For as long as I can remember, certainly from my adolescence, I have suffered with severe bouts of anger, often repressed, but all too often expressed in a loss of control in shouting and rage.
I think that its origins are in the bullying I experienced at school, but also in my confusion about my sexuality, which I was unable to articulate even into a problem, until a few years after I was married with children.
It has been one of my goals through Integral Coaching to understand my anger whenever it occurs.
It is not my primary goal to eradicate anger, because it is an emotion that is trying to tell me something and it has been my intention to notice it, label it, understand it, confront it.
I have noticed that as I have come to terms with my truth, and taken steps to eradicate my isolation and fear over my sexuality, and to build up around me a network of support, that my anger bouts have reduced very significantly.
Last week I experienced a bout of anger.
I noticed that while I was in it I had a choice to stop – but I could not. I needed to express my frustration into the world.
I noticed whilst I was in it that I felt right was on my side and that those who heard me agreed with me (except the protagonist).
I noticed while I was in it that I would regret afterwards the way that I was expressing my feelings at this moment.
After the anger had subsided, I noticed the following:-
- Physical and emotional exhaustion – a deep tiredness – perhaps like a child who has had a tantrum.
- I wanted to feel close and to be nurtured but I had driven that support away.
- I noticed that my anger was in response to accusations made about my intentions in a message that I had given, and that my intentions had been misunderstood and had been meant well.
- KEY OBSERVATION: I noticed that my anger was in response to an external stimulus and that it was not used as an excuse to express an internal frustration which has often been the feature of my bouts of anger.
- I suppose I just got cross, and when it was over, it was over
- I noticed that my wife did not pile on the grief after the event – she recognised the truth in my frustration, but I know that she did not approve of my way of expressing it.
So, it certainly is my intention to manage my feelings of anger.
This episode lasted minutes not days and in that their is progress. I have not held a grudge against my protagonist and we have moved on and been in each others company over Easter so the healing has begun.
My next blog will be: Layers of Anxiety