During the Christmas holiday, I watched the film adaptation of Willy Russell’s play “Shirley Valentine” which includes the very moving performance by Pauline Collins.

It is my favourite film of all time – how can that be? Why?

The words touch me very deeply and the pathos “Hello Wall” is intermingled most perfectly with the humour “Yes I’ll be having sex for breakfast, sex for lunch, sex for dinner and sex for supper – have you never heard of it – it’s called the “F” Plan”

Shirley Valentine has been lost in her role as wife, mother and housekeeper and she is so lonely and isolated that she talks to the wall. Her family are grown and her husband no longer notices her. There are flashbacks in the film to happier times.

I crumble at the part of the film where she is sat alone drinking wine at the sea edge on her holiday alone in Greece – for her a moment she has dreamed of for weeks – and yet the dream in that moment is not delivered – she says to herself (and to us):-

“I have lived such a little life and soon even that will be over” 

“Why do we get all of this life and dreams and feelings if most of it goes unused?”

“I have allowed myself to be lost in my role as wife, mother and housekeeper – what has happened to the girl who was Shirley Valentine?”

I crumble again uncontrollably at the end of the film where her husband, having come to Greece to claim her back, walks past her at the sea edge – she calls to him – and he looks back and says “Shirley, I didn’t recognise you”

She says “I was the wife, the mother, the housekeeper – now I am Shirley Valentine again – would you like to join me for a drink?

And so – what is my blog today trying to say?:-

For me, (who experiences deep unhappiness and emotional upheaval in my life, perhaps like you), it says two things:-

1/ If you are lost in what defines your life to others – make every effort to find your soul – I do this by sitting in silence, listening to my soul, reading, blogging, painting and walking.

2/ Look afresh at your partner (especially, if like me, you have been together for many years and are pummeled by life’s ups and downs) and love them!.

Help them to maintain their own souls by recognising their needs as well as those of your own.

My next blog will be: Epiphany

William Defoe

I have the luxury of a 45 minute drive home from work everyday.

I did not always see this time as a luxury, in fact there was a time when it felt like a waste of time and the traffic could be so frustrating as I felt pressure to reach home.

During my journey of self acceptance I have come to realise that this time alone is precious. A great array of activity comes into my mind which calls for my attention.

Sometimes I laugh at the replay of an event that happened today or at some memory that wants to be aired in my consciousness.

Often I cry – perhaps shed a tear is a better explanation of this experience – because some happy or sad thought has commandeered the space in the silence that I have provided for it.

So, Driving Home, I put behind me the pressures of today, and I plan a little for tomorrow so that when my car arrives at my home, I can enter that safe space, calmer, and more able to listen to the concerns of my family who have not had the advantage of my drive home!

My next blog will be: Shirley Valentine

William Defoe

I am beginning to emerge from a difficult period, which, on reflection, has lasted since the end of summer.

A deep routed vein in my troubled emotional life, is a feeling that I am not loved by those whom I believe ought to love me. 

I have observed recently, very clear evidence that in fact I am very much loved by my wife, my daughters, my ageing parents, my brothers and sisters, my close friends and even work colleagues through words I hear about their love and respect for me, the acts of kindness they direct towards me and the efforts they make, even when I make the going very difficult indeed.

So, I have observed that I am loved, but I still don’t feel it. 

I don’t feel it because of a barrier which I have constructed, during many years of experiencing pain, fear and isolation and if I want to feel the love that I have observed, I need to start the work of deconstruction!

The way I think I can start this work is to live in the present (not the difficult past!) and be calm and giving of my truth – I encourage you to do the same if you, like me,  want to feel the love!

My next blog will be: Driving Home

William Defoe

On my journey of self acceptance I have been encouraged to find a place of calm in a life that has often been punctuated by periods of stress, anxiety, feeling unhappy and anger.

I referred in an earlier blog to my practice of “sitting” which involves sitting still for  a few minutes and listening to the rhythm of my breathing whilst at the same time being in touch with my physical reality – my body – and that I am not just a thinking emotional head but a human body with a rightful claim to be in the world around me.

I experienced,whilst I knelt down at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve,a further dimension to my being which was a very deep spiritual aspect of my life which was thrilling and calming which has lasted through the whole of Christmas.

I am not just a head of feelings and emotions – you, like me are a physical being and a spiritual being – I intend to keep these dimensions of my life in the present during my life – and can you do the same?

My next blog will be : Feeling Loved

William Defoe

I have been observing lately about the difficulty that “Choice” in our lives can bring.

As children many of our choices are made for us and then as we grow and mature the choices that we make have a profound influence on how we make progress or cope with setbacks throughout our lives

I think that now, in middle age, it would be nice to live a life with settle choices – most people will have made career choices and relationship choices and made the odd change here and there along the way.

Why is it then that the availability of choice in my life is causing me pain and anxiety at this time of my life – is it explained by a mid-life crisis – well I’ve had one of those before, so why now?

It is the choice of staying true to my values and  looking forward to new relationships with established family and ,who knows, future grandchildren and the alternative choice which is to succumb to my sexuality and reach out for an alternative way of living.

Maybe there is no choice at all – maybe live can be all encompassing!

My next blog will be: Midnight Mass

William Defoe

Earlier this week I read a very poignant article on the BBC website about how difficult is is for some of us to enjoy the Christmas and New Year festivities and how one woman –  a mother – had to fake her enjoyment for the sake of her children!

The article resonated with me very deeply because the feelings of hurt and disappointment and fear cannot be somehow put into a box until January 2nd, and yet despite all that, many of us do try to fake it for the sake of others often at great personal cost.

Also last week, I regrettably let the full force of my anger and despair be directed to my brother who after many weeks actually noticed my pain and offered to help – too late and I let go a torrent of anger at him – better I think to have faked it!

My next blog will be: Choice

William Defoe

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of visiting a German Market which has been created for the Christmas season in one of our big UK cities.

My wife and I queued in the rain to gain access to the beer tent where on gaining access we were greeted by the most raucous joyous atmosphere that I can remember being a part of for a very long time.

We stood to the side of the long tables with our steins of beer packed with revelers of all ages who were drinking and singing and swaying and laughing and having enormous fun. I felt overwhelmed by the spectacle in front of me but quite separate from it. I could have joined in but I wanted to be a spectator of this scene.

I felt in that moment very aware of the pain  and anguish that I have carried in my life but its presence in my thoughts at that happy time were a feeling of pain that although passed has left a deep scar which demands to be acknowledged.

I acknowledge and honour the pains and sadness of my life but in that German Market I united with the revelers in being present to the joy of being a part of something bigger than us all and I sang my heart out with the rest of them after refilling our steins!

Happy Christmas! – God Bless the people of the UK and of Germany too!

My next blog will be: Faking It!

William Defoe

I was recently walking alone along a busy road in one of our big cities when I heard a young woman say to her friend as I passed “He looks Gay!”

I could not be certain that the comments were in reference to me, but I was wearing a rather trendy jacket with the collar up across my face with a bit of scarf showing through and a gorgeous pair of woolly gloves so I decided I’d take the comments as my own! 

What struck me about the comments were that they were absolutely true and yet I walk in this world most of the time hiding my truth. I feel invisible even to my family and friends but not to my wife because she knows my truth.

There was a time when I would have been absolutely crushed that messages about me that I wanted to suppress were somehow being picked up.

On this occasion I wanted to shout out – “yes I am Gay and thanks for noticing” – “thanks a lot love for noticing my truth!”

My next blog will be: German Market

William Defoe

Recently as I waved my wife off on a trip to London with her friend, for a birthday treat which I had provided for her, I experienced a very sudden rush of tears as the train left the station and disappeared from my sight.

I was struck by the suddenness of the emotion and perhaps, like me, you carry a secret anguish that means that tears are never far away – suppressed even, but on this occasion the tears were not from that place so why did I cry?

I forced myself to think about why I had cried. She was only going for the day and I wasn’t concerned about her safety etc –  I realised that the tears sprang from my witnessing her happiness as she waved goodbye.

Her gratitude and her love in that brief moment as I waved goodbye to her, told me that one of the ways that I can experience happiness is to treat her well, as she deserves, and spend the day looking forward to her embrace on her return.

I dried my eyes – “have a good day my love” – I’ll be stood on the platform tonight to welcome you home.

My next blog will be – He looks Gay!

William Defoe

Earlier this year at the end of May, I visited Westward Ho with my wife and daughter for a few days.

Westward Ho is situated in North Devon facing westwards to the Atlantic Ocean and I was surprised to learn that the town is named after the title of a very famous novel of the same name by Charles Kingsley rather, than as I had thought, the town name being an inspiration for the author.

This blog is about how during my visit I experienced a very deep calm by “painting” with pencils.

On arriving on holiday I realised that I had forgotten my watercolours which was a shame because I had hoped to find a little spot on which to paint the magnificent sea and vast expanse of sand which I recall having seen on a previous day long visit to Westward Ho a few years ago.

After a few days of dodging the showers and visiting other local beauty spots at ilfracombe; Woolacombe; Bude and Clovelly and the funicular at  Lynton and Lynmouth with my daughter who then left us after a long weekend with us, I felt a bit at a loose end and my wife suggested that I buy some paper and colouring pencils.

My wife has recognised that when I am employed in painting a watercolour she senses that I experience a calm that she is acutely aware of. I was not sure that substituting paints for pencils would have the same effect but I became engrossed in the beautiful scene.

It is a feeling of losing oneself in the midst of an activity which is on the one hand occupying the mind in translating what I see on the page but at the same time experiencing an enriching assault on all the senses of sight, sound, touch and smell.

My wife says that when I read, I don’t concentrate for long, but when I paint my breathing is calmer, the continuing inward struggle of my life is calmed and she loves the effect that the experience has on me.

As I emerge from my occupation, I sense that she is watching me so I hold out my pencil as if I am engaged in some marvelously technical aspect to do with perspective and light and shade – I laugh and she laughs too realising that I am back with her having been lost to art.

I must also say that I experience a pride in my drawings / paintings not because they are particularly good, rather perhaps that in their imperfections there is a reflection of my truth because the work is of me and it is an honest interpretation of what I have experienced in that calming hour and a momento for me of my short stay in Westward Ho!

If like me you struggle to find peace of mind, ask Father Christmas for some paper; paints and brushes and a set of pencils too – just in case!!

My next blog will be:   Why did I cry as I waved goodbye?

William Defoe