I have struggled to overcome my feelings of isolation and although I have made heroic attempts to eradicate this feeling through reaching out to others for help, I continue to feel isolated.

I have spoken my truth about my gay sexuality to my wife and other family members and I have sought help through Integral Coaching for new ways of being in the world and also being in my own space through quiet reflection and calm which has lead to an increasing acceptance of my truth.

I have reached out to my family for them to create a network of support around me, and I do recognise that the isolation I imposed on myself, throughout many years of bitterness and anxiety, has improved dramatically.

I’m not lonely, I have a loving family and some great friends and I am well respected and socially sought after amongst my work colleagues for my cutting humour and sense of fun.

I am beginning to see that behind my feelings of isolation are difficult truths which I have not yet mastered.

I am not fully open to the world and I have not been able to relate my problems to a man who has had a life of similar experiences to me.

I have to a certain extent, imposed my isolation on myself and although I have made changes, I continue to impose that isolation on myself for reasons I am still trying to understand and make sense of.

So, I understand that my isolation is not being imposed on me by some external force, it is being experienced by me as a result of the choices I have made in the way I live my life and on the days it feels raw and too difficult to bear, I know that ultimately it is I who will eventually find the courage to change it or accept it.

My next blog will be:     Diary Clash

William Defoe