Last Sunday morning, as I reclined in bed, holding in both of my hands a big cup of tea, a question came into my head – shall I stay in bed?

This question really translated to – shall I skip Mass today?

I never miss going to Mass on the Sabbath day, so why should such a thought come into my head and have some semblance of attraction, if I was to answer in the affirmative – yes, I will stay in bed and in doing so, I shall skip going to Mass today.

The good part of the question, is that I am asking the question, and I can see that an element of my journey to live in the present is to be looser in the application of the choices I make in my life – to have a greater capacity to wonder at the possibilities of otherness in my life.

In answering the call from within to stay in bed, and stay away from Mass, I could most certainly have expressed this as a positive response of my growing capacity to be responsive in the moment (not reactive, but responsive) to the call of my soul.

I most likely will be a “cradle to grave” Catholic.

My belief in Jesus Christ is pretty much an integral part of my identity, as is my same sex attraction, and the love I have for my wife and children, no matter how hard I push against all of this at times.

I have expressed my faith in Christ through the practices and rituals of the Catholic Church all of my life and it is through the expression of the sacraments and the teachings of the Catholic Church,that I feel the fullness of that expression of my faith, despite the problems experienced by the human elements of the institution.

I recognise that in my search to express my truth, I do not have to choose between one element by subjugating another, I must try to be open to the fullness of my truth to feel fully alive and present in my heart.

I drink my tea, it has gone slightly cold, what with all my musing, I get out of bed, shower and get ready for Mass just like I do every week.

I am satisfied, that I have asked the question  – this came from within – I am satisfied that I answered the question – this came from within – I am living in the present!

Shall I stay in bed today?

Yes, I will for a little while, and then I will attend to the spiritual needs of my soul.

My next blog will be: Ballet Steps

William Defoe

One of the ways that I am working hard to resolve the conflicts within my family life has been by making connections.

After years of carrying the truth about my same sex attraction alone and in isolation, I recognised that during that very long period, I had effectively isolated myself from those whom, given the right circumstances, may have been able to help me.

As my acceptance of self has developed at an amazing pace, I sought to make connections among my siblings, whom I had held at arms length, for many years.

I had to break down those barriers, because I had erected them piece by piece, and ask them to meet with me over a coffee or a beer or for a walk etc.

I was grateful for the ease with which they readily agreed to help me, and initially I had quite regular meetings with my brothers and my sisters on a 1:1 basis.

In recent months the frequency of our meetings has dropped of in some cases, and I went through a period of feeling resentful, but I have moved on from that negative feeling.

I have come to terms with the fact that it is not all about me. The world of my siblings does not revolve around me, and if I need them, I need to say so and they will come, they will come running.

The connection is not lost, just because we don’t meet as often, but it would be sensible for me to keep the connection alive by way of phone calls and occasional contact.

In recent weeks, I have moved my focus to making connections with my adult children. The outward focus of my development in recent months has enlightened my understanding that I had in the past pushed them away too.

I was conscious that I had not transitioned myself well between the role of a father of adoring and adorable children, and my role as a father of adults with independent minds, hearts and spirits.

I have been meeting each of my adult children alone for coffees and beers and walks, and I have noticed that all my old fears that they had forgotten how to love me, was misguided and wrong.

I had failed to let them in to my life of suffering, I had failed to let them show me their compassion and love, and I had failed to show them, that my love was unconditional now and forever.

These new connections, particularly with one of my adult children, for whom I thought that our relationship was irreparably damaged goes from strength to strength.

By making connections, I have let the light into the dark spaces of the past and illuminated the happy memories which had been buried too, and opened up a joyous hope of a much happier existence in the present.

[For this, I thank my wonderful Integral Coaching coach, for it is with her help, that the capacity of my mind for expansive thought, has been opened and transformed]

My next blog will be: Shall I Stay In Bed?

William Defoe

I think I am similar to most people, who as part of their daily routine, look at themselves in the mirror to check their face and features before setting out to face the world.

Depending on my mood, I might venture to express an opinion of vanity on how fortunate the world is to have the opportunity to look at my visage.

I know that I often tell my wife how lucky she is to have me to behold, but I never quite get a sense that she feels as lucky as I think she should be!

I have spent a few years focusing on self. I have been trying to come to terms with aspects of my truth which I had rejected in the past.

This inward focus  – turning in on the mind and expanding its capacity to accept a much wider spectrum of being in the world has been important and rewarding work, because it has lead me to a calmer existence.

When I look into my own eyes, I feel strangely disconcerted.

It is a curious sensation to look into the apparatus which I use daily to observe the world.

First of all, my eyes are beautiful – look at your own – look into them and you will see that yours are too – it is not vanity that I speak – it is truth.

I have noticed that when I look into my eyes, I see first of all, the current emotion of my life reflected back at me – sad eyes perhaps, or happy eyes – but this is not the eyes communicating  – this is the work of the face pulling on the eye sockets to change their shape, or a tear duct revealing a fount of moisture.

If I remain focused on the eyes and see past the emotion of the moment, I come over quite funny – it feels a tad embarrassing -it reminds me of the feeling that you get when you lock eyes with another person across a room – there is a momentary connection which may lead to an exchange which results in something very intimate.

When I look into my eyes, I experience a very deep and intimate connection with self – I have nowhere to hide from who and what I am, and I look longingly in to them, so that the uncomfortable sensation is overcome by an intensity of love, an intensity of gratitude, an intensity of hopefulness, and an intensity of belief.

Thank you for my eyes Almighty God and Father, for they reveal the world to me, they reveal me to the world and they reveal you to me, the creator of all.

My next blog will be: Making Connections

William Defoe

I struggle to see what possible benefit there is from sneezing.

When I sneeze, I tend to experience a sudden explosion of uncontrollable, unstoppable, force which is accompanied by the most deafening noise.

And then there is the aftermath, the search for collateral damage on my face, clothes, lap, steering wheel – even my wife!

A grope for a tissue to compose myself, and clean myself down.

Then there are the words I say in expressing to myself or anyone prepared to listen that the sneeze was awful, it came from nowhere, I could not stop it.

What’s the point of a sneeze anyway?

The sound of laughter in the room from those who find the whole episode of a sneeze, so alarming and uncouth.

The sound of my wife saying, do you have to make that noise? would you make that sound if you were at work – my answer, yes I would as it is a bodily function outside of my control.

How similar my grotesque sneezes are to my outbursts, in the past, of uncontrollable anger.

The sudden explosion of uncontrollable, unstoppable, force which is accompanied by the most deafening noise because I was unable to control my immediate reaction to a situation  with which I could not cope.

And then there is the aftermath, the search for collateral damage on the faces of my family, and the emotional damage caused to them and self because I was unable to control my reaction to an opposing view in the moment.

A grope for a tissue to compose myself, and clean myself down and wipe away my tears of frustration and regret.

Then there is the awful silence in expressing to self that the anger was awful, it came from nowhere, I could not stop it.

The sound of tears in the room from those who find the whole episode of my anger, so alarming and uncouth.

The sound of my wife saying, do you have to make that noise? would you make that sound if you were at work – my answer, no I would not  because I know that I cannot react in that way at work.

So, my anger is different to a sneeze, because it is not a  bodily function outside of my control.

In my current life of living in the present, I do admit to experiencing and expressing anger at times, much less frequently, but it is managed so much differently from the past similarities with a violent sneeze.

When I feel anger rise within me , I have warning of it, I sense it coming, and even this may still not stop me expressing it, but I am on to it, it’s expression is controlled.

Whilst I am in it, I am conscious of having a choice to continue, or to continue less noisily, more conversationally, or to shut up all together.

Anger is no longer for me comparable to an uncontrollable sneeze, my search for truth and love of self has brought this aspect of outward expression of my pain under control, and for me and those whom I love, it has arrived not a minute too soon.

Achoo!    oh how disgusting, anyone got a tissue,  oh , and a mop please ?!

My next blog will be: When I Look Into My Eyes

William Defoe

I have noticed recently that I have a tendency to experience my anxieties, stresses and worries as a weight – a heaviness of the heart or the head, I’m not sure which!

At the current time, I have felt troubled by changes occurring in my place of work, with my fabulous boss leaving the organisation and a member of my team handing in his notice.

On the one hand, I have known the boss was going to go for quite a few weeks, but the loss of a team member came as quite a surprise.

I have been asking myself how I come to terms with these shifts which are beyond my control.

First I tell myself, they a are not my losses!

These are valid choices, by the individuals concerned, which are totally understandable and within their interests in terms of their own career progression.

Second I ask myself, why am I burdened by it?, what is this nagging fear that this weight of change has opened up within me?

It seems that inwardly I need to somehow experience the change, to feel it, to wonder how it affects me in my work role.

Will a change in leadership affect my own position?

Will the changes affect my own sense of safety?

Will the change open up opportunities for me which although I feel ready for, do I want them?

So the weight of change is an inner response to matters beyond my control and also to matters within my control.

So my burden has been halved already, just by thinking it through.

For the rest of it I will have to be patient for what enfolds in the future whilst I remember that I am not some helpless victim being tossed about at the mercy of those around me.

I am a highly intelligent and articulate man, capable of making choices of my own.

My next blog will be: Sneeze

William Defoe

In recent years it has been my intention to be present – to live my life in  the present.

This intent calls to me for a discipline from within, a continual inner dialogue to navigate my emotional life through a turbulent and vibrant world.

In the way I lived my life before I adopted my intent to live in the present, I was vulnerable to holding on to aspects of the world which had at their core a narrow spectrum of understanding, a life of re-living the hurts of the past, and repeating them because my life narrative was stuck.

My life in the present, calls me from within to listen to my inner voice, my teacher and guide and to navigate the world less reactively, more measured, so although  I still get tossed about by the sea, I don’t necessarily always get wet.

I have had to learn to let go.

I’ve had to let go of an old narrative of failure by confronting it, acknowledging it, accepting it’s truth, but letting it go.

Letting it go, does not mean forgotten, I’m not a floppy disc to be wiped clean, I’m a hard drive with a long memory, but also lots of blank capacity still left which is space for me to store each day of my life in the present.

I have been thinking recently about this blog, and how through writing a post regularly, I allow my inner self to speak out, to explain my truth, so that I am able to move on.

What I am saying is that for me, every post of this blog is keeping me present, keeping me grounded because each post is, for me, an act of letting go!

My next blog will be: The Weight of Change

William Defoe

The lyrics of Bette Midler’s version of the song “I think it’s gonna rain today” from the wonderful 1988 film “Beaches” seemed to capture my mood this week.

I was struck as I listened to the lyrics, by the anticipation of the rain, as if somehow we can find ourselves on the precipice of a fall, or a darkness,  which has not yet taken hold.

I have  been feeling hurt and unable to shake off a mood of despondency, but I have not been into  darkness – I know what darkness is, but I have not gone to that place as yet.

I have heard and said some harsh words and I have felt helpless in the face of other unrelated matters too – a toxic mix of unresolved life, needing my compassion.

I sensed in the moment that I was anxious, which on the one hand feels intolerable, but on the other, to feel into what might come, before it actually happens is remarkable.

To have some perspective on where I might be, whether I like it or not in just a few short hours is a true gift of being present with soul.

It means that I am on to it and perhaps I can resolve the issues to stop the mood darkening further.

In truth, I didn’t want to – I kinda felt like I needed a bit of time in the dark, but I didn’t get there, not yet.

The words in this song are preceded by  “Human kindness is overflowing and I think its gonna rain today”                  

I have come to realise and value the dark times of my soul – awful as it is to be in it, because it hurts like hell, but it is quite indulgent too, in that despite the world and all its kindness, in these moments,  I needed self.

This week, I managed to stay in the world, and despite the melancholy anticipation of deep pain, I feel a bit robbed of the solitude which the darkness brings,  despite escaping the pain which accompanies it.

My next blog will be: An Act of Letting Go

William Defoe

Last week I attended a funeral of a man who had died in his mid-fifties, a friend connected to me through other friends of mine who were much closer to him than I was.

After the beautiful funeral service, I felt a huge swell of emotion arising within me, as his coffin was raised up and placed on the shoulders of six of his friends, one of whom was crying uncontrollably, to be carried from church.

As I filed out of the church, I noticed that there were many men who had tears in their eyes, overcome by the emotion of the occasion and having lost a friend too soon.

Over the years, I have cried, almost always privately, and arising from a sense of frustration in the anguish of my circumstances.

It is a long time since I experienced my tears as a weakness, I believe them to be a strength, because they are a response to the difficult work of being with self.

Tears are a reward for love, love of self, love of others, love for those we have lost, in life or in death.

When men cry, I feel vindicated, I feel empowered, I feel connected because my tears are not something to feel guilty about, they are a common emotion experienced by many of my own sex and now I have evidence to prove it.

My next blog will be: “I Think It Is Going To Rain Today”

William Defoe

I was reminded recently of how my past behaviour contributed to my own sense of isolation and fear.

In a film “The Best Years Of Our Lives” a soldier returns to his home after the war with hooks where his hands should be.

This soldier, although exceptionally brave in coping with the mechanical hooks, assumes that his sweetheart is better off without him.

In fact she loves him all the more, if he would allow her to.

He confides in an uncle that he hates being stared at, and he hates it when people pretend there is nothing wrong.

“In other words” says the uncle “Whatever They Do is Wrong”

This sentence resonated with me strongly.

When I first came to terms with the truth about my sexuality three years ago, after many years of anger, rejection of self and an heroic attempt to keep my truth hidden, I wanted to know who in my family knew about my truth, but had not confronted me with it.

I came to realise, through coaching and meditation, that I made any such disclosure absolutely impossible.

First – I would have denied it – no question, because I had not accepted its truth compassionately, I had understood it but rejected it, hoping it would go away – it didn’t and it won’t!

Second – I would have made them regret asking me such a question and hurt them hard with an emotional outburst and feigned denial.

Third – I had already built an impregnable barrier around me which made it impossible for anyone to dare confront me with it.

So, in not braving my wrath, and in staying silent, they had done me harm!

Whatever they did was wrong!

I have come to realise, that if I need a soul mate with a difficult aspect of self, I must first find compassion for self and courage to reach out to someone whom I can trust.

If I am going to convey a truth, then I must be prepared to accept that once spoken, it cannot be unsaid, if the response I get is not what I anticipated it would be.

This leads me to say, reader, that in conveying my truth, I must be open to the risk of losing someone if they reject my truth, however unlikely this maybe.

This stuff is difficult, but it is an essential part of being present, and that is why these decisions take time and should not be rushed because the longer I am able to accept my truth, the easier it is for me to accept and love still, those who cannot.

My next blog will be: When Men Cry

William Defoe

I have moved from a place of trying to control everything, in a world in which I myself was being thrown about in a sea of huge rolling waves over which I had no control.

In those days, it felt like the world was happening to me, and I in my weakness must do all I could to protect myself and those whom I love from it.

My attempts to protect were herculean, but they were damaging to my own well being and to the important relationships in my life, most particularly my adolescent children who needed to break free and did so causing me huge pain.

In my life of living in the present, I now exercise a sense of control in my interactions with self and with the world.

This is a constructive change, because this new control sense helps me to keep a perspective and balance in difficult situations which I encounter as I journey though my life.

This control sense prevents me from reacting to emotions which I am feeling in the moment, or to events and people with whom I interact, particularly my family, so that I take my time and I am more reflective and precise when giving my response or choosing not to give a response as the case may be.

I have learned to live with the discomfort, to notice it, but be passive in the moment.

I no longer give an opinion on everything, in fact I will only do so after much reflection and soul-searching if I think my intervention will help in a given situation and even then, I have to allow for the fact that my opinion may not be accepted.

It almost sounds cold and calculated, but this new sense of control, enables me to journey through my life less reactively, less critically, less helplessly that was hitherto the case.

In my quiet moments, I can feel the control within me, it’s rhythm beats to the music of my heart, because it is balanced.

If I am agitated, I love being able to feel into the wonderful imbalance – I’m not scared by it, I’m thrilled to be on to it, because it has not announced itself in anger earlier in the day as it used to do in the past.

By listening to my inner voice, I can calm the uncertainty, by learning to accept it, to change it if that is a possibility, to take it forward with me courageously by acknowledging that this is how it is at this time.

My next blog will be “Whatever They Do Is Wrong”

William Defoe