Over the years when I was struggling in isolation and fear to accept the reality of my gay sexuality, I was often at the centre of arguments and controlling behaviour with my close family which came and went with regular frequency.

Two years ago when I sought help after confiding the truth about my sexuality to my wife and experiencing her great care of me, I needed time in the open to come to terms with the reality of our situation.

It was difficult to come to a place in the present where I was not haunted by the past, and to move on in my life without suffering from the burden of guilt which I felt over my past behaviour.

I was very moved recently when during a sermon, a priest explained that in this season of Lent, Catholics are encouraged to attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) and that so often, the same people come back time and time again and repeat the same issues (sins) that they have said on previous visits.

He made it clear that in confession, the priest absolves (forgives sins) in the name of Christ and that we should emerge from the confessional at peace, at rights with God and accept that we are forgiven – there is no need to refer to those sins again, they have past.

These words had a deep resonance with me, and even perhaps for you in either a religious or non-religious context, if we have acknowledged a wrong-doing to ourselves and we have  made attempts to reconcile ourselves to injured parties (I’m not talking about crimes here), then we should FORGIVE OURSELVES.

I have come to realise through Integral Coaching that in order to move forward and live in the present I must FORGIVE MYSELF.

Occasionally old thoughts and feelings flood into my mind, but I gently tell myself that these moments are gone and they are not a part of my current reality.

My wife sometimes refers to the past and I try to be patient in letting her express her feelings, before holding her and saying to her “but those days are in the past and we are now living in the present.- aren’t we!”

My next blog will be: Taking Stock

William Defoe

Last week as I drove to work I was very affected by the sight of a bird flying over the dual carriageway on which I was driving, carrying a fairly large twig in its beak.

I have not been able to get the image out of my mind, not only because it was such a beautiful image but also because of a host of information that act of nesting conveys in terms of the start of Spring, the busyness of the natural world in creating and bringing forth new life and how that plays out in my own life at a very deep level.

I observe that throughout my own life, I have striven to build a home – in my case handing money over to the bank each month to pay the mortgage, but also within the means that have been available to me, through the joint effort with my wife, and the generosity of others, I am surrounded by my own metaphorical nest of twigs.

But…… unlike that beautiful nesting bird which builds for a greater purpose for a short term but important purpose, I have found myself at times feeling overburdened by metaphorical twigs so that in fretting about the twigs, I have struggled to nurture the family within my nest even though I have given my all.

I fear that the last paragraph has echoes of a judgement on my ability to be the best husband, father and provider that I could be, however, I am so very conscious of judgments nowadays that if I make them, I call them observations of the past that are helpful in informing me of the past in this present moment.

So…. I admire the bird for its resilience and determination in the face of adversity and risk in carrying that big twig across the dual carriageway to its nest.

And……in applauding that fantastic feat of nature, I reflect on my own heroic feat in carrying my own heavy load in the face of adversity and at impossible odds, coming through to this present moment to a place of ever growing self acceptance of as I am, here and now.

It would be nice to think that you could do the same.

My next blog will be: Forgiving Myself

William Defoe

Recently I was persuaded by my hairdresser to change my hairstyle.

I normally have my hair short with it brushed back with my fingers and gelled slightly for hold.

My hair had grown somewhat and he suggested that I comb it over to the right and gel in place  so it looked tuft-up at the front.

I said to him but I think it will make me look gay and he said that it is how he has his and he is not gay.

So I agreed to it and “out” I came into the daylight!

The first thing my wife said when I got home was “what have you done to your hair? – it looks gay!”

I said “well if the cap fits – wear it!”  – totally at ease which is the real point of this post – I did not care a jot – I felt happy to express myself and keep the world guessing.

This is a huge leap in my capacity to be comfortable in my own skin because in the past I would have avoided any deliberate act that drew attention to my truth in that way.

Last week, it was time for my haircut once again and off it all came to a short trim from back to sides and top – but I did this because firstly, I did not like my hair being long and combed, and secondly because I can have my hair as I please.

My decision had nothing whatsoever to do with what other people thought of it!

I called in to see my mother “Oh William, your hair looks short and you used to have such lovely blond curls”

My response “Yes mother, that was when I was seven!”

My next blog will be: Nesting

William Defoe

Recently after over two years of trying to come to terms with all aspects of self, I am beginning to sense a real emergence of a change in the way I think and process the world around me.

I am noticing that I am able to appreciate the beauty in nature, music, friendships, family, love without having a shadow hanging over me which has previously blighted the moments of potential joy with an anxiety about my emotional pain, isolation and fear.

This liberation was made clear to me as listened to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa sing “The Heart is Slow to Learn” (see below) which I can only describe as a performance of absolute perfection.

Dame Kiri’s voice is exquisite because of her phenomenal range and control and I can recall watching her sing the song at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 50th Birthday celebration a few years ago when I was fascinated by how she hid the massive effort it must have taken her to hit the very high notes in the song.

So, the change in me by living in the present moment and having come to a place of self acceptance has liberated me to feel and appreciate the joyous world around me and I encourage you to try to so the same.

My next blog will be: Haircut

William Defoe

Note “The Heart is Slow to Learn”, music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, lyrics by Glenn Slater

As I was clearing out my attic earlier this week and making some very decisive decisions to throw out vast amounts of items that I had felt certain had a future when I first put them up there, I came across a small box of “treasures” that belonged to me.

In this box there was an assorted collection of badges, special coins on the occasion of Pope John Paul II visit to Britain in 1982, and of the Queen Mothers 80th Birthday, a compass that I was awarded for being best patrol leader in scouts, a hovercraft I had made of Lego as a boy on about 10 years and a pen given to me by my brother on the occasion of his graduation in 1983 to name but a few.

In and amongst all this was a handwritten “gong” with the words “1995 Bore of the Year” attached to a red piece of woolen thread with a piece of sellotape which my wife had presented me with 20 years ago.

I put it around my neck and went downstairs to see what reaction my wife might have. Of course, she laughed, but on reflection neither of us could think of why she had given me the accolade all those years ago.

I think I had a tendency to repeat myself over and over again about issues that at any one time have caused me to be concerned or anxious.

I have reflected on the times during my life, when I struggled to cope with everyday concerns about being able to provide financially, emotionally, materially and spiritually for my family, through my work whilst at that time becoming increasingly aware of the dilemma I faced over my sexuality and my marriage.

On my current journey to be more reflective and self aware and grounded in the present, I think that I am less likely to be so intense, as I must have been at that time in my life, so I am not expecting any time soon to be awarded another “Bore of the Year Award”

My next blog will be: An Exquisite Voice

William Defoe

In basic biology, we are all taught about the human body and the skeletal framework and muscles supported by our brain and major organs supplied by a network of blood vessels transporting blood which has been oxygenated by every breath we take to keep us alive.

There is also the nervous system, and already my basic biology is being tested, and I’m not going to provide a lesson in this post except to say that within me “Emotions Run Deep”

Where is the emotional network in my body? – I don’t remember the biology, but I do know that in me it has its origins in the brain and runs riot across my chest around my heart, autobahns into my stomach and guts with reservoirs of salty water behind my eyes that flow frequently.

I am noticing that, whereas I have always been a very highly strung man, and my emotional management skills have been less controlled than I would have preferred, I am now benefiting from feeling that they are an essential part of what makes me the loving, caring, empathetic and faithful man that I am and I should not be frightened of acknowledging my emotional truth.

Yesterday, I was watching The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at the cinema, and towards the end of this amazing film, I noticed that as a result of the struggle of the guests to find meaning in the twilight of their lives, the music, the dancing, the humour, the confusion, the poetry, and above all the fear inside me that Maggie Smith was going to die alone,  I welled over into absolute floods of tears as the film ended……….

But ….. what I noticed (apart from my wife sniggering at the sight of me as the lights came up) was that the emotion that runs deep within me was in relation only to that joyous film, and it was not somehow transferred, as it used to be, to my private anguish, now calmed down.

In fact, the change in me made me feel quite emotional!…. and so happy!

My next blog will be: “1995 Bore of the Year”

William Defoe

In recent years I have abstained from consuming alcohol for the duration of Lent.

Lent is within the Christian Tradition the period of fasting, praying and alms-giving that starts on Ash Wednesday and ends on Easter Sunday when the church having honoured and revered the sufferings of Jesus Christ in His Crucifixion on Good Friday, celebrates His Resurrection.

I have done this “fast” for a number of years, which I must say bears only scant comparison in my case to the fast which Moslem friends of mine undertake in Ramadan, however, the inconvenience of it all is what I notice the most.

I am a creature of habit in so many ways, and so to go without, or divert a well held routine, does have an impact not only on me but on those around me.

I am available at all times to give lifts to my wife and children, the requirement for taxi’s decreases and my friends who are fascinated by the exercise and whilst respecting of it, would love me to be back to my normal self.

I think this diversion of habit in terms of the abstinence of food or drink or other comforts, can be applied more widely to our behaviors. We can transfer the learning of the benefits of abstinence and the breaking of our routine by becoming more spontaneous, kinder, more open and giving to our loved ones and perhaps breaking the destructive cycle of negativity that occurs within ourselves.

So, I’m alcohol free for a few more weeks, but the change within me needs to last in the present moment long after Easter has passed.

My next blog will be : Emotions Run Deep

William Defoe

BBC TV are currently running a short series “The Gift” in which people from many walks of life want to find an opportunity to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or “Thank you” to people whom they have been unable to contact.

I was deeply moved by the efforts of a  former school bully who, haunted by his past, hoped to finally apologise to his victim.

In the show, Matt Baker, the presenter, helped 51-year old Jon Howe in his quest to absolve himself of his nasty past, by tracking down his former victim Simon Pierce.

Simon Pierce had been traumatised by the eleven years that he had endured, up to the age of 16 years, being bullied on a daily basis by Jon Howe and his mates.

He told Matt Baker that the experience had affected his well being, but that he had moved on in his life, and that although he would agree to meet Jon Howe and hear his apology, he would not be able to forgive him.

Jon Howe, had suffered with the trauma of the bullying that he had inflicted on Simon Pierce for a similar number of years after becoming increasingly troubled by the events of his schooldays in his mid-thirties until the present time. His family described him as a lovely man who genuinely could not move on with his life without having an opportunity to apologise to Simon.

The meeting was arranged for the two to meet. It was obvious to Simon in his first moments of eye contact with Jon, how deep the pain ran within him and subsequently during their conversation Simon told Jon that having thought it would be impossible to forgive him, he was able to say “Yes, I do forgive you”

Both men emerging from those few words “Yes, I forgive you” liberated from the past.

I wanted to comment on this reconciliation because I also experienced a certain level of bullying from a young age. I was hit everyday for a few years by an older boy from another school who passed me on the street with a thump without saying a word.

It severely dented my confidence and I think contributed to a lot of the anger which subsequently emerged in my life in later years.

Most of us are not going to get a TV apology, but the idea of liberating ourselves from the past by saying “I do forgive you” might be worth a shot!

My next blog will be : Alcohol Free

William Defoe

In the recent BBC TV Series “Winterwatch” the Mountain Hare was featured as an animal which has evolved to evade predators by changing its colour from dappled brown to granite white during the snowy season in Scotland.

It struck me that similarly, many of us adapt our truth to avoid the predators of life, so we conform, in my case, lacking the maturity to understand my sexuality and then suppressing the truth, because I was fearful of being ridiculed, rejected or separated from my wife and children.

The Mountain Hare adapts its fur to the seasons, whereas those of us who suppress our truth continue to wear the granite white of our reality long after the snow has gone.

It has been liberating for me to be able to wear my coat of truth in every season so that I no longer conform in many areas of my life to what I think is expected of me by others and I can be myself.

This freedom comes with risks as I have discovered. My dappled brown against the snow stands out and makes me and my family feel uncomfortable at times.

I have had to endure the occasional embarrassing remark or rebuke, but I realise that I am not a Mountain Hare trying to evade the talons of the Golden Eagle on a Scottish mountainside.

I am the mountain itself rising from the earth in all my glory – no matter what the weather or the season!

My next blog will be : “I do forgive you”

William Defoe

I sometimes think that people reading my posts will think that my journey is a straight one without any twists or turns or setbacks or doubts.

The truth of my journey is that the road is smoother but it has hidden blips and they still have great capacity to cause me, and occasionally those close to me, some pain.

Recently, I have experienced a feeling of “Flip-Flop” which at its heart is the struggle I am experiencing to reconcile within me, the hopes I have for my children as a loving father, and their own aspirations and dreams which are their own.

I celebrate my new found capacity to stay silent, when in the past I would have engaged myself fully in yet another destructive struggle, and yet my heart feels torn and interprets the flip side of new strength as a flop side of weakness..

I think deep down, I want them to love me and I want them to know that I love them and for that reason I will take the flip-flop experience that I occasionally endure as a sign that the changes I am making are for the long term.

My next blog will be: Mountain Hare

William Defoe