I laughed yesterday when my dad told me that he had said to my mother, as he took her breakfast, that HM Queen had abdicated in favour of Prince Charles.

My parents are both in their 80’s and my mother can’t really cope with sudden change of any sort and her reaction had me in hysterics when he told me that she cried:

“Oh no, why has she done that during the election – she must be poorly, what a shame”

followed by:

“Oh no, does that mean Camilla will be Queen and we’ve not even discussed it”

My dad then said quietly to her  “April Fool”

My mum who is listening to him relate this funny tale chips in to say:

“Oh, I could have swung for him, silly beggar”

The fact is that within our societies there are hopefully good constant persons who provide continuity and a framework to our lives through their office of state and to be fair the Queen fulfills this role perfectly for the UK and Commonwealth for which I am grateful.

There are those closer to us who also provide a constant and unlike the passing of a monarch “The King is Dead; Long Live the King” their loss to us either through a bereavement or relationship breakdown or feud / separation affects our well being and peace in the present moment.

So, we all at times fall for being an “April Fool,” but I have reflected that to push those closest to me away or refuse to let them experience their truth, in the context of their own lives, would make me a “Proper Fool.”

God Bless the Queen and long may she reign over us

My next blog will be:   Mass of Chrism

William Defoe

In recent months I have made a determined effort to reduce my “news” intake so that I free up time to think about my own life journey and how I make a meaningful attempt to live in the present.

When I heard about the fate of the 150 people killed on the “Germanwings” flight over the French Alps last week, I was drawn once again to filling my head with the news in the search for answers as to why such a terrible tragedy should have occurred.

I felt overwhelmed with sympathy, and even more so (if that were possible) when news gradually emerged that this crash was possibly as a result of deliberate action of the co-pilot.

This lead me to think about how our actions affect others all of the time and that the idea that a man suffering from depression could kill all his fellow travelers in the midst of his own anguish and issues is at the very limits of being able to understand such motivation.

What I can relate to is the concept of being in the midst of so much pain, anger, confusion, isolation that I hurt those close to me by my actions even though it is not my intention to do so.

I have sought in recent months, a place within my life, for quiet reflection and I have formed a network of support around me so that I am able to express my truth openly as far as I am able to, to avoid feeling isolated.

I feel so sorry for those passengers and I pray that they will rest in peace and that their families will be comforted.

In my own mark of respect, and in attempt to respond positively to this tragedy, I am determined to re-double my efforts to reflect and share with others my truth so that I never go back to that place of isolation and despair which happily for me is in the past.

God Bless the people of Germany and Spain at this sad time.

My next blog will be:     April Fool

William Defoe

In recent weeks a few of the household problems that we have seen forming on the horizon for some time have demanded our attention and financial redress.

A leak from our shower caused damage to our kitchen ceiling and believe it or not this has lead us to replacing all our windows and arranging for a complete new bathroom suite – the kitchen will have to wait!

We have prioritised other aspects of our lives in the past and delayed taking these necessary steps which have now occurred because what we had was functional and satisfactory.

As part of the bathroom re-fit we have had to order a skip to collect the rubbish and although its arrival is some weeks away, this has lead us to a frenzied rush to de-clutter. I’ve been sent on missions into the attic, the garage, the out house and the shed and been ruthless in saying “this stuff has got to go”

I have noticed that it is often a crisis in one area of our lives, that leads us to action in other seemingly unrelated areas, which demand our attention when we are least able to deal with it.

Two years ago, I suffered a crisis of identity, formed over many years, which surfaced in such destructive anger within me and towards those whom I love dearly, that metaphorically speaking, it was my “leaky ceiling moment” and I made a decision to de-clutter my life so that I could see my issues for what they were.

I gave up my voluntary work, focused on getting help for issues relating to the acceptance of my sexuality, I reached out to my family for support, I separated within my life work and home and I made small, but important adjustments, to make myself more available to my family, calmer, approachable and reflective.

For me, I know that it was the crisis that spurred me to action – if I could have anticipated it earlier I would have acted sooner – so if you are heading for a crisis, “De-Clutter” before the roof falls in!

My next blog will be:        Feeling Sympathy

William Defoe

For the past few weeks, I have experienced a fairly strong good mood in the face of all kinds of work pressures, home pressures and I think that this is because I emerged after Christmas from a fairly sustained low period into a better place after confronting within me the issues which had brought me down.

On Sunday afternoon, I felt within me a Mood Swing, and rather than be a passive “victim” of the change, I was determined to notice its effects on me.

Physically, I felt tired, emotional, anxious and I withdrew into myself and was noticeably quieter in my dealings with others.

My wife noticed it and asked me what was the matter and although I had already worked out what had caused this sudden change of mood, I was not ready to explain it to her, so I thanked her for her concern and said I just felt a bit fed up.

As I honed into the declining mood, I reflected that:-

• I was actually tired,
• I am worried about some forthcoming issues at work,
• I can’t face working until I retire (an old favourite),
• my niece would not kiss me goodbye (she’s 5),
• I want some work doing the house which I can’t afford yet,
• my eldest adult child seems aloof,  and
• I was late back from a run and I was fearful of this causing an argument with my wife.

The following day, (yesterday), I noticed that the effect of the downward mood had taken hold and the reasons were not the issue – but at least I had caught on to what they were yesterday – a phase in the process that I have never really caught onto before – I decided to take some medication to ease the feeling of agitation.

I got through the day at work feeling a bit lack-lustre and when I got home I asked my wife to hold me close as I came in from work and after she asked me what was the matter, I said that I was scared and she held me close and told me not to be scared.

So, I understand that my mood can change but that it does not need to have huge consequence for others, I can self-manage with a little help to get me through it until I start to emerge from it until the next time.

My next blog will be:  De-cluttering

William Defoe

At the proclamation of the Holy Gospel (see below) during a Catholic Mass, the priest will incense the book from which the Gospel is being read, kiss the first word of the Gospel and proclaim aloud to the congregation after a great Alleluia chorus “A Reading from the Holy Gospel According to St. Matthew/Mark/Luke or John” to which the people respond “Glory to You, O Lord” (referring to Jesus Christ!)

When the people respond to the proclamation, with these words, many if not all, will cross themselves as they say the words with their right thumb on their forehead, lips and heart.

This act of reference imitates the words of the priest when he says as he prepares to read the Gospel “May the Lord, be in my mind, on my lips and in my heart”

I have been pondering over this act and what they symbolise to me as a man of faith and perhaps what relevance they might have to non-Christians and people of no faith.

For me, I think that the action signifies a willingness to think about my faith, reflect on the teachings of Christ and to pray and to try to ensure that what I actually say is not in conflict with the values that I believe in and in doing so to nurture my understanding in my heart.

This formula may lead me to be a man of peace, a man of prayer, a man of conscience who is prepared to reach out to those who are suffering around me by charitable deeds, or reaching out to those who are different to me or those who disagree with me or those who are in need of my protection/assistance/kindness/love/forgiveness.

So, I can couch all this stuff in a religious context, but as someone who has been actively trying to be less dogmatic in my faith and more open to being able to love myself and be compassionate to myself, I have tried to reconcile my faith to my sexuality and my marriage.

I have also reflected that I need to apply those virtues to myself first (not selfishly) if I am going to have a realistic chance of proclaiming my whole truth from my head, my lips and my heart.

My next blog will be:    Mood Swing

William Defoe

** The Gospel is a collection of the writings that are contained in The New Testament which refer to the Birth, Ministry, Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ written in four Gospels written by St Matthew, St. Mark, St Luke and St. John.

I would described myself as a fairly emotional type of man, highly strung at times, anxious, empathetic, and caring towards others.

I would have said that I am a man of the heart, rather than the head, but in recent weeks, I have sensed a shift within me from head to heart which has felt quite strange.

I have noticed in my periods of quiet reflection that I have often acted on matters concerning myself from the head but in matters concerning others I have acted from the heart.

I think, I am experiencing an increased awareness that I have at times, been kinder, more sympathetic and gentle to others that I have to myself.

I am increasingly becoming aware, through the discovery of my evolving and ever-changing truth, that I need to nurture my own life through my own heart once the understanding has been  disseminated in my head.

So, my head is taking the time it needs to discern my inner voice, and my heart, which has been slow to learn is now following along at its slower pace to hold within it a place of calm, gentleness and deep love for me.

My next blog will be:     The Crossing of My Forehead, Lips and Heart

William Defoe

Throughout my journey of self discovery and self acceptance, I have invested some time in reading books and articles and blogs which help me to understand more fully, from other peoples perspectives, the challenges I am facing.

Recently, I have been reading a book called “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer (Published by Jossey-Bass) which is provoking within me, a thrilling sense of clarity around affirming my approach to dealing with the problems I have carried throughout my adult life.

I wanted to talk in my post today about a concept which is featured called “A Circle of Trust” because the author here, is addressing a fundamental principle in reaching wholeness from within by engaging a community.

He says that first and foremost we should create a space within us to hear the inner teacher. My inner teacher told me that I must accept my gay sexuality even though it at first appeared to me to be in conflict with my catholic faith and my marriage. [It isn’t!]

Secondly, he says that we should invite other people into our journey who can help us to discern our inner teachers voice so that we are supported and strengthened when the search for wholeness gets tough.

This community of support, he calls a “Circle of Trust” and these people held within this community need to be people who are willing to abstain from giving advice and who help those of us seeking our hidden wholeness to distinguish between the inner voice of truth and the inner voice of fear.

I have been fortunate to have the support of a coach who I now recognise as being truly present in my journey of discovery and acceptance in exactly the role described by Parker J Palmer, and this for me has been an amazing, life-changing support which I thank God for everyday.

For a time, I felt frustrated that my wife and my brother could not support me in this unbiased way, but Parker J Palmer has helped me to understand that my expectations for a “Circle of Trust” in the way that he describes it, and the way that I need it, is unrealistic, because they are too close and affected by the choices I discern from my inner voice. They support me in a different way with their love.

So, my post today is saying two important things:-

1/ Create space in your life to be quiet to listen to your inner voice

2/ Read this fantastic book and reach out for objective support, as I have done, to support you in your own “Circle of Trust”

My next blog will be:    The Heart is Slow to Learn

William Defoe

If I was to point to the biggest change within me since I explained my truth to my family about my gay sexuality it would be the absence of fear in my life.

For many years every insinuation made to me on a frequent basis questioning my sexuality caused me indescribable pain and anxiety.

Then there was the fear of being outed or somehow caught out by a stray remark or inappropriate eye contact.

It has been over two years since I explained my truth to those that matter and are close to me, but it is only recently that I have noticed that the fear has gone.

I think that this is because it is hard to let go of rehearsed emotions to given events, but as I have learned to thrive on the comments which previously caused me pain and confusion, my life without fear is only emerging into my truth gradually.

When I first met my coach and we discussed my deep anxiety over my sexuality for the first time, I told her that I had prayed so hard for what I described as “my cross” to be lifted from me.

However, I was with her now to face my truth but what I had not fully appreciated was that in finding acceptance for my truth I was embracing “my life without fear”

Although, my wife does still scare me at times…….!

My next blog will be:     My Circle of Trust

William Defoe

I have struggled through most of my adult life to answer some of the questions in my life that were a contradiction within my life and in answering those questions, and being certain of an outcome, I have enclosed myself in a life of isolation, anger and fear.

One of the coping strategies which I am developing and evolving into through Integral Coaching is be content in “Living in the Questions”

Here is an example which I pick from a choice of many:-

Question: What will happen if I tell my wife that I have a same sex attraction (i.e that I am gay!) ?

Answer: (in my head) My wife will leave me, I will be forcefully outed, I will lose access to my children, I will have to move away, I will suffer deep shame and these feelings might go away on their own (honest – as if!) .

Result: I suppress my truth for twenty years in which time I get more and more anxious, controlling, angry, stressed, unhappy, isolated, scared, feelings of guilt, feelings of self loathing, feelings of suicide until the time came in November 2012, when my truth demanded to be heard.

I found it within me to tell my wife that I love her, I have been faithful to her, but I am gay and I cannot live in isolation a moment longer regardless of the consequences.

Result: Tears, hugs, re-assurance, declarations of love, she knew all along something was wrong, hopeful we can work through it together.

So, I lived in the wrong answer for twenty years, but I acknowledge that those fears may have come to pass, but now two years on from those events, I am still married and I am still gay.

It is a struggle at times to reconcile the two apparently conflicting pulls on my life.

I now live in the questions in respect of whether we will be strong enough to sustain our marriage in these circumstances. When things between us feel good, I tend to think we can, and when things feel strained, I tend to wonder if we can.

I try to avoid trying to predict an outcome in the future, what matters is having an ability to keep living in the question with my wife on this and other issues, and if today, in the present we are content to do that, then, that is all that matters.

My next blog will be :  My Life Without Fear

William Defoe

One of the simplest changes that I have made to my life has opened up new opportunities for me to interact with the world and those around me who share my physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual space.

I have noticed that by making sure I have chunks of quiet time – usually for me on the 45 minute drive to work and again on the drive home, I have created a clear separation between work and home so that as far as is possible the occasional pressures and strains of both are kept separate and distinct and allow me to get in touch with William – that’s me!

For many years I did not know who William was – I had a vague sense of who he used to be and was often terrified of what he might become, but recognising him in the present was lost in a maelstrom of pressure, anxiety, anger, controlling behaviours and deep pain.

In making myself available as I eat my evening meal, I have noticed that there are opportunities for my wife and adult children to open up to me. It is a thrilling sensation.

Last week my wife began to tell me about some concerns she has around the happiness of one of our children. I sat and listened. I was then told some history that I have not been made aware of. I sat and listened. 

As I listened, I felt a pang of guilt about the load my wife has previously had to bear, but I sat and listened – I didn’t apologise or explain myself, it wasn’t about me, I sat and listened. 

As I listened, I sensed that something should be done to assist my child, but this is the profound thing that I have noticed the most, I have taken in the message but I have not reacted to it or tried to resolve it.

The problem is not mine to solve but I know that I am in a far calmer place to listen should my child ever decide to raise their concerns with me, and there might be a time when having made myself accessible, I am able to gently introduce a topic.

So, William is no longer the reactive, controlling, angry man he once was.

William has created through his quiet time an accessible space in which his family can…. Open up to Me!

My next blog will be:     Living in the Questions

William Defoe