer feels so compressed by the outside forces of judgement (of others); fear and isolation but appears now to “float” within an environment of which I am an integral part.

So if, like me, you feel like you are living in a bubble, create space within it to breathe and be true to yourself and move in the world freely by living in the present.

My next blog will be: “You seem quieter, Dad”

William Defoe

The new BBC 2 “Victoria Derbyshire Show” deals with some gritty social issues.

Last month one of the shows dealt with the devastating impact on the non-gay partner when a husband or wife comes out as gay after years of marriage.

The full article link is here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33382824

One of the contributors, Emma describes how she felt crushed when her husband of 20 years announced he was gay and eventually left her.

She explained how he has moved on in his life and how he is acknowledged for his bravery in “coming out” but the impact on her as being numbing and difficult to move on.

Her view from bitter experience is that there is nothing brave about suppressing the truth about your own sexuality and entering into a marriage which is based on a lie.

I agree with her and yet I find myself in the situation of being married and gay.

In my case. I lacked emotional maturity at the time of my marriage to recognise that my feelings were in fact homosexual.

It was only after six or seven years of marriage that I began to sense a real confusion and I decided to honour my vows to my wife, whom I love deeply and manage my feelings as best as I could.

Three years ago, after twenty five years of marriage, my inner turmoil and anxiety around my sexuality was so great that I did in fact tell my wife about my sexuality. (see earlier posts)

In my case, there had been no infidelity, and my wife was sympathetic to my situation and we both expressed a desire to work things out.

I embarked on an inner journey of self acceptance [Integral Coaching] and my aim was to accept my sexuality which I had previously rejected as incompatible with my faith and marriage, and at the same time try to work to accommodate my feelings, which could on longer be ignored or suppressed, into my marriage.

It has been a tough journey, but I have been surprised by my capacity to hold within me the complex strands of my sexuality, my Catholic faith, my deep love for my wife and children has enabled me to move forward within my marriage.

I wanted to say in this post, that I have done everything I can to protect my wife from the experience that Emma has endured but I could not have succeeded thus far without my deepening knowledge and acceptance of self and my wife’s growing capacity to accept and acknowledge my truth.

My next blog will be : Living in a Bubble (which will not be posted until August 4th – Au revoir!)

William Defoe

My wife likes to watch the ITV show “Jeremy Kyle”

She tells me that witnessing the problems that others face in life helps her to get a perspective on our problems re my sexuality and our journey to accept this within our marriage. (said with a smile!)

Last week we were away for our Wedding Anniversary and as we got ready to leave the hotel we spent a very funny thirty minutes sat on the bottom of the bed watching “Jeremy Kyle” and his guests.

I have seen an episode before, and it seems to me that the formats are all the same.

The families torn apart by infidelity, suspected infidelity, interfering parents into the lives of their children and protective parents concerned for their children.

This week a woman, after having given birth to a son six days earlier, had come on the show to prove to her boyfriend that he was the father.

However, she had taken a lie detector test, and Jeremy Kyle announced to a shocked audience that the results were inconclusive – shock, horror!

He then appeals for calm, “no” he says, the result means nothing, it was the new mothers pain following the recent birth which had prevented a decisive verdict.

He asks the father-in-limbo “will you accept that she is telling the truth, that you are the father of this baby?”

Father-in-limbo says he is still not sure and cannot accept her word.

Jeremy Kyle then announces, that we are not to worry because a DNA test has been done and he is in fact the father of the baby beyond all doubt!  Hallelujah!

The implication is that now that this is cleared up, the couple can get on with their lives with love and trust – problem solved!

I laugh at its ridiculousness!

My wife says she is going to take me onto the show with our issues.

I ask her, “What will be the strap-line?”

She says “My husband refuses to accept that he is bi-sexual”

We laugh together and share a hug.

So, to my surprise, Jeremy Kyle has provoked an interaction between us which speaks to me of the journey which my wife still has to travel on her journey to accept my truth and it will be my role to support her every step of the way!

My next blog will be: Crushed

William Defoe

I recently acquired a Bette Midler CD for my birthday, and at the current time, I am fixated with her version of the song “From  a Distance” which I have played on repeat in my car for periods of time.

The song, which I love, has caused me a bit of a dilemma because I don’t actually think I understand the lyrics (see below for full lyrics of the song by Julie Gold).

The song seems to imply that from a distance all seems fine, but in reality real close up, we all know that this is not the case, for example, From a Distance:–

The world looks blue and green

There is harmony

We all have enough and no one is in need

And there are no guns, no bombs and no disease and no hungry mouths to feed

(So, I get that – are you with me so far?)

But then, here is the rub with me with this song:-

God is watching us, from a distance

Now this, to me, seems to imply that God sees the blue and the green and white mountains and the harmony and the absence of violence, famine and disease.

I prefer to think that God (who I do believe in, for the record) is up real close and lives within each one of us.

In that case, my logic is telling me (S)He experiences the world through us and in us and that (S)HE is aware of all our suffering, anguish and joy.

I am on a journey, to release my soul from it’s anguish, and although I am fairly reluctant to theologise that journey, I am prepared to acknowledge the element of the Divine; the element of the everlasting; the element of the deepest love; that is God within my soul.

That said, I love this song and Bette Midler is a legend so I will keep it on repeat for some time to come!

My next blog will be: Jeremy Kyle

William Defoe

Recently I attended an outdoor brass music festival with my wife and we took along some camping chairs and a picnic to enjoy whilst we listened to the wonderful music.

I had no sooner sat down when I became aware that a family group in front of me were a chair short for a young girl aged about twenty years old.

The girl was quite happily sat on the floor, but my reverie was interrupted by this nagging sensation that I had a spare chair in the boot of my car and that it was in my power/gift to solve the problem.

My inner voice speaks up – what problem? who’s problem? is it a problem for you to solve?

I decided to hold back….

Still the inner dilemma was interrupting my enjoyment of the music  – if I just went for the chair – all would be alright and I’d once again be lauded by all for my generosity and kindness.

I continued to hold back…..

My inner voice reminding me that there was not a problem and that nothing in the young girls demeanor or for that matter of her mother, sisters and aunt suggested that her situation on the floor was a concern.

I focused my thoughts on the wonderful array of bands and music and the warm sunshine and the sheer bliss of the annual event.

As I left the festival, I felt strangely strengthened by my ability to hold back and not to intervene to resolve a perceived problem that I had generated in my mind.

Yes, I felt strengthened, but resolved that if at any time I had been made aware that the young girl had wanted a chair, I would have offered to bring her one!!

My next blog will be:   “From a Distance”

William Defoe

I am attending a session of Integral Coaching with my amazing coach on Friday.

I’m feeling a bit stirred up !

It feels a bit like a period of pre-exam revision as thoughts and feelings come pouring into my mind and I try to organise them into coherent stories to discuss with my coach.

My attitude to coaching is that it essentially it is I who have to prepare and although I am sure she does prepare to see me, my intention is to be prepared for her – my expectation is that I will be prepared for my meeting with her, not the other way round.

I prepare as follows:-

• I allow thoughts, ideas, memories to whirl around until I arrive at a point that I need to jot as many down as I can with minimum effort – if I have to force the stuff out, I have not allowed enough time to think freely.
• I review my last update and write down any progress or regression that I have experienced
• I review my previously agreed actions and think about whether I have made progress or not – I resist any feeling of guilt or judgement about whether I have done what I set out to do – that in my view would be counter-productive.
• I review my diary since I last saw her for themes that have been coming up that perhaps have the origins of a pattern of behaviour that I want to explore with her when we meet.
• I review any literature that I have read – particularly if she has recommended books/blogs/articles to me and I have a quick review to seek out any topics that struck a chord within me.
• I review my own blog posts and see if within them there are connecting stories which perhaps demonstrate my progress to my desired outcomes from the coaching process.

Out of all this preparation drops out a neat little list of issues that I feel would be good for me to discuss with her and so I write a brief update of issues/progress/setbacks together with a suggested agenda for our meeting.

This means that when I meet with her, I am prepared and she is briefed and has some advance knowledge of my place on the journey at this present moment in time.

And, I think I have a better chance of being able to actively listen when she does speak so that I am propelled forward onto the next stage of my lifelong journey of self discovery and self acceptance.

My next blog will be: Holding back

William Defoe

Yesterday I attended Mass at a local Catholic Church that I have not visited before.

As I sat in the pew with my wife, waiting for Mass to start I was very moved when a man in his mid-forties came and sat two benches in front of me and kissed his father on the cheek and then his mother as he sat down between them.

As he kissed his father he caught my eye and I smiled but inwardly I was deeply moved because I have never seen a man kiss a father or a brother or a son for that matter above say the age of twelve years old in the UK.

I tried to remember when my father had kissed me for the last time, or for that matter, the last time I had kissed him – I certainly was a child – he used to wipe his mouth first with the back of his hand and then after kissing me he would rub his stubbly face against my small face to make me laugh.

I have also followed the cultural conditioning of the UK culture to withdraw showing affection to my nephews for example with a kiss at about the age of twelve.

It all begins to feel a bit awkward and I think that the uncertainty and confusion rests first with the adult who tentatively puts out a hand to the upturned face and says something like ” you’re a young man now, lad – let’s shake hands”

I know that I have missed terribly the physical and emotional contact that I needed over the years with my father and brothers and uncles as I struggled to cope with my sexual identity.

To witness that man kiss his father so lovingly, unleashed within me a feeling of how I think it should be for all of us, because kissing a male relative has got absolutely nothing to do with being gay and yet our culture seems to infer that it does.

My next blog will be : Preparing for being coached

William Defoe

Sometimes I notice a thought or feeling shows up strongly in my consciousness.

I was walking from my living room to the kitchen when I had a thought that shook me intensely – here it is:

“It’s not your faith that you fear losing, it’s your community that you fear losing”

I’ll say it again:-

“It’s not your faith that you fear losing, it’s your community that you fear losing”

I have struggled to accommodate my Catholic faith with my suppressed gay sexuality for over twenty years but I have realised in recent years that to end my feelings of isolation, fear and anger I must find within myself the capacity to reconcile these two aspects of my identity.

My latest thoughts revealed to me that it is not my faith that I have feared losing, it is the sense of church that comes from belonging to a community that I have been scared of losing, but as acceptance of self has matured, I increasingly get the feeling that I would be more likely to be loved rather than judged by most of them.

My next blog will be: “A beautiful kiss”

William Defoe