Last week I was a few minutes early arriving for a meeting and on the spur of the moment I walked into an office, now empty, which I used to work in with eighteen other people.

In a re-organisation a few years ago, our team were scattered into many different organisations during a period of great uncertainty for all of us.

As I stood in that vacated empty space, I became aware of echoes from the past. I could hear the voices of all my colleagues as I remembered them by dwelling momentarily at their old space within the office.

The noise of laughter and chatter and of my colleagues shouting over the desks for information and updates but also the fun times and the gossip all came flooding back.

I then became aware, quite suddenly, of all my old insecurities, which are old in the sense that they were of that time, and I was able in a very unique way to see how many of my fears at that time had been based on futile expressions of my lack of confidence, fear of failing, fear of being ridiculed, fear of losing my job.

I felt, in the echoes of that vacated space, of how secure I had felt in that team, despite my fears and I was able to reflect on how I have had in the past a great propensity to fear the future for so many years of my life.

The nostalgia I felt in that vacated space moved me, but at the same time helped me to realise that a morbid focus on the “what if’s” of tomorrow has caused me real harm in the present as I have journeyed through.

My current journey of self-discovery and self acceptance has enabled me to acknowledge the future but to live in the now. 

My next blog will be:  Desert Island Discs

William Defoe

A few weeks ago, whilst I was waiting to collect a SatNav that I had ordered from Argos, a glitch in their system caused heavy delays in getting products to waiting customers at dispatch.

The man who was handling the growing problem was suddenly unable to cope with the multitude of people waiting as the orders on the system continued to mount up.

Initially, I was quite calm, but I suddenly realised that the system failure and the growing feeling of agitation and vocal complaints from some caused me to feel momentarily incredibly anxious.

I was concerned for the poor sales assistant who could not establish a methodical process for coping by thinking “one item – one customer at a time”, but was rather like a headless chicken wandering up and down totally ineffectually.

I called my wife and said to her that I could see myself standing here for an hour, but after ending the call, I again became momentarily concerned for my safety as the level of agitation and frustration began to rise in some of those around me and then there was the sheer volume of people.

In that moment, I connected to my inner voice which asked me to be calm and I walked to the back of the store near the exit and I was calm, accepting that I would wait patiently for my number to be called and I felt utterly relaxed and unphased in the chaos.

Eventually general calm was restored by a couple of competent staff who demonstrated their calmness and effectiveness in processing the ordered goods to customers.

I was served quite quickly and I was soon on my way and I reflected on my ability to feel calm along with many others at the inconvenience, when some people in the same situation could not.

This indicated to me a deepening capacity to not only cope with failures of systems, but also to cope with my perceived failures as a man, a husband and a father which previously had incapacitated me like the poor sales assistant who had struggled to cope.

Overcoming judgement of ourselves and accepting the past but not being defined by it has been my goal, and standing patiently in the queue whilst chaos ensued all around helped me to realise just how far I have come.

My next blog will be:       Echoes from a Vacated Space

William Defoe

In recent years I have paid attention to various aspects of my humanity as I seek calm within my turbulent emotional life.

I have discovered, through being still for periods of time each day, that I am more than an emotional responsive being.

I am most human when I am in touch with my physical life, my spiritual life , my emotional life and my intellectual life and that somehow, I find the space to acknowledge these, as I reflect on my life experiences.

Last weekend, I was entertaining a visiting friend and we had climbed a local peak which has a rocky summit.

The view of the landscape from this place is truly wonderful and my friend, who had not visited before was as impressed as me at the beauty of the landscape.

As we stood admiring the view a pair of peregrine falcons, nesting on the cliffs below where we stood, rose up and were eye height to us on the rocky peak.

A man, further along from us shouted out in absolute ecstasy “Oh my God, hastag (#) best day ever .com”

I laughed to myself at his enthusiasm, but as I walked away, I was left with a sense of how the natural world can inspire within us a very deep connection to what it means to be human.

The man who expressed his joy so vocally was reflecting back to me the joy I felt inside at the very same moment as him and I felt physically alive in my body which had carried me up to this glorious place.

My next blog will be:    System Failure

William Defoe

Hi there – I’m back!

I have returned from a weeks rest in sunny Spain and I feel refreshed and energised by the break.

There is something strange which I have noticed particularly about my attitude to the idea of rest and of rest itself and that is that my ability to rest takes a great deal of effort.

I arrived on holiday feeling very tired, in need of space and rest and a little apprehensive that in my exhaustive state I would not be able to attain that sense of peace which I so much craved in the last few weeks as the holiday time drew nearer.

I knew that I would have to “work” at rest” and here is how I went about achieving my goal:-

1/ I turned to my wife and said to her – “I love you” and I intend us to have a nice break together

2/ I allowed myself to be quite lazy during the warm sunny days

3/ I tried not to feel guilty for not reading the book I had taken along with me in the first couple of days – I realised that I was not in a mood to read it at this time!

4/ I went into the sea very frequently and I allowed my body to be buffeted by the waves – I felt revitalised and “James Bond” like as I emerged onto the beach – its amazing what my imagination is capable of when I’m chilled and stirred!

5/ I read my book – at last!

6/ I painted a few watercolours of the coast and sea and beaches and allowed myself to dispel inner judgement about their quality – its in painting that I lose myself, that is the payback, not the painting itself which for me is a happy memento of my trip

7/ I went to bed reasonably early

8/ I was moderate with alcohol intake and actually with my food intake too!

9/ I ran along the sea-front for thirty minutes in the heat on a few occasions and loved the feeling of being alive and physically engaged in the beautiful vista of the sea-front!

10/ I connected with the assault on my senses of the many different languages which were spoken from locals and other European holidaymakers and I allowed myself to be at present in my thoughts which in years gone by have unsettled my sense of peace and calm.

Viva Espana!

My next blog will be: “# best day ever . com”

William Defoe

Our Chief Officer recently asked if we would be willing to undertake a Myers-Briggs Assessment in preparation for a team away day in late June.

As part of the preparation we were all offered an hour and thirty minutes 1:1 coaching to review our scores and discuss the results which were told would be confidential to us.

At my assessment interview last week I learned that the results of my assessment were as follows:

Extroversion [E] : Introversion [I]

Sensing [S] : Intuition [N]

Thinking [T] : Feeling [F]

Judging [J] : Perceiving [P]

This post is not about explaining Myers-Briggs – please search on line if you want to understand the concept and assess yourself.

This post is to explain a shift that I have noticed in my score since I undertook the exercise 4 years ago and it had a surprising effect on me.

Four years ago my Myers-Briggs type was ESFP

Last week my Myers-Briggs type was ESTP

My answers had shifted very dramatically from Feeling to Thinking

Both types are fine – the purpose of Myers-Briggs is to understand the different personal dynamics in a team and how a combination of types can bring challenges if behaviours are misunderstood, but also thriving energetic teams.

My own personal shift, from Feeling to Thinking is not as a result of some sort of personality transplant, I am still a very feeling, emotional being, but I have conditioned myself, with the help of others, and through periods of deep reflection and calm, to become a Thinking Being.

I have transitioned from feeling all my pain through an emotional vacuum, into being in a virtual constant dialogue with my inner voice, paying deep attention to its voice and pleas to be heard, loved and nurtured.

So my feelings are expressed through thought and inner dialogue and peace, and it feels fantastic.

My next blog will be    “Viva Espana”

William Defoe

Earlier this week I had a 1:1 with a coach from work in connection with the results of a Myers-Briggs assessment that I had recently completed.

Myers-Briggs in the topic of my next post.

Towards the end of the interview which was approximately an hour long, the coach said to me, it seems to me that you have been through a period of Entrapment and you are transitioning into a new period of your life.

I was surprised at her grasp of this element of my truth because I thought I had been quite guarded about my truth.

We had discussed, the children having grown up, and my wife and I having to adapt to being a couple once again.

We had also touched upon my need for reflection in my life.

When she said, I had suffered a period of entrapment, I immediately related to her that I had struggled to emerge into my new senior responsibilities at work, that I was enjoying the dynamic, energising aspects of delivery, team management and service re-design.

I told her that for a number of years I had felt trapped in a large team where I had struggled to emerge into a senior role through promotion or interview.

So, entrapment explained !.

However, when I sat down at home later on in the evening and I was writing my diary, I was struck by another example of my entrapment which had not come to mind when I was with her.

It was the entrapment of my life in a mode of denial to my truth which was conforming to the ideals of the expectations I felt my family placed on me and my Catholic faith in respect of my need to suppress my gay sexuality.

Had she picked up on that level of entrapment?

I’ve no idea, and I certainly have no need to explore that with her.

But, I was very struck that she had perceived entrapment in my life and that I had broken free from it!

Can you try to do the same?

My next blog will be     Myers-Briggs

William Defoe

I recently was prompted in my inner reflection of remembering how my long years of suffering were described as being a kind of  “wounded narcissism” by my coach.

I recall feeling slightly uneasy at mention of the term and on getting home I looked up what it meant to clarify her explanation of it.

Wounded Narcissism is when an emotional injury causes the sufferer to direct anger at others and also at self (this is not meant to be a text book definition)

There is of course a spectrum and narcissistic tendencies can result in serious aloofness to anger expressed in murderous actions.

My experience of wounded narcissism was directed at those close to me and I cannot really judge the harm I caused them which I regret so much, but I can assess the harm caused to self by my intense rejection of my gay sexuality and the pain I suffered as I tried to be in a world that did not know me, feeling isolated and scared.

There are times when I wish that I had never mentioned my truth to the world, and then I reflect on the shift within me that has transformed my life in the present so that I can be calm in the midst of turmoil and supportive to those who need me.

My wounds have healed, but I carry those scars and I know that I will carry these for life, but with time, I am hopeful they will fade.

When the pain does surface, as it inevitably will, the balm I need to heal is to be calm, to love myself, and to love even more those who have helped me overcome my wounded narcissism, especially my wife, my children, my parents and siblings and my amazing coach all of whom have liberated me from the pain of self.

If you are directing anger at others and also at self, liberate yourself in the present by seeking help to reveal your truth.

My next blog will be:   Entrapment

William Defoe

Last week as I was walking from my office at work into the kitchen, I said audibly out loud “I’m tired of worrying”

No one heard me!

Except one – me!

I knew that to express that thought into the space I occupied physically was a call for help from my inner voice.

I felt tired, anxious, overwhelmed and I have been less able in recent weeks to keep to my schedule of prioritising self whilst in the midst of pressure at work, upheaval at home with home improvements taking place, being out of sorts with my wife, anxious about financial pressures.

I was not immediately able to respond for my need for calm, but a note to self told me that I must make this a priority as soon as I could.

Over the weekend, I have found time to sit in silence, walk with my wife along the tow path of our local canal which is stunning, and I have found time to separate out in my head the issues that have been crowding in, many of which are behind me.

I have noticed that my fears and worrying are often about future things that I have control over in the present, and I recognise that fatigue makes me feel less able to appreciate this.

I think I was in need of a rest, so the worrying is a symptom of being tired in the present moment, rather than the tiredness being a symptom of worrying as it was in large elements of my past.

My next blog will be    Wounded Narcissism

William Defoe