Answer: “I most certainly am not!”

For many years, and until very recently I would have said that the answer was “Yes, I am!”

I have been engaged in recent months in clarifying my thinking and recording my thoughts on this matter not only on paper but also in recognising a deep emotional shift.

So here are my thoughts:-

  • I have been married to same woman for nearly 28 years
  • I have been faithful in my marriage
  • I love my wife and children
  • I have invested a large part of my life to the development of my children
  • I have worked for nearly 33 years and provided financial support to my family
  • I love my own birth family very much
  • i have a lovely home
  • i have enjoyed the support of my parents and siblings
  • I have some very close friends
  • I have a very deep Catholic faith
  • I have given my time and skills freely to the community
  • I studied in my early 20’s and again in my mid 40’s
  • I am a qualified accountant

But on the other hand:-

  • I have suppressed my gay sexuality for many years within my marriage
  • I have suffered terribly with anxiety, fear and pain of inner conflict
  • I have managed to alienate my children by being far too controlling
  • I have felt resentment towards my parents and siblings
  • I have been quick to react with incredibly destructive anger when things have gone wrong
  • I did not go to university and get a degree
  • I have felt inferior professionaly
  • I have always tended to spend more than I earn

So I have:-

  • Confronted my pain and revealed my truth
  • I have cultivated a place of calm and listened to my inner voice
  • I have increased my capacity to accept the choices that my children have made
  • I am calmer
  • I have undertaken a course in Integral Coaching which is a lifelong never ending course of development
  • I have shared my learning and development in this blog
  • I have reconciled my faith concerns to my sexuality
  • I continue to work to reconcile my sexuality to my marriage
  • I have formed a supportive family network around me
  • I have brought greater financial discipline into my life
  • I have asked for medication to assist me with feelings of agitation and stress

So the question I have been asking myself is: Am I a FAILURE?

You already know the ANSWER!

My next blog will be: “You are not alone”

William Defoe

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