The lyrics of Bette Midler’s version of the song “I think it’s gonna rain today” from the wonderful 1988 film “Beaches” seemed to capture my mood this week.
I was struck as I listened to the lyrics, by the anticipation of the rain, as if somehow we can find ourselves on the precipice of a fall, or a darkness, which has not yet taken hold.
I have been feeling hurt and unable to shake off a mood of despondency, but I have not been into darkness – I know what darkness is, but I have not gone to that place as yet.
I have heard and said some harsh words and I have felt helpless in the face of other unrelated matters too – a toxic mix of unresolved life, needing my compassion.
I sensed in the moment that I was anxious, which on the one hand feels intolerable, but on the other, to feel into what might come, before it actually happens is remarkable.
To have some perspective on where I might be, whether I like it or not in just a few short hours is a true gift of being present with soul.
It means that I am on to it and perhaps I can resolve the issues to stop the mood darkening further.
In truth, I didn’t want to – I kinda felt like I needed a bit of time in the dark, but I didn’t get there, not yet.
The words in this song are preceded by “Human kindness is overflowing and I think its gonna rain today”
I have come to realise and value the dark times of my soul – awful as it is to be in it, because it hurts like hell, but it is quite indulgent too, in that despite the world and all its kindness, in these moments, I needed self.
This week, I managed to stay in the world, and despite the melancholy anticipation of deep pain, I feel a bit robbed of the solitude which the darkness brings, despite escaping the pain which accompanies it.
My next blog will be: An Act of Letting Go