I often justify taking any firm steps to change my life on the pretext of waiting for some distant future event that I somehow need to have passed through.
These events range from the completion of a pre-booked holiday, the end of Christmas, the better weather, a family event , and I have come to an understanding that each are in fact a false gateway.
Each event is supplanted by another, a pre-booked holiday is replaced by the booking of another one, pushing down the path constantly my intention to embace myself in the full.
I have come to recognise that embracing my fullness does not have to mean necessarily a change in lifestyle. If my acceptance of my sexuality can be somehow allowed to flourish in my consciousness without being accompanied by constant fear and pain.
I have always sought and wished for my sexuality to be socialised , that is openly discussed, not behind my back in a whisper, or in a pointed finger of unkindness, but as a welcome friend, acknowleged, respected, valued for the huge contribution in makes to my inherent goodness and kindness which makes me the human being that I am.
Those lack of opportunities to socialise and vocalise and visualise my sexuality, and opportunities to call openly upon this important aspect and dimension of what motivates me in the world, is I think, the source of pain and suffering which is a constant companion of my waking life.
I have to somehow, find ways to be courageous, so that the pain of suppression is not because I am unprepared to be open about who I am, but to be be prepared to share more fully who I am, to be prepared to be as compassionate to myself , as I am to others, which is enabled I am sure because I am gay.