In one of my recent reflections, in which I converse with my inner voice, something came up which I had not expected  – I recalled that I’ve started to stroke dogs!

So, whats new here?, I ask myself

Response, from somewhere quite deep – “well you don’t really like dogs, you’re afraid of them and what is more…..you never used to stroke dogs”

So, why am I stroking dogs?.

My mind takes me to a recent trip to the coast.

I am walking along the beautiful coastal footpath, with my wife, when below us an elderly lady with a dog is walking on an adjacent path that converges on ours just a bit further along.

We meet, as if it had been arranged at that converging spot, and the dog looks to me for a greeting – a black Labrador – nice dog and without hesitation I stroke it and say “you’re a beauty, yes you are!”

Oh, I’m also talking to them too!

You see, what I am noticing, on my journey of self acceptance, is that in finding love for myself after years of anguish, I have plenty of love to spare for others.

Dogs seem to me to be always prepared to give love, it is only right then that I should give some of my love back in return.

My wife says as we move forward, “I thought you didn’t like dogs”

I say, “so did I, but I do now!, I keep stroking them”

“Well we’re not getting one”, she says

Wuff!

My next blog will be: Perspective

William Defoe

In my moments with self, I quite enjoy looking up a variety of interests on YouTube, quite randomly.

Earlier this week, I came across a 1995 BBC TV Face to Face interview which Jeremy Isaacs hosted with Paul Eddington, a much respected British actor famed for appearances on stage and screen, most popularly in “The Good Life”; “Yes Minister” and “Yes Prime-Minister”

The film was shown on television on 30 October 1995 and Paul Eddington died on 4 November 1995.

I remembered seeing the programme for the first time in 1995 and I was deeply affected when I watched it, and again earlier this week, by the sight of Mr Eddington appearing in the interview clearly in the latter stages of skin cancer which was very clearly visible on his head,face and hands.

In the course of answering the many questions that Jeremy Isaacs put to him, Paul Eddington talks about having to “find the courage to appear as myself”

These words struck me because, in Mr Eddington’s case he was talking about having to work as an actor on stage without concealing his baldness and facial disfigurement caused by his tragic illness, in your case and mine we can emulate him by also “finding the courage to appear/to be ourselves”

It’s not easy, but our audience, whoever they may be, are usually kind as he discovered.

He also said in this remarkable interview, that he had rejected his Catholic upbringing for perfectly plausible reasons, to become a Quaker with whom he identified strongly in terms of their political and social teaching, in particular in relation to pacifism.

He said “finding the Quakers was like finding an oasis in a desert” 

“Silence”, he said, “is at the centre of Quaker worship and that an hours silence is most refreshing”

I have found on my journey of self discovery, that silence for extended periods of time is absolutely crucial to the business of finding love for self, and then for others too, which is revealed by listening to our inner voice.

This moving interview ended with Jeremy Isaacs asking  Paul Eddington how he would like to be remembered – he was days from death – he said “I would like to be remembered as one who did very little harm”

He said “it sounds quite soft, but to have achieved a life which has caused very little harm in a world where so many people do a great deal of harm is a worthy achievement”

My own life of fear, isolation and pain has caused harm both to myself and those close to me whom I love, but I feel so invigorated by the prospect of living in the present in a life that causes very little harm!

My next blog will be: I’ve started to Stroke Dogs

William Defoe

Following the recent sad death of Cilla Black, ITV repeated a biopic on her early career starring Sheridan Smith as Cilla.

The three part series deals with Cilla’s life in the clubs of Liverpool and her audition for Brian Epstein who launched her to stardom with other musical talent from Liverpool at that time   – the Beatles, Gerry and the Pacemakers etc.

I was struck by the story of her manager Bobby Willis who later became her devoted husband.

His story was interesting too and I was drawn to it particularly because in the film, his brother is ostracized for marrying a Catholic by their father and later when Bobby falls in love with Cilla Black, a Scottie Road Catholic, his father refuses to welcome her into his home and as a result his son moved out too.

This issue reminded me of comments that a parishioner said to my mother when I started going out with my new girlfriend (later my wife) – “you do know that she is not a Catholic”

My mother replied that she was aware of that fact but it was not of any concern to her (although in truth it was insofar as she hoped any children in a future marriage would be brought up as Catholics)

One of the hardest issues I have had to come to terms with has been the apparent rejection of the catholic faith of my adult children. I have felt deeply hurt and disappointed and for a while I was overwhelmed and crushed and I felt like I had failed.

In my search for self acceptance, I have developed a capacity to be present and that means that I have to embrace the here and now as it is, not how I would have liked it to be.

This new approach of accepting disappointment in the present has been a crucial step for me in my journey of truth.

It has helped me to connect strongly with the vitality, independence and truth of my children,s lives rather than run the risk of ostracizing myself from their love and all the joy they bring to me in the present and who knows what in the future!

May Cilla Black Rest in Peace with her beloved Bobby.

My next blog will be “Face to Face”

William Defoe

One of the very first exercises that I was encouraged to take up by my coach was to develop an awareness of my body, my physical being and in doing so to discover that I am a living animate being, not just an emotional entity.

Exercises that I have taken up since the start of my journey to acknowledge my truth have occupied my head space for a period of time with intensity and then they have fallen off into a pattern of just being present.

I am now very much aware of my body. I am conscious, for example when showering or dressing and undressing of its existence. I will look at my hands and my feet after running and at my tanned face in the mirror (always a pleasure, that particular moment!)

Last week, as I knelt down in church waiting for Mass to start, in the quietness I noticed that I had a “Racing Heart”

My initial response was one of fear and an association with past experience of feeling anxious.

I focused, in the silence for a few moments, on my “Racing Heart”, and I slowly detected a rhythm in my head and chest of the blood being pumped around my body.

My fear began to be replaced with a sense of awe and wonder and deep gratitude for my physical life which is the conduit for my spiritual, emotional, intellectual and intimate life that I experience every day.

I was taught as a child that each of us are created as unique individuals in the image and likeness of God.

Whether we believe in a deity or not, we can all marvel at the wonderful construct which is our body.

No matter what its shape or its size, it should not be a surprise for each of us to experience from time to time the wonderful sensation of a “Racing Heart”

My next blog will be: “You do know that she is not a Catholic”

William Defoe

My daughter joined me and my wife for a long weekend at the end of our recent holiday.

We all enjoyed each others company which, to be honest, is no mean feat.

I have had to learn, through my development of self, to drop the “redcoat narrative” of expecting everything to go exactly to plan and to feel utterly responsible for everything including, I might add, the weather!

On Sunday evening after a weekend which had passed off without incident (which is remarkable!), my daughter commented “You seem quieter, Dad” followed by “Is everything OK?”

I told her that I had been learning through my coaching (which she is aware of) to be in control of my previous need to react to everything.

So she said to me – “does that mean that there are things that you want to say that you are not saying?”

I said, “yes, to a certain extent it means that i have learned not to vocalize all my immediate response to what I see and hear, but I am not suppressing my need to communicate, rather I am taking my time to find the right place and the right time to speak after conversing with my inner voice of calm”.

I said, “I have had a lovely holiday and a lovely weekend in your company you have been a joy”

My next blog will be: Racing Heart

William Defoe

As I make progress on my journey of self love and self acceptance, I occasionally try to explain my feelings inwardly as a metaphor.

I have this feeling that I am living my life “in a bubble” and that for long periods of time the experience was suffocating within the confines of the space that the bubble provided for me to breathe.

In recent times, the space within the bubble within which I live has increased substantially, as I have undertaken a journey of self discovery to accept my truth and communicate with my inner voice so that my understanding and appreciation of my self has grown.

The bubble in which I live no longer feels so compressed by the outside forces of judgement (of others); fear and isolation but appears now to “float” within an environment of which I am an integral part.

So if, like me, you feel like you are living in a bubble, create space within it to breathe and be true to yourself and move in the world freely by living in the present.

My next blog will be: “You seem quieter, Dad”

William Defoe

The new BBC 2 “Victoria Derbyshire Show” deals with some gritty social issues.

Last month one of the shows dealt with the devastating impact on the non-gay partner when a husband or wife comes out as gay after years of marriage.

The full article link is here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33382824

One of the contributors, Emma describes how she felt crushed when her husband of 20 years announced he was gay and eventually left her.

She explained how he has moved on in his life and how he is acknowledged for his bravery in “coming out” but the impact on her as being numbing and difficult to move on.

Her view from bitter experience is that there is nothing brave about suppressing the truth about your own sexuality and entering into a marriage which is based on a lie.

I agree with her and yet I find myself in the situation of being married and gay.

In my case. I lacked emotional maturity at the time of my marriage to recognise that my feelings were in fact homosexual.

It was only after six or seven years of marriage that I began to sense a real confusion and I decided to honour my vows to my wife, whom I love deeply and manage my feelings as best as I could.

Three years ago, after twenty five years of marriage, my inner turmoil and anxiety around my sexuality was so great that I did in fact tell my wife about my sexuality. (see earlier posts)

In my case, there had been no infidelity, and my wife was sympathetic to my situation and we both expressed a desire to work things out.

I embarked on an inner journey of self acceptance [Integral Coaching] and my aim was to accept my sexuality which I had previously rejected as incompatible with my faith and marriage, and at the same time try to work to accommodate my feelings, which could on longer be ignored or suppressed, into my marriage.

It has been a tough journey, but I have been surprised by my capacity to hold within me the complex strands of my sexuality, my Catholic faith, my deep love for my wife and children has enabled me to move forward within my marriage.

I wanted to say in this post, that I have done everything I can to protect my wife from the experience that Emma has endured but I could not have succeeded thus far without my deepening knowledge and acceptance of self and my wife’s growing capacity to accept and acknowledge my truth.

My next blog will be : Living in a Bubble (which will not be posted until August 4th – Au revoir!)

William Defoe

My wife likes to watch the ITV show “Jeremy Kyle”

She tells me that witnessing the problems that others face in life helps her to get a perspective on our problems re my sexuality and our journey to accept this within our marriage. (said with a smile!)

Last week we were away for our Wedding Anniversary and as we got ready to leave the hotel we spent a very funny thirty minutes sat on the bottom of the bed watching “Jeremy Kyle” and his guests.

I have seen an episode before, and it seems to me that the formats are all the same.

The families torn apart by infidelity, suspected infidelity, interfering parents into the lives of their children and protective parents concerned for their children.

This week a woman, after having given birth to a son six days earlier, had come on the show to prove to her boyfriend that he was the father.

However, she had taken a lie detector test, and Jeremy Kyle announced to a shocked audience that the results were inconclusive – shock, horror!

He then appeals for calm, “no” he says, the result means nothing, it was the new mothers pain following the recent birth which had prevented a decisive verdict.

He asks the father-in-limbo “will you accept that she is telling the truth, that you are the father of this baby?”

Father-in-limbo says he is still not sure and cannot accept her word.

Jeremy Kyle then announces, that we are not to worry because a DNA test has been done and he is in fact the father of the baby beyond all doubt!  Hallelujah!

The implication is that now that this is cleared up, the couple can get on with their lives with love and trust – problem solved!

I laugh at its ridiculousness!

My wife says she is going to take me onto the show with our issues.

I ask her, “What will be the strap-line?”

She says “My husband refuses to accept that he is bi-sexual”

We laugh together and share a hug.

So, to my surprise, Jeremy Kyle has provoked an interaction between us which speaks to me of the journey which my wife still has to travel on her journey to accept my truth and it will be my role to support her every step of the way!

My next blog will be: Crushed

William Defoe

I recently acquired a Bette Midler CD for my birthday, and at the current time, I am fixated with her version of the song “From  a Distance” which I have played on repeat in my car for periods of time.

The song, which I love, has caused me a bit of a dilemma because I don’t actually think I understand the lyrics (see below for full lyrics of the song by Julie Gold).

The song seems to imply that from a distance all seems fine, but in reality real close up, we all know that this is not the case, for example, From a Distance:–

The world looks blue and green

There is harmony

We all have enough and no one is in need

And there are no guns, no bombs and no disease and no hungry mouths to feed

(So, I get that – are you with me so far?)

But then, here is the rub with me with this song:-

God is watching us, from a distance

Now this, to me, seems to imply that God sees the blue and the green and white mountains and the harmony and the absence of violence, famine and disease.

I prefer to think that God (who I do believe in, for the record) is up real close and lives within each one of us.

In that case, my logic is telling me (S)He experiences the world through us and in us and that (S)HE is aware of all our suffering, anguish and joy.

I am on a journey, to release my soul from it’s anguish, and although I am fairly reluctant to theologise that journey, I am prepared to acknowledge the element of the Divine; the element of the everlasting; the element of the deepest love; that is God within my soul.

That said, I love this song and Bette Midler is a legend so I will keep it on repeat for some time to come!

My next blog will be: Jeremy Kyle

William Defoe

Recently I attended an outdoor brass music festival with my wife and we took along some camping chairs and a picnic to enjoy whilst we listened to the wonderful music.

I had no sooner sat down when I became aware that a family group in front of me were a chair short for a young girl aged about twenty years old.

The girl was quite happily sat on the floor, but my reverie was interrupted by this nagging sensation that I had a spare chair in the boot of my car and that it was in my power/gift to solve the problem.

My inner voice speaks up – what problem? who’s problem? is it a problem for you to solve?

I decided to hold back….

Still the inner dilemma was interrupting my enjoyment of the music  – if I just went for the chair – all would be alright and I’d once again be lauded by all for my generosity and kindness.

I continued to hold back…..

My inner voice reminding me that there was not a problem and that nothing in the young girls demeanor or for that matter of her mother, sisters and aunt suggested that her situation on the floor was a concern.

I focused my thoughts on the wonderful array of bands and music and the warm sunshine and the sheer bliss of the annual event.

As I left the festival, I felt strangely strengthened by my ability to hold back and not to intervene to resolve a perceived problem that I had generated in my mind.

Yes, I felt strengthened, but resolved that if at any time I had been made aware that the young girl had wanted a chair, I would have offered to bring her one!!

My next blog will be:   “From a Distance”

William Defoe