Sneeze

I struggle to see what possible benefit there is from sneezing.

When I sneeze, I tend to experience a sudden explosion of uncontrollable, unstoppable, force which is accompanied by the most deafening noise.

And then there is the aftermath, the search for collateral damage on my face, clothes, lap, steering wheel – even my wife!

A grope for a tissue to compose myself, and clean myself down.

Then there are the words I say in expressing to myself or anyone prepared to listen that the sneeze was awful, it came from nowhere, I could not stop it.

What’s the point of a sneeze anyway?

The sound of laughter in the room from those who find the whole episode of a sneeze, so alarming and uncouth.

The sound of my wife saying, do you have to make that noise? would you make that sound if you were at work – my answer, yes I would as it is a bodily function outside of my control.

How similar my grotesque sneezes are to my outbursts, in the past, of uncontrollable anger.

The sudden explosion of uncontrollable, unstoppable, force which is accompanied by the most deafening noise because I was unable to control my immediate reaction to a situation  with which I could not cope.

And then there is the aftermath, the search for collateral damage on the faces of my family, and the emotional damage caused to them and self because I was unable to control my reaction to an opposing view in the moment.

A grope for a tissue to compose myself, and clean myself down and wipe away my tears of frustration and regret.

Then there is the awful silence in expressing to self that the anger was awful, it came from nowhere, I could not stop it.

The sound of tears in the room from those who find the whole episode of my anger, so alarming and uncouth.

The sound of my wife saying, do you have to make that noise? would you make that sound if you were at work – my answer, no I would not  because I know that I cannot react in that way at work.

So, my anger is different to a sneeze, because it is not a  bodily function outside of my control.

In my current life of living in the present, I do admit to experiencing and expressing anger at times, much less frequently, but it is managed so much differently from the past similarities with a violent sneeze.

When I feel anger rise within me , I have warning of it, I sense it coming, and even this may still not stop me expressing it, but I am on to it, it’s expression is controlled.

Whilst I am in it, I am conscious of having a choice to continue, or to continue less noisily, more conversationally, or to shut up all together.

Anger is no longer for me comparable to an uncontrollable sneeze, my search for truth and love of self has brought this aspect of outward expression of my pain under control, and for me and those whom I love, it has arrived not a minute too soon.

Achoo!    oh how disgusting, anyone got a tissue,  oh , and a mop please ?!

My next blog will be: When I Look Into My Eyes

William Defoe

 

 

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