Crushed

The new BBC 2 “Victoria Derbyshire Show” deals with some gritty social issues.

Last month one of the shows dealt with the devastating impact on the non-gay partner when a husband or wife comes out as gay after years of marriage.

The full article link is here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33382824

One of the contributors, Emma describes how she felt crushed when her husband of 20 years announced he was gay and eventually left her.

She explained how he has moved on in his life and how he is acknowledged for his bravery in “coming out” but the impact on her as being numbing and difficult to move on.

Her view from bitter experience is that there is nothing brave about suppressing the truth about your own sexuality and entering into a marriage which is based on a lie.

I agree with her and yet I find myself in the situation of being married and gay.

In my case. I lacked emotional maturity at the time of my marriage to recognise that my feelings were in fact homosexual.

It was only after six or seven years of marriage that I began to sense a real confusion and I decided to honour my vows to my wife, whom I love deeply and manage my feelings as best as I could.

Three years ago, after twenty five years of marriage, my inner turmoil and anxiety around my sexuality was so great that I did in fact tell my wife about my sexuality. (see earlier posts)

In my case, there had been no infidelity, and my wife was sympathetic to my situation and we both expressed a desire to work things out.

I embarked on an inner journey of self acceptance [Integral Coaching] and my aim was to accept my sexuality which I had previously rejected as incompatible with my faith and marriage, and at the same time try to work to accommodate my feelings, which could on longer be ignored or suppressed, into my marriage.

It has been a tough journey, but I have been surprised by my capacity to hold within me the complex strands of my sexuality, my Catholic faith, my deep love for my wife and children has enabled me to move forward within my marriage.

I wanted to say in this post, that I have done everything I can to protect my wife from the experience that Emma has endured but I could not have succeeded thus far without my deepening knowledge and acceptance of self and my wife’s growing capacity to accept and acknowledge my truth.

My next blog will be : Living in a Bubble (which will not be posted until August 4th – Au revoir!)

William Defoe

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