I grew up with a cliche ringing around my ears whenever I was feeling sorry for myself –“there are people a lot worse of than you in the world” – “think of the poor babies in Africa”

When I am in the midst of my unhappiness and everything feels hopeless to me, I resolutely refuse to acknowledge the pain of others in that moment, as I grapple with my attempts to emerge from the darkness.

I know, of course, that the cliche is in fact right and most likely, it is right at some level for all of us, but in that moment of pain we do well to focus on our own needs unless perhaps thinking of others brings some perspective.

I have a particular friend who is in a far worse situation vis-a-vis his mental health than I am. In fact a visit to him has the effect of certainly bringing a perspective to the difficulties in my life.

As a result of his torment, which I am privileged to have been appraised of by him, he has lost his job, his marriage is in difficulty and his motivation to move forward is very low.

So, yesterday, my wife and I visited him and his wife. We were able to encourage them to get outdoors with us, walk around a lake and talk before heading to the pub for a meal and a few drinks.

“Come back and see us very soon”, he says, as we leave for our two hour journey home.

“I’ll be back”, I say. He is my friend. I am resolved that I will never abandon him to his pain.

My next blog will be: Chill Pill

William Defoe

We will, no doubt, all have family and friends in our circle who have a reputation for being late. An old priest used to refer to my mother as “the late Mrs Defoe” and she is still alive 40 years later!

This post is not about being late in the sense of not being where you perhaps ought to be on time. This post is about a sense of judgement I feel is placed upon me when on my return from work on an evening, my wife will sometimes say “You’re Late”

I immediately feel judged because, in trying to build a place of calm in my life, I have, in recent years, kept work at work and home at home. For me, the dividing line in terms of the actual time that work ends and home starts is not the issue, it is the separation of the two which helps me to manage my life.

I recognise, less easily, the truth of my wife that she is concerned for my well being in terms of me eating late after being out at work for what seems to her an excessive amount of time.

So, I have asked her to express that concern differently because although her comments come from a place of love, in my attempt to be in the world, I need to avoid a sense of hearing her love as a judgement.

My next blog will be: Visiting a friend

William Defoe

When I am in the midst of unhappiness, I often hear these words in my head “I used to be Happy” quickly followed by “No you didn’t”

When the darkness in my life assumes precedence in my thoughts, the light struggles to emerge into the open and is quickly suppressed. 

The truth about the huge emotional upheavals that have been a feature of my life caused primarily by my conflicted sexuality, is that they have in fact ebbed and flowed and I can think of many times when I have experienced happiness.

The Integral Coaching that I have undertaken recently has empowered me not to think ahead to some idyllic future when happiness is dominant and constant, but to acknowledge and make a note of those times when they do occur, so that real happiness can be recalled, which will act as a beacon in the darkness.

So, my truth is that sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am sad and actually they exist in my consciousness and memory together at the same time.

My goal is to make sure that I never think of happiness as being in the past tense! 

Will you try to join me in doing the same?

My next blog will be: You’re late!

William Defoe

In the western Christian tradition the Feast of Christmas – the birth of Our Lord, Jesus Christ, comes to an end on the 12th night with the symbolic arrival of The Three Kings (from the east) alternatively referred to as The Three Wise men who brought gifts to Jesus of Gold; Frankincense and Myrhh – this feast is called – “Epiphany”

These wise men represent the Gentiles – non Jews – to represent that the Good News of Jesus is for the whole world after the dear Jewish people.

My blog today, is to share a lovely Epiphany prayer which was sent to me today by a friend, which I would like to share with you:-

“As the wise men made their long journey to meet with God, so may each of us make that journey every day, facing our challenges and finding the energy and courage to keep going and the wisdom to know that the reward is worth everything.”

I have underlined the key sentiment for me in the prayer, because life can be a struggle for me , perhaps it is for you, but a way to manage this struggle is to live in the present, informed by the past, conscious of the future to come, but living the best we can for today.

My next blog will be : “I used to be Happy”

William Defoe

During the Christmas holiday, I watched the film adaptation of Willy Russell’s play “Shirley Valentine” which includes the very moving performance by Pauline Collins.

It is my favourite film of all time – how can that be? Why?

The words touch me very deeply and the pathos “Hello Wall” is intermingled most perfectly with the humour “Yes I’ll be having sex for breakfast, sex for lunch, sex for dinner and sex for supper – have you never heard of it – it’s called the “F” Plan”

Shirley Valentine has been lost in her role as wife, mother and housekeeper and she is so lonely and isolated that she talks to the wall. Her family are grown and her husband no longer notices her. There are flashbacks in the film to happier times.

I crumble at the part of the film where she is sat alone drinking wine at the sea edge on her holiday alone in Greece – for her a moment she has dreamed of for weeks – and yet the dream in that moment is not delivered – she says to herself (and to us):-

“I have lived such a little life and soon even that will be over” 

“Why do we get all of this life and dreams and feelings if most of it goes unused?”

“I have allowed myself to be lost in my role as wife, mother and housekeeper – what has happened to the girl who was Shirley Valentine?”

I crumble again uncontrollably at the end of the film where her husband, having come to Greece to claim her back, walks past her at the sea edge – she calls to him – and he looks back and says “Shirley, I didn’t recognise you”

She says “I was the wife, the mother, the housekeeper – now I am Shirley Valentine again – would you like to join me for a drink?

And so – what is my blog today trying to say?:-

For me, (who experiences deep unhappiness and emotional upheaval in my life, perhaps like you), it says two things:-

1/ If you are lost in what defines your life to others – make every effort to find your soul – I do this by sitting in silence, listening to my soul, reading, blogging, painting and walking.

2/ Look afresh at your partner (especially, if like me, you have been together for many years and are pummeled by life’s ups and downs) and love them!.

Help them to maintain their own souls by recognising their needs as well as those of your own.

My next blog will be: Epiphany

William Defoe

I have the luxury of a 45 minute drive home from work everyday.

I did not always see this time as a luxury, in fact there was a time when it felt like a waste of time and the traffic could be so frustrating as I felt pressure to reach home.

During my journey of self acceptance I have come to realise that this time alone is precious. A great array of activity comes into my mind which calls for my attention.

Sometimes I laugh at the replay of an event that happened today or at some memory that wants to be aired in my consciousness.

Often I cry – perhaps shed a tear is a better explanation of this experience – because some happy or sad thought has commandeered the space in the silence that I have provided for it.

So, Driving Home, I put behind me the pressures of today, and I plan a little for tomorrow so that when my car arrives at my home, I can enter that safe space, calmer, and more able to listen to the concerns of my family who have not had the advantage of my drive home!

My next blog will be: Shirley Valentine

William Defoe

I am beginning to emerge from a difficult period, which, on reflection, has lasted since the end of summer.

A deep routed vein in my troubled emotional life, is a feeling that I am not loved by those whom I believe ought to love me. 

I have observed recently, very clear evidence that in fact I am very much loved by my wife, my daughters, my ageing parents, my brothers and sisters, my close friends and even work colleagues through words I hear about their love and respect for me, the acts of kindness they direct towards me and the efforts they make, even when I make the going very difficult indeed.

So, I have observed that I am loved, but I still don’t feel it. 

I don’t feel it because of a barrier which I have constructed, during many years of experiencing pain, fear and isolation and if I want to feel the love that I have observed, I need to start the work of deconstruction!

The way I think I can start this work is to live in the present (not the difficult past!) and be calm and giving of my truth – I encourage you to do the same if you, like me,  want to feel the love!

My next blog will be: Driving Home

William Defoe

On my journey of self acceptance I have been encouraged to find a place of calm in a life that has often been punctuated by periods of stress, anxiety, feeling unhappy and anger.

I referred in an earlier blog to my practice of “sitting” which involves sitting still for  a few minutes and listening to the rhythm of my breathing whilst at the same time being in touch with my physical reality – my body – and that I am not just a thinking emotional head but a human body with a rightful claim to be in the world around me.

I experienced,whilst I knelt down at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve,a further dimension to my being which was a very deep spiritual aspect of my life which was thrilling and calming which has lasted through the whole of Christmas.

I am not just a head of feelings and emotions – you, like me are a physical being and a spiritual being – I intend to keep these dimensions of my life in the present during my life – and can you do the same?

My next blog will be : Feeling Loved

William Defoe

I have been observing lately about the difficulty that “Choice” in our lives can bring.

As children many of our choices are made for us and then as we grow and mature the choices that we make have a profound influence on how we make progress or cope with setbacks throughout our lives

I think that now, in middle age, it would be nice to live a life with settle choices – most people will have made career choices and relationship choices and made the odd change here and there along the way.

Why is it then that the availability of choice in my life is causing me pain and anxiety at this time of my life – is it explained by a mid-life crisis – well I’ve had one of those before, so why now?

It is the choice of staying true to my values and  looking forward to new relationships with established family and ,who knows, future grandchildren and the alternative choice which is to succumb to my sexuality and reach out for an alternative way of living.

Maybe there is no choice at all – maybe live can be all encompassing!

My next blog will be: Midnight Mass

William Defoe

Earlier this week I read a very poignant article on the BBC website about how difficult is is for some of us to enjoy the Christmas and New Year festivities and how one woman –  a mother – had to fake her enjoyment for the sake of her children!

The article resonated with me very deeply because the feelings of hurt and disappointment and fear cannot be somehow put into a box until January 2nd, and yet despite all that, many of us do try to fake it for the sake of others often at great personal cost.

Also last week, I regrettably let the full force of my anger and despair be directed to my brother who after many weeks actually noticed my pain and offered to help – too late and I let go a torrent of anger at him – better I think to have faked it!

My next blog will be: Choice

William Defoe