I have struggled to overcome my feelings of isolation and although I have made heroic attempts to eradicate this feeling through reaching out to others for help, I continue to feel isolated.

I have spoken my truth about my gay sexuality to my wife and other family members and I have sought help through Integral Coaching for new ways of being in the world and also being in my own space through quiet reflection and calm which has lead to an increasing acceptance of my truth.

I have reached out to my family for them to create a network of support around me, and I do recognise that the isolation I imposed on myself, throughout many years of bitterness and anxiety, has improved dramatically.

I’m not lonely, I have a loving family and some great friends and I am well respected and socially sought after amongst my work colleagues for my cutting humour and sense of fun.

I am beginning to see that behind my feelings of isolation are difficult truths which I have not yet mastered.

I am not fully open to the world and I have not been able to relate my problems to a man who has had a life of similar experiences to me.

I have to a certain extent, imposed my isolation on myself and although I have made changes, I continue to impose that isolation on myself for reasons I am still trying to understand and make sense of.

So, I understand that my isolation is not being imposed on me by some external force, it is being experienced by me as a result of the choices I have made in the way I live my life and on the days it feels raw and too difficult to bear, I know that ultimately it is I who will eventually find the courage to change it or accept it.

My next blog will be:     Diary Clash

William Defoe

Honest! I was recently overwhelmed by the sight of a garden wind-chime blowing freely in a garden!

I have noticed that whenever I walk anywhere, particularly along roads that I am very familiar with in my local vicinity from the perspective of a car, I am always amazed at the bits of detail which I pick up when I am on foot.

Last Saturday night, I went to meet my brother on foot, at a local pub. It was a surprise call from him out of the blue which gave me little time to react except to accept his invitation and set off to meet him.

I was pleased that he had called me and that he was responding to my request for him to be part of my family network, yet underneath my pleasure at his contact was a certain level of apprehension because on previous meetings with him my mood has provoked bitterness between us – and here he is coming back for more! Bless Him!

On the walk down to the pub:-

I was moved by the sight of a young family and a father who prevented his little boy running into the road.

I saw domesticity through lit windows and open curtains as people drew around their hearths for the evening.

I was mesmerized by a host of daffodils on a grass verge blowing in the wind.

Has that house over their always had a bay window upstairs? – I’ve never noticed that before!

A voice says “Hi” – Oh “Hi” I say (surprised) – as I walk past a bloke walking in the other direction!

After a few pints, I walk home and although I have had a good night and my brother congratulates me on the improvement that he sees in me, I am suddenly overcome with emotion which is a response to his generosity in helping me in all my difficulties.

As I walk along, I keep noticing the unfamiliar in the familiar and I am astounded by it.

I look over a wall into a garden that I have never seen before and there at the side of a rockery, next to a neatly clipped lawn is a wind-chime, blowing and sparkling and tingling in the night air, lit by the moon above, and I am overwhelmed with emotion at its beauty. 

What I want to say is that not far from your front door, is a world which is waiting to be discovered, like that little wind-chime was waiting to be discovered by me.

Get out there, discover the unfamiliar in the familiar – but leave the car and go on foot!

My next blog will be:    Overcoming Isolation

William Defoe

Over the last two years I have been undergoing a radical change in the way I interact in the world and in order to do this I have cultivated within me a place of calm by creating space in my life for solitude and reflection and making myself more accessible to my loved ones.

I have sensed within me a great change but underneath this change, deep down, is a level of anxiety which was more visible for most of my life, but has not gone away and I don’t expect that it ever will.

I have had the help through my transition to living in the present of a wonderful coach who has opened up within me new possibilities of living in the present whilst acknowledging the past which at times was full of pain and fear.

I can now move forward into a more confident future which has the capacity to resolve my inner conflicts and face up to the truth of my gay feelings within my marriage and my Catholic faith.

A few weeks ago I was pre-occupied with thinking that I needed to self generate my own continuous development and begin to gradually loosen my reliance on the guidance which my coach brings to my life.

Having agreed a looser arrangement, I suddenly felt vulnerable and scared for no other reason than I have recognised within me that my self generating capacity, which is real, needs her continuous support because she is my mentor and my friend and I respect and value her too much to ever let go.

My next blog will be :    Overwhelmed by a Garden Wind-Chime

William Defoe

I’ve heard it said that if a person gives a healthy kidney to a person who has been waiting for a kidney transplant, it is the the healthy person who takes longer to recover than the person receiving the kidney who benefits quickly from this amazing gift.

This week, I thought about this reality, after my wife explained that she was not ready for me to return part of my life to the voluntary work that I did for many years until two years ago, when I gave it up to concentrate on my inner conflict, a strained marriage, and to focus on supporting my youngest adolescent child with her studies.

In the last two years, I have had the support of my wife and family and an excellent coach as I have come to terms with the apparent conflicts in my life which had caused me deep pain, fear and anxiety for many years.

I am feeling now that I am ready to re-connect with aspects of my life which I put on hold, whilst I faced up to these challenges.

I realise that I have been in receipt of the metaphorical kidney and I have bounced back in a gradual, managed kind of way, but my wife, who has metaphorically given her kidney needs some more time.

So, we have agreed to live in the question for the time being.

I have learned through my continuous development which will never end, that answers take time and in the spirit of my new found calm and acceptance of being in the moment, I am ready to wait as long as it takes for her wounds to heal too.

Thanks for the “kidney” my love, I’d like you to share with you, my heart!

My next blog will be:    Choosing Continuous Support

William Defoe

I am beginning to observe that the more I make space in my life for quietness, the more I notice the issues which I have been trying to block out by the background noise of my life.

It can be disconcerting at times, to feel that in the midst of a period that I have set aside for quiet reflection and calm and peace, I am in fact challenged by my inner voice which speaks to me of the chaos of my existence.

For example, I have noticed that if I have an extended weekend I feel far more anxious as I walk from the car to the building, a matter of  3 to 4 minutes in time, than I am if I have had off the customary two days.

In these few minutes on Tuesday morning after the Easter break these were the thoughts which crowded my mind:-

• I don’t think I can continue in my job until I retire in nine years time – can I just make it through five more?
• My car is getting old, can it last out for a couple of more years?
• What if I don’t manage to save enough money for the weddings I want to provide for?
• I really wish I could afford to have the kitchen refurbished now
• Oh I’ve made such a mess of being a parent and I so wanted to be loved by them
• And how much longer have my parents got to live – will I be able to cope when they are gone?
• How long have I got left?
• Should I have taken a chill pill this morning – this worry is making me anxious! (Honest to God!)
• Will my wife make an effort to be nice to these friends of mine that we are seeing on Friday?
• We’ve been invited to a party but it clashes with another commitment – will my friends mind if we arrive late?
• Do we need to be at home when the plumber comes to fit the bathroom or will it be okay for us to leave him to it and go away for a few days?
• I want to take up my voluntary work but I am afraid that my wife will be cross when I tell her.

I then get to my desk, deliver what is expected of me, I am humorous, motivating and supportive towards my team and all the other stuff that crowded my head has receded back until I can find a moment to allow them back in for the space they need.

I have noticed that letting in the chaos in my quiet time enables me to see the layers of anxiety for what they are  – they are future fears not present reality!

Most of that list above, is based on fears about the past that have no relevance in my present, or for that matter in my future, and a lot of the other stuff is really just about future planning and juggling of my life.

So. don’t be afraid of focusing on the chaos in your quiet time – notice it, write it down and live in the present free of those layers of anxiety!

My next blog will be:   Giving a Kidney

William Defoe

For as long as I can remember, certainly from my adolescence, I have suffered with severe bouts of anger, often repressed, but all too often expressed in a loss of control in shouting and rage.

I think that its origins are in the bullying I experienced at school, but also in my confusion about my sexuality, which I was unable to articulate even into a problem, until a few years after I was married with children.

It has been one of my goals through Integral Coaching to understand my anger whenever it occurs.

It is not my primary goal to eradicate anger, because it is an emotion that is trying to tell me something and it has been my intention to notice it, label it, understand it, confront it.

I have noticed that as I have come to terms with my truth, and taken steps to eradicate my isolation and fear over my sexuality, and to build up around me a network of support, that my anger bouts have reduced very significantly.

Last week I experienced a bout of anger. 

I noticed that while I was in it I had a choice to stop – but I could not. I needed to express my frustration into the world.

I noticed whilst I was in it that I felt right was on my side and that those who heard me agreed with me (except the protagonist).

I noticed while I was in it that I would regret afterwards the way that I was expressing my feelings at this moment.

After the anger had subsided, I noticed the following:-

• Physical and emotional exhaustion – a deep tiredness – perhaps like a child who has had a tantrum.
• I wanted to feel close and to be nurtured but I had driven that support away.
• I noticed that my anger was in response to accusations made about my intentions in a message that I had given, and that my intentions had been misunderstood and had been meant well.
• KEY OBSERVATION: I noticed that my anger was in response to an external stimulus and that it was not used as an excuse to express an internal frustration which has often been the feature of my bouts of anger.
• I suppose I just got cross, and when it was over, it was over
• I noticed that my wife did not pile on the grief after the event – she recognised the truth in my frustration, but I know that she did not approve of my way of expressing it.

So, it certainly is my intention to manage my feelings of anger.

This episode lasted minutes not days and in that their is progress. I have not held a grudge against my protagonist and we have moved on and been in each others company over Easter so the healing has begun.

My next blog will be:      Layers of Anxiety

William Defoe

For the last thirty years I have attended the annual Mass of Chrism at the Cathedral Church of my Diocese in one of the UK’s major cities.

A Diocese is the area of jurisdiction afforded to a Bishop and at the Mass of Chrism, which usually takes place on the Wednesday evening of Holy Week, the priests of the Diocese, along with faithful and religious gather for this special Mass.

I am always very moved by the procession of the priests into the cathedral, all of whom have been ordained or are deacons about to be ordained, followed by their Bishop, their spiritual pastor who is in communion through the Roman Catholic faith which they all profess, with the Pope.

At the Mass of Chrism the Holy Oil of Catechumens;  the Holy Oil of the Sick; and the Holy Oil of Chrism are presented to the bishop who blesses and prays over them and actually breathes into the vessel holding the Holy Oil of Chrism. these oils are then taken back in small vessels by the priests to their own parishes.

The Bishop addresses his priests and encourages them in their vocation and reminds them of the importance of placing their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ at the centre of their ministry.

Priests are not administrators or social workers, they are pastors at the heart of their spiritual communities on which they confer the sacraments using the Holy Oils distributed at the Mass of Chrism, and preside over the Mass for the faithful on a daily basis nourishing them with the Body and Blood of Christ.

I wanted to say in this blog, that although I recognise that the church has been badly damaged by scandals of abuse which I utterly condemn, the vast majority of priests deserve and have my deepest respect and love.

I am married and I have the love of my wife which holds us in a special bond of unity, and priests who currently are not married, are part of a much bigger network of fraternal love which I greatly admire and respect.

As I looked at the Bishop on Wednesday stood at his seat (cathedra), wearing his mitre and holding his crozier and surrounded to left and right by his diocesan priests I got a very strong sense of the Last Supper when Jesus Christ, presided over what for Catholics has become the first Mass, surrounded by his disciples.

The Mass of Chrism is a wonderful start for me to the annual Holy Week Services and I encourage all Catholics to make an attempt in future years to attend one of them.

My next blog will be:    Understanding my Anger

William Defoe

I laughed yesterday when my dad told me that he had said to my mother, as he took her breakfast, that HM Queen had abdicated in favour of Prince Charles.

My parents are both in their 80’s and my mother can’t really cope with sudden change of any sort and her reaction had me in hysterics when he told me that she cried:

“Oh no, why has she done that during the election – she must be poorly, what a shame”

followed by:

“Oh no, does that mean Camilla will be Queen and we’ve not even discussed it”

My dad then said quietly to her  “April Fool”

My mum who is listening to him relate this funny tale chips in to say:

“Oh, I could have swung for him, silly beggar”

The fact is that within our societies there are hopefully good constant persons who provide continuity and a framework to our lives through their office of state and to be fair the Queen fulfills this role perfectly for the UK and Commonwealth for which I am grateful.

There are those closer to us who also provide a constant and unlike the passing of a monarch “The King is Dead; Long Live the King” their loss to us either through a bereavement or relationship breakdown or feud / separation affects our well being and peace in the present moment.

So, we all at times fall for being an “April Fool,” but I have reflected that to push those closest to me away or refuse to let them experience their truth, in the context of their own lives, would make me a “Proper Fool.”

God Bless the Queen and long may she reign over us

My next blog will be:   Mass of Chrism

William Defoe

In recent months I have made a determined effort to reduce my “news” intake so that I free up time to think about my own life journey and how I make a meaningful attempt to live in the present.

When I heard about the fate of the 150 people killed on the “Germanwings” flight over the French Alps last week, I was drawn once again to filling my head with the news in the search for answers as to why such a terrible tragedy should have occurred.

I felt overwhelmed with sympathy, and even more so (if that were possible) when news gradually emerged that this crash was possibly as a result of deliberate action of the co-pilot.

This lead me to think about how our actions affect others all of the time and that the idea that a man suffering from depression could kill all his fellow travelers in the midst of his own anguish and issues is at the very limits of being able to understand such motivation.

What I can relate to is the concept of being in the midst of so much pain, anger, confusion, isolation that I hurt those close to me by my actions even though it is not my intention to do so.

I have sought in recent months, a place within my life, for quiet reflection and I have formed a network of support around me so that I am able to express my truth openly as far as I am able to, to avoid feeling isolated.

I feel so sorry for those passengers and I pray that they will rest in peace and that their families will be comforted.

In my own mark of respect, and in attempt to respond positively to this tragedy, I am determined to re-double my efforts to reflect and share with others my truth so that I never go back to that place of isolation and despair which happily for me is in the past.

God Bless the people of Germany and Spain at this sad time.

My next blog will be:     April Fool

William Defoe

In recent weeks a few of the household problems that we have seen forming on the horizon for some time have demanded our attention and financial redress.

A leak from our shower caused damage to our kitchen ceiling and believe it or not this has lead us to replacing all our windows and arranging for a complete new bathroom suite – the kitchen will have to wait!

We have prioritised other aspects of our lives in the past and delayed taking these necessary steps which have now occurred because what we had was functional and satisfactory.

As part of the bathroom re-fit we have had to order a skip to collect the rubbish and although its arrival is some weeks away, this has lead us to a frenzied rush to de-clutter. I’ve been sent on missions into the attic, the garage, the out house and the shed and been ruthless in saying “this stuff has got to go”

I have noticed that it is often a crisis in one area of our lives, that leads us to action in other seemingly unrelated areas, which demand our attention when we are least able to deal with it.

Two years ago, I suffered a crisis of identity, formed over many years, which surfaced in such destructive anger within me and towards those whom I love dearly, that metaphorically speaking, it was my “leaky ceiling moment” and I made a decision to de-clutter my life so that I could see my issues for what they were.

I gave up my voluntary work, focused on getting help for issues relating to the acceptance of my sexuality, I reached out to my family for support, I separated within my life work and home and I made small, but important adjustments, to make myself more available to my family, calmer, approachable and reflective.

For me, I know that it was the crisis that spurred me to action – if I could have anticipated it earlier I would have acted sooner – so if you are heading for a crisis, “De-Clutter” before the roof falls in!

My next blog will be:        Feeling Sympathy

William Defoe