Last Sunday morning, as I reclined in bed, holding in both of my hands a big cup of tea, a question came into my head – shall I stay in bed?
This question really translated to – shall I skip Mass today?
I never miss going to Mass on the Sabbath day, so why should such a thought come into my head and have some semblance of attraction, if I was to answer in the affirmative – yes, I will stay in bed and in doing so, I shall skip going to Mass today.
The good part of the question, is that I am asking the question, and I can see that an element of my journey to live in the present is to be looser in the application of the choices I make in my life – to have a greater capacity to wonder at the possibilities of otherness in my life.
In answering the call from within to stay in bed, and stay away from Mass, I could most certainly have expressed this as a positive response of my growing capacity to be responsive in the moment (not reactive, but responsive) to the call of my soul.
I most likely will be a “cradle to grave” Catholic.
My belief in Jesus Christ is pretty much an integral part of my identity, as is my same sex attraction, and the love I have for my wife and children, no matter how hard I push against all of this at times.
I have expressed my faith in Christ through the practices and rituals of the Catholic Church all of my life and it is through the expression of the sacraments and the teachings of the Catholic Church,that I feel the fullness of that expression of my faith, despite the problems experienced by the human elements of the institution.
I recognise that in my search to express my truth, I do not have to choose between one element by subjugating another, I must try to be open to the fullness of my truth to feel fully alive and present in my heart.
I drink my tea, it has gone slightly cold, what with all my musing, I get out of bed, shower and get ready for Mass just like I do every week.
I am satisfied, that I have asked the question – this came from within – I am satisfied that I answered the question – this came from within – I am living in the present!
Shall I stay in bed today?
Yes, I will for a little while, and then I will attend to the spiritual needs of my soul.
My next blog will be: Ballet Steps