My children enjoyed watching and reading the animated series of Spot the Dog by Eric Hill.

I have retained for some reason within my memory a line of dialogue which Spot mutters aloud following receipt of two unwelcome pieces of information from his mum, Sally:-

“Can’t camp out: salad for tea”   (implied by Spot as a double-negative)

The line amused me and I have repeated it over the years, particularly when my children as they were growing up, complained to me or their mother about some aspect of our perceived restrictions on their immediate happiness.

On my current journey of self discovery and self acceptance the sentence speaks to my inner voice of two important aspects of the depth of my internal struggle:

1/ The influence of others i.e. external forces on my ability to be in control of my well-being; 

2/ The sense that my problems are multiple and that to overcome them can feel overwhelming at times.

I have been engaged for nearly three years. after many years of darkness, isolation and fear, of confronting directly attempts to contain or restrict my sense of self from external forces.

I have arrived at a place, which I work hard to maintain, through periods of reflection and calm to assert my sense of self, both to myself, and to others and to avoid all temptations to conform to another’s view or expectation of what I should be.

In dealing with a sense of multiple problems to overcome, I have widened my perspective on life to make my problems have a context of being small in the canvas of all my life and of all life and that problems don’t necessarily have to be overcome/solved, but rather nurtured and re-visited over time so that new perspectives on their impact on me, and on those close to me, begin to show themselves.

My next blog will be: Faith – v – Community

William Defoe

I am steadily preparing for a visit to see my coach next week.

I am in a process of continual dialogue with my inner self which has slowly evolved within me as I have  come to know and love myself after years of anguish caused by denial of my truth about my sexuality and my inability to overcome the conflict of my same sex attraction with my desire to remain married to my lovely wife and remain faithful to my Catholic faith.

I have been re-reading a book, kindly provided to me by my coach,  called “A Hidden Wholeness” by a wonderful author Parker. J Palmer which I have referred to previously, in one of my earlier posts called “Circle of Trust”

I have been studying again his teaching on facilitating dialogue in circles of trust by what he refers to as  “third things”

A “third thing” is a device by which a topic is explored metaphorically via a poem, a story, a piece of music, or a work of art which facilitates participants in a “circle of trust” to access their own inner truths through interpretation, without the need to be openly explicit unless they choose to be so.

His example of a “third thing” is a poem called “The Woodcarver”-  a Taorist Tale  from the teachings of Chuang Tzu and this wonderful poem which I recommend to you and Parker. J Palmer’s explanation of it, have deepened again my capacity to explore and illuminate the deep crevices of my inner struggle.

I have learned for myself from this “third thing” that in order for me to deal with my perceptions of external constraints (which have loomed large in my life, particularly so in recent weeks), I must not compromise my inner freedom which is a crucial element of my journey of self-acceptance.

In other words, I think I am saying that I can’t be happy in my marriage or in my faith if I have not first accommodated within me, my sense of self and the absolute truth of my same sex feelings.

My next blog will be:   “Can’t camp out; salad for tea”

William Defoe

Last week I was a few minutes early arriving for a meeting and on the spur of the moment I walked into an office, now empty, which I used to work in with eighteen other people.

In a re-organisation a few years ago, our team were scattered into many different organisations during a period of great uncertainty for all of us.

As I stood in that vacated empty space, I became aware of echoes from the past. I could hear the voices of all my colleagues as I remembered them by dwelling momentarily at their old space within the office.

The noise of laughter and chatter and of my colleagues shouting over the desks for information and updates but also the fun times and the gossip all came flooding back.

I then became aware, quite suddenly, of all my old insecurities, which are old in the sense that they were of that time, and I was able in a very unique way to see how many of my fears at that time had been based on futile expressions of my lack of confidence, fear of failing, fear of being ridiculed, fear of losing my job.

I felt, in the echoes of that vacated space, of how secure I had felt in that team, despite my fears and I was able to reflect on how I have had in the past a great propensity to fear the future for so many years of my life.

The nostalgia I felt in that vacated space moved me, but at the same time helped me to realise that a morbid focus on the “what if’s” of tomorrow has caused me real harm in the present as I have journeyed through.

My current journey of self-discovery and self acceptance has enabled me to acknowledge the future but to live in the now. 

My next blog will be:  Desert Island Discs

William Defoe

A few weeks ago, whilst I was waiting to collect a SatNav that I had ordered from Argos, a glitch in their system caused heavy delays in getting products to waiting customers at dispatch.

The man who was handling the growing problem was suddenly unable to cope with the multitude of people waiting as the orders on the system continued to mount up.

Initially, I was quite calm, but I suddenly realised that the system failure and the growing feeling of agitation and vocal complaints from some caused me to feel momentarily incredibly anxious.

I was concerned for the poor sales assistant who could not establish a methodical process for coping by thinking “one item – one customer at a time”, but was rather like a headless chicken wandering up and down totally ineffectually.

I called my wife and said to her that I could see myself standing here for an hour, but after ending the call, I again became momentarily concerned for my safety as the level of agitation and frustration began to rise in some of those around me and then there was the sheer volume of people.

In that moment, I connected to my inner voice which asked me to be calm and I walked to the back of the store near the exit and I was calm, accepting that I would wait patiently for my number to be called and I felt utterly relaxed and unphased in the chaos.

Eventually general calm was restored by a couple of competent staff who demonstrated their calmness and effectiveness in processing the ordered goods to customers.

I was served quite quickly and I was soon on my way and I reflected on my ability to feel calm along with many others at the inconvenience, when some people in the same situation could not.

This indicated to me a deepening capacity to not only cope with failures of systems, but also to cope with my perceived failures as a man, a husband and a father which previously had incapacitated me like the poor sales assistant who had struggled to cope.

Overcoming judgement of ourselves and accepting the past but not being defined by it has been my goal, and standing patiently in the queue whilst chaos ensued all around helped me to realise just how far I have come.

My next blog will be:       Echoes from a Vacated Space

William Defoe

In recent years I have paid attention to various aspects of my humanity as I seek calm within my turbulent emotional life.

I have discovered, through being still for periods of time each day, that I am more than an emotional responsive being.

I am most human when I am in touch with my physical life, my spiritual life , my emotional life and my intellectual life and that somehow, I find the space to acknowledge these, as I reflect on my life experiences.

Last weekend, I was entertaining a visiting friend and we had climbed a local peak which has a rocky summit.

The view of the landscape from this place is truly wonderful and my friend, who had not visited before was as impressed as me at the beauty of the landscape.

As we stood admiring the view a pair of peregrine falcons, nesting on the cliffs below where we stood, rose up and were eye height to us on the rocky peak.

A man, further along from us shouted out in absolute ecstasy “Oh my God, hastag (#) best day ever .com”

I laughed to myself at his enthusiasm, but as I walked away, I was left with a sense of how the natural world can inspire within us a very deep connection to what it means to be human.

The man who expressed his joy so vocally was reflecting back to me the joy I felt inside at the very same moment as him and I felt physically alive in my body which had carried me up to this glorious place.

My next blog will be:    System Failure

William Defoe

Hi there – I’m back!

I have returned from a weeks rest in sunny Spain and I feel refreshed and energised by the break.

There is something strange which I have noticed particularly about my attitude to the idea of rest and of rest itself and that is that my ability to rest takes a great deal of effort.

I arrived on holiday feeling very tired, in need of space and rest and a little apprehensive that in my exhaustive state I would not be able to attain that sense of peace which I so much craved in the last few weeks as the holiday time drew nearer.

I knew that I would have to “work” at rest” and here is how I went about achieving my goal:-

1/ I turned to my wife and said to her – “I love you” and I intend us to have a nice break together

2/ I allowed myself to be quite lazy during the warm sunny days

3/ I tried not to feel guilty for not reading the book I had taken along with me in the first couple of days – I realised that I was not in a mood to read it at this time!

4/ I went into the sea very frequently and I allowed my body to be buffeted by the waves – I felt revitalised and “James Bond” like as I emerged onto the beach – its amazing what my imagination is capable of when I’m chilled and stirred!

5/ I read my book – at last!

6/ I painted a few watercolours of the coast and sea and beaches and allowed myself to dispel inner judgement about their quality – its in painting that I lose myself, that is the payback, not the painting itself which for me is a happy memento of my trip

7/ I went to bed reasonably early

8/ I was moderate with alcohol intake and actually with my food intake too!

9/ I ran along the sea-front for thirty minutes in the heat on a few occasions and loved the feeling of being alive and physically engaged in the beautiful vista of the sea-front!

10/ I connected with the assault on my senses of the many different languages which were spoken from locals and other European holidaymakers and I allowed myself to be at present in my thoughts which in years gone by have unsettled my sense of peace and calm.

Viva Espana!

My next blog will be: “# best day ever . com”

William Defoe