I was reminded recently of how my past behaviour contributed to my own sense of isolation and fear.
In a film “The Best Years Of Our Lives” a soldier returns to his home after the war with hooks where his hands should be.
This soldier, although exceptionally brave in coping with the mechanical hooks, assumes that his sweetheart is better off without him.
In fact she loves him all the more, if he would allow her to.
He confides in an uncle that he hates being stared at, and he hates it when people pretend there is nothing wrong.
“In other words” says the uncle “Whatever They Do is Wrong”
This sentence resonated with me strongly.
When I first came to terms with the truth about my sexuality three years ago, after many years of anger, rejection of self and an heroic attempt to keep my truth hidden, I wanted to know who in my family knew about my truth, but had not confronted me with it.
I came to realise, through coaching and meditation, that I made any such disclosure absolutely impossible.
First – I would have denied it – no question, because I had not accepted its truth compassionately, I had understood it but rejected it, hoping it would go away – it didn’t and it won’t!
Second – I would have made them regret asking me such a question and hurt them hard with an emotional outburst and feigned denial.
Third – I had already built an impregnable barrier around me which made it impossible for anyone to dare confront me with it.
So, in not braving my wrath, and in staying silent, they had done me harm!
Whatever they did was wrong!
I have come to realise, that if I need a soul mate with a difficult aspect of self, I must first find compassion for self and courage to reach out to someone whom I can trust.
If I am going to convey a truth, then I must be prepared to accept that once spoken, it cannot be unsaid, if the response I get is not what I anticipated it would be.
This leads me to say, reader, that in conveying my truth, I must be open to the risk of losing someone if they reject my truth, however unlikely this maybe.
This stuff is difficult, but it is an essential part of being present, and that is why these decisions take time and should not be rushed because the longer I am able to accept my truth, the easier it is for me to accept and love still, those who cannot.
My next blog will be: When Men Cry