For many years, and until very recently I would have said that the answer was “Yes, I am!”

I have been engaged in recent months in clarifying my thinking and recording my thoughts on this matter not only on paper but also in recognising a deep emotional shift.

So here are my thoughts:-

• I have been married to same woman for nearly 28 years
• I have been faithful in my marriage
• I love my wife and children
• I have invested a large part of my life to the development of my children
• I have worked for nearly 33 years and provided financial support to my family
• I love my own birth family very much
• i have a lovely home
• i have enjoyed the support of my parents and siblings
• I have some very close friends
• I have a very deep Catholic faith
• I have given my time and skills freely to the community
• I studied in my early 20’s and again in my mid 40’s
• I am a qualified accountant

But on the other hand:-

• I have suppressed my gay sexuality for many years within my marriage
• I have suffered terribly with anxiety, fear and pain of inner conflict
• I have managed to alienate my children by being far too controlling
• I have felt resentment towards my parents and siblings
• I have been quick to react with incredibly destructive anger when things have gone wrong
• I did not go to university and get a degree
• I have felt inferior professionaly
• I have always tended to spend more than I earn

So I have:-

• Confronted my pain and revealed my truth
• I have cultivated a place of calm and listened to my inner voice
• I have increased my capacity to accept the choices that my children have made
• I am calmer
• I have undertaken a course in Integral Coaching which is a lifelong never ending course of development
• I have shared my learning and development in this blog
• I have reconciled my faith concerns to my sexuality
• I continue to work to reconcile my sexuality to my marriage
• I have formed a supportive family network around me
• I have brought greater financial discipline into my life
• I have asked for medication to assist me with feelings of agitation and stress

So the question I have been asking myself is: Am I a FAILURE?

You already know the ANSWER!

My next blog will be: “You are not alone”

William Defoe

Of course the title of my blog today has echo’s of those amazing lyrics written by Paul Simon and performed by Simon and Garfunkel (1964) – “The Sound of Silence”

My blog cannot compete with such poetic brilliance, but the title does help me form the words that i want to say to you today.

“The Sound of Silence” is something within me that I am beginning to love and appreciate more and more and it is a phenomenon that increasingly I cannot live without.

Silence, stillness, quiet time, peace, comes when I sit in solitude so that as far is possible all external noise around me is expunged and my body is at rest and still.

In that space, my head is anything but silent.

“The Sound of Silence” is on occasions deafening, nagging, crowding in , infuriating, frustrating, nauseating until the messages begin to separate out and slowly make sense.

A knot is untangled, and messages from within are  understood more clearly a course of action resolved upon, a tear or two shed.

This, I now understand, is the true inner call of self, to emerge into my life from the din around me.

It speaks to me of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

It is both happy and sad.

It bears witness to my physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual truth and it is as euphoric as it is challenging, because after my time with self in “The Sound of Silence” a calm descends which unites external and internal self as one.

In the calm and peace I have been able to reconcile my identify to the life within me and around me and I encourage all of you who suffer any inner conflict to discover “The Sound of Silence”

My next blog will be “Answer: I most certainly am not!”

William Defoe

As I try to live in the present each day on my continuing journey of self acceptance and inner calm, I quite frequently look out for signs of improvement in the manner in which I deal with the challenges I am faced with each day.

I have noticed that I am calmer, I am less likely to react negatively on the spur of the moment to provocation, I am less angry and if anything a little more reserved and reflective.

I have noticed that I laugh more and the sensation seems to be more readily accessible and if something makes me laugh or if I make someone laugh I quite like to re-play in my mind the humour later in the day or in the car to lighten my mood or unwind from the days events.

When I first engaged through Integral Coaching with learning to love myself and accept my gay sexuality, one of the areas which caused me the greatest pain and anguish were when people would occasionally insinuate that I was gay – all done in a friendly way  – on the surfaced I laughed – inside I was crushed at that moment but also later the anguish and pain would haunt me for days.

Last week a young girl in the office was bantering with me about my female boss who is very beautiful and then without warning she said “but you would prefer Mark I bet” – general hilarity!

And the improvement?  ……   It’s huge!  ……..   “Water off a Duck’s Back!”

My next blog will be: The Sound of Silence

William Defoe

A few days ago I was driving home alone from work, when after having come to the end of my period of silence I reached out into my glove-box and pulled out a CD at random – A Genesis in Harmony – Church Organ Music played by Carlo Curley.

It is a CD which I purchased at am Organ Recital given by Carlo Curley at an English Cathedral a few years ago.

The track that I forwarded onto was “Prelude in Classic Style” by composer Gordon Young and within moments of the track starting I welled-up with emotion at its brilliance.

The tone is high pitched, the pace is fast and the music repetitive with occasional interludes of skipping beats which set my heart racing. The repeating notes moving up scale as if speaking and then downscale as if responding – absolutely marvelous with sporadic jingling sounds throughout.

As the piece comes to an end the noise from the quick notes gets louder and louder and more intense and then cascades down as if on a hillside punctuated by abrupt breaks in sound as the music moves into the grande finale still skipping along until a top note is reached and held for a few seconds until the great dying crescendo of slowed down notes brings the piece to its conclusion.

The music reminded me in a joyous way of my life, intense, emotional, stressed at times, conflicting inner messages getting lost in the chaos of life and missing the little moments of joy which certainly have occurred because of the repetitive background noise of anxiety and fear.

But as I listened to that joyous sound, I felt as if in this present moment I was a spectator to all that strife and that in some way it was playing back my past life from a place in the present of vibrant joy – and this is possible for me because I am learning how to be calm, even in the midst of chaos – can you try to be the same?!

My next blog will be: Water off a Duck’s Back

William Defoe

On 8th February 2015 on his way to say Mass at a church on the outskirts of Rome, Pope Francis made an unannounced stop at a shantytown which is home to 200 migrants, many of whom are from his South American homeland.

I saw a 1.53 minute video on YouTube by searching for “pope surprise visit” and I have looked at the footage several times because in it there is a woman who goes in that “edited” 113 seconds from excitement to something far deeper that I am struggling to find the words to explain – I am mesmerized by her.

The Pope stands at the entrance to the shantytown and there is great excitement as about 50 people run to him down a path and greet him and receive his blessing and take photographs of him.

He then calls them to prayer and In Spanish they recite The Lord’s Prayer and that is when I notice the woman’s mood change, she is affected deeply by the experience and I sense that something has changed in her life that is far more important than the souvenir photo that was taken with her on his left arm at the beginning.

This Pope is saying and doing some profound things which at their heart is a deep simplicity, personal humility and love for the poor.

We all carry in our own way the battle scars of life, rich and poor alike, and that short footage and the woman’s transition from excitement to healing (is that the word?) spoke deeply to me of how in reaching out to others, especially the lonely and dispossessed in our own neighbourhood, we too can be transformed.

My next blog will be : Prelude in Classic Style

William Defoe

The last thing I do each morning as I leave for work, is to go to find my wife in which ever room she is in and give her a goodbye kiss.

Over the years I have sadly and foolishly often used this as a “weapon” by leaving the house without this ritual kiss of love as a way of communicating with her that things are unsettled between us.

In very many recent months of my journey of truth and self acceptance, there has been no gap, no matter how provoked I have felt, I have sought her out from under the hairdryer or the blusher brush or towel, to plant my kiss and say “goodbye love, have a nice day”.

I enjoy ending the kiss with a a kiss on her nose or woodpecker kisses on her lips or lingering on the kiss just beyond what is “normal” until she is forced to laugh.

Better still are the funny comments that I might add, such as “not now love, there isn’t time for all that” to her quick retort, “it doesn’t take you that long – are you sure?”

Last Tuesday, I was leaving for work and my wife was sat opposite me in the kitchen so I did not have to go look for her. As I walked over to her, she lifted her head in anticipation of my kiss. I kissed her, said “goodbye love, have a nice day” and walked to the door.

I turned around and called to her “In future, don’t pucker up for a kiss – my kisses are a gift, not a right”     (smile!)

My next blog will be: Shantytown

William Defoe

Last Saturday afternoon, whilst feeling a little lethargic, I slumped in front of the TV and watched a 1958 Western called “Cowboy” with Glenn Ford and Jack Lemmon in lead roles.

I haven’t watched a western since I was a young boy of about ten, and as I watched the film I recalled my younger brother by two years coming down to watch a western wearing his cowboy outfit, with guns holstered and stetson atop his head asking our Dad as the film started, “Who are the goodies and who are the baddies Dad?!”

As I sat watching the film last Saturday I was struck by the economic purpose of the cattle drive to Mexico and then back to Chicago and that the loss of beasts from the herd had a financial impact on those who had responsibility for it. I had thought it was all about cowboys (the goodies) shooting the Wild West Indians (the baddies).

This idea of seeing things afresh with clearer eyes speaks deeply to me of this current time in my life when as I confront my emotional difficulties, old understandings and rigid forms of interpretation of the world around me are constantly being challenged with a new openness and clarity which has at its source a deeper calm within me.   

So, I realise metaphorically that my old view of goodies and baddies is too simplistic and childlike and that on some level I have carried childlike rigid beliefs of right and wrong, good and bad and acceptable and not acceptable with me until now – my time of liberation and truth.

What will you watch to provoke within you, a response that will call on you to consider the world around you and the life within you with a new and liberating perspective!

My brother at 8 years old “Bang Bang – You’re Dead”

My response at 10 years old “No I’m not – you missed!”

My next blog will be “Goodbye Kiss”

William Defoe

About twelve months ago, my young adult daughter communicated a message to a member of our extended family which has caused me severe embarrassment and pain. (the message was not about me)

Although the matter was dealt with and an apology was offered by her and accepted, I continued to feel very hurt by her actions, in part because she has not acknowledged to me or her mother the pain which she has caused us.

In the last few months, a previously close relationship with the relatives whom had been offended, seemed to cool noticeably, to the extent that each week when we met at a shared event we stopped speaking.

I have tried though my Integral Coaching to accept “Living with Discomfort”  but I realised that it was becoming a titanic struggle within me. The discomfort was on two levels, the first with my disappointment over the comments my daughter had made and secondly over the coolness in the presence of my relatives which had previously been so warm.

After many weeks of struggling, last week, I walked over and explained to my relatives how sad I was feeling about the situation, I repeated my sadness over what had happened and how I continued to suffer from its effects. I feared a backlash in the form of a rebuke, but I was hugged and kissed warmly.

I told them that I am having to live in discomfort over my daughters actions and that at some point in the future, I hope that I will get an opportunity to speak with her about the wider impact of her actions, but I explained that the time is not right just now and it may be years before it is!

So, I have broken a cycle of pain and I have given and experienced in return deep healing.

I will continue to live in the discomfort of my hurt feelings whilst I continue the gradual healing journey with my daughter through never failing to show her how much she is loved – everyday!

My next blog will be: “Cowboy”

William Defoe

One of my past difficulties has been around being able to articulate a request from my family and allowing space for that request to flourish into a response, before I fell into an all too familiar mode of making my request sound like a demand.

It is an old pattern, which I am all too aware of, as I begin to notice on my journey of self-discovery that it is a strategy which has actually failed spectacularly, because invariably, I had to re-wind, apologise and start the whole process of making the same request again from a place of humility.

Recently, when discussing holiday plans for the coming year, I suggested that instead of a two week break in summer, I would prefer to have two separate weeks off work. One week just after the schools break up and one week at the end of summer just before schools re-open.

For once, I let the idea circulate for quite a few weeks, touching on my reasons every now again and making the case for change, in an attitude of openness and willingness to compromise, in fact willing to leave things as they have been previously settled.

To my surprise, my wife came around to the idea and we sat together a couple of weeks ago making some new plans – something for us both to look forward to.

After having paid deposits for two locations my wife shouted down to me as she climbed the stairs to bed “Thanks for booking the holidays – it feels right”

I shouted back up “Thanks love for hearing my request”

My next blog will be: Living with Discomfort

William Defoe

I was sad to hear that the wonderful Greek singer Demis Roussos has died at the age of 68 years old.

I can’t claim to be a massive fan, but as I watched his performances on You Tube I was very moved and here is why:-

1. I had not seen him perform since I was a child of perhaps 10 years old. I was reminded of the times when my Saturday night relaxation was watching Saturday evening entertainment with the dual treats of a fizzy drink and a bag of sweets, A time in my life when the origins of my later unhappiness were already sown but had not become a destructive force within me.

2. The voice of Demis Roussos, its accented English and its most beautifully high pitch touched my core as I listened to him – particularly “Forever and ever” which was a wonderful surprise because it was unexpected.

3. The uniqueness of Demis Roussos in the way in which he expressed himself in his clothes, the amazing Kaftan’s and boots together with his big physical qualities. This spoke to me of the uniqueness of all of us which we can sometimes lose in our efforts to conform to a belief or a familial or friendship group ideal to which we do not necessarily fit.

Demis Roussos died on the day in which the Greek people expressed their democratic right for change. They lost a dear son. May he rest in peace. God Bless all the people of Greece.

My next blog will be: Thank you for hearing my request

William Defoe