In recent years I have abstained from consuming alcohol for the duration of Lent.

Lent is within the Christian Tradition the period of fasting, praying and alms-giving that starts on Ash Wednesday and ends on Easter Sunday when the church having honoured and revered the sufferings of Jesus Christ in His Crucifixion on Good Friday, celebrates His Resurrection.

I have done this “fast” for a number of years, which I must say bears only scant comparison in my case to the fast which Moslem friends of mine undertake in Ramadan, however, the inconvenience of it all is what I notice the most.

I am a creature of habit in so many ways, and so to go without, or divert a well held routine, does have an impact not only on me but on those around me.

I am available at all times to give lifts to my wife and children, the requirement for taxi’s decreases and my friends who are fascinated by the exercise and whilst respecting of it, would love me to be back to my normal self.

I think this diversion of habit in terms of the abstinence of food or drink or other comforts, can be applied more widely to our behaviors. We can transfer the learning of the benefits of abstinence and the breaking of our routine by becoming more spontaneous, kinder, more open and giving to our loved ones and perhaps breaking the destructive cycle of negativity that occurs within ourselves.

So, I’m alcohol free for a few more weeks, but the change within me needs to last in the present moment long after Easter has passed.

My next blog will be : Emotions Run Deep

William Defoe

BBC TV are currently running a short series “The Gift” in which people from many walks of life want to find an opportunity to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or “Thank you” to people whom they have been unable to contact.

I was deeply moved by the efforts of a  former school bully who, haunted by his past, hoped to finally apologise to his victim.

In the show, Matt Baker, the presenter, helped 51-year old Jon Howe in his quest to absolve himself of his nasty past, by tracking down his former victim Simon Pierce.

Simon Pierce had been traumatised by the eleven years that he had endured, up to the age of 16 years, being bullied on a daily basis by Jon Howe and his mates.

He told Matt Baker that the experience had affected his well being, but that he had moved on in his life, and that although he would agree to meet Jon Howe and hear his apology, he would not be able to forgive him.

Jon Howe, had suffered with the trauma of the bullying that he had inflicted on Simon Pierce for a similar number of years after becoming increasingly troubled by the events of his schooldays in his mid-thirties until the present time. His family described him as a lovely man who genuinely could not move on with his life without having an opportunity to apologise to Simon.

The meeting was arranged for the two to meet. It was obvious to Simon in his first moments of eye contact with Jon, how deep the pain ran within him and subsequently during their conversation Simon told Jon that having thought it would be impossible to forgive him, he was able to say “Yes, I do forgive you”

Both men emerging from those few words “Yes, I forgive you” liberated from the past.

I wanted to comment on this reconciliation because I also experienced a certain level of bullying from a young age. I was hit everyday for a few years by an older boy from another school who passed me on the street with a thump without saying a word.

It severely dented my confidence and I think contributed to a lot of the anger which subsequently emerged in my life in later years.

Most of us are not going to get a TV apology, but the idea of liberating ourselves from the past by saying “I do forgive you” might be worth a shot!

My next blog will be : Alcohol Free

William Defoe

In the recent BBC TV Series “Winterwatch” the Mountain Hare was featured as an animal which has evolved to evade predators by changing its colour from dappled brown to granite white during the snowy season in Scotland.

It struck me that similarly, many of us adapt our truth to avoid the predators of life, so we conform, in my case, lacking the maturity to understand my sexuality and then suppressing the truth, because I was fearful of being ridiculed, rejected or separated from my wife and children.

The Mountain Hare adapts its fur to the seasons, whereas those of us who suppress our truth continue to wear the granite white of our reality long after the snow has gone.

It has been liberating for me to be able to wear my coat of truth in every season so that I no longer conform in many areas of my life to what I think is expected of me by others and I can be myself.

This freedom comes with risks as I have discovered. My dappled brown against the snow stands out and makes me and my family feel uncomfortable at times.

I have had to endure the occasional embarrassing remark or rebuke, but I realise that I am not a Mountain Hare trying to evade the talons of the Golden Eagle on a Scottish mountainside.

I am the mountain itself rising from the earth in all my glory – no matter what the weather or the season!

My next blog will be : “I do forgive you”

William Defoe

I sometimes think that people reading my posts will think that my journey is a straight one without any twists or turns or setbacks or doubts.

The truth of my journey is that the road is smoother but it has hidden blips and they still have great capacity to cause me, and occasionally those close to me, some pain.

Recently, I have experienced a feeling of “Flip-Flop” which at its heart is the struggle I am experiencing to reconcile within me, the hopes I have for my children as a loving father, and their own aspirations and dreams which are their own.

I celebrate my new found capacity to stay silent, when in the past I would have engaged myself fully in yet another destructive struggle, and yet my heart feels torn and interprets the flip side of new strength as a flop side of weakness..

I think deep down, I want them to love me and I want them to know that I love them and for that reason I will take the flip-flop experience that I occasionally endure as a sign that the changes I am making are for the long term.

My next blog will be: Mountain Hare

William Defoe

An article on the BBC News website caught my eye last week on the issue of UK suicide statistics and the increase that has occurred in men between the ages of 45 years and 59 years which has been explained in part by the legacy of the recession. (An extract of the actual report can be found below my signature below)

The article affected me because I am a man in the age bracket which is described in the piece as having had a noticeable increase in suicide rates. Men who should be at the prime of their lives cut down by an illness which to all intents and purposes could have been prevented.

So where does the prevention start?.

Many will suggest that the ownership belongs with general medical practice and mental health services or with institutions which have a duty of care for vulnerable adults e.g. prisons and so they do, but I want to encourage my readers to start with SELF!

I have suffered deep pain and anguish over the inner conflict I suffered over my sexuality and the potential consequences to myself and others of the truth coming out, and as a result the concept of suicide was certainly an option for me given the right circumstances.

It isn’t an option anymore!

I have to say, however, that it was not very likely that I would have taken my life because I was always acutely aware of the pain I would cause others which would have had consequences which were irreversible and hard to predict.

I have developed in recent months a deeper appreciation of understanding my truth so that I am no longer frightened of the impact on others of it coming out and I have developed a sense of community within which I feel supported.

I have also developed a more holistic concept of my whole life so that elements of past troubles or future anxieties or problems of today are never able to give me the feeling that they are all encompassing.

I have been able to put my problems in the context of a bigger picture so that for example an argument at home, unsettling as it can be, will not define the whole day in respect of other aspects of my life.

So I urge anyone feeling that suicide is the only option to think again. It most certainly is not.

Reach out for help from medical services but also take time to develop you’re own understanding of who you are, what needs to change to make you happy and fulfilled and try to communicate your truth within a community either family, with friends down the pub or at the gym, at a church group or calling the Samaritans so that you come to understand that:-

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 

My next blog will be: Flip-Flop

William Defoe

19 February 2015 Last updated at 10:26

Suicide in men ‘highest since 2001’

By James GallagherHealth editor, BBC News website

The proportion of men taking their own lives in the UK has reached its highest level for more than a decade, according to official figures.

The Office for National Statistics data shows 19 deaths by suicide for every 100,000 men in 2013.

Overall, 6,233 suicides were registered in men and women over the age of 15 in 2013 – 4% higher than the previous year.

The legacy of the recession is one explanation for the rise.

Overall suicide rates had been falling consistently from 15.6 deaths per 100,000 in 1981 to 10.6 per 100,000 in 2007.

“Since 2007, the female rate stayed relatively constant while the male rate increased significantly,” the ONS report states.

In 2013, 78% of suicides were in men.

The most vulnerable age group were those aged between 45 and 59, however, the rates have been increasing in all age groups except in the under thirties.

The report added that research suggested that “the recent recession in the UK could be an influencing factor in the increase in suicides” and that “areas with greater rises in unemployment had also experienced higher rises in male suicides”.

‘Shocking’

Marjorie Wallace, the chief executive of the mental health charity SANE, commented: “It is really shocking that men who are or could be in their prime of life should feel driven to such a state of hopelessness and despair for the future that they are taking their own lives.

“SANE’s own research shows that many suicides could be prevented, if people were able to talk more openly about their feelings and felt able to seek therapy or other help.

“Our concern is the number of suicides which are preventable and the fact that when people with mental illness hit crisis point, there are no available beds or units and they are sent home from A&E and left to suffer in silence.”

Joe Ferns, from the Samaritans, said: “The news is sadly not surprising to us given the context of a challenging economic environment and the social impact that brings.

“We need to see a greater focus at local and regional levels on the co-ordination and prioritisation of suicide prevention activity especially in areas with high socio-economic deprivation.”

For many years, and until very recently I would have said that the answer was “Yes, I am!”

I have been engaged in recent months in clarifying my thinking and recording my thoughts on this matter not only on paper but also in recognising a deep emotional shift.

So here are my thoughts:-

• I have been married to same woman for nearly 28 years
• I have been faithful in my marriage
• I love my wife and children
• I have invested a large part of my life to the development of my children
• I have worked for nearly 33 years and provided financial support to my family
• I love my own birth family very much
• i have a lovely home
• i have enjoyed the support of my parents and siblings
• I have some very close friends
• I have a very deep Catholic faith
• I have given my time and skills freely to the community
• I studied in my early 20’s and again in my mid 40’s
• I am a qualified accountant

But on the other hand:-

• I have suppressed my gay sexuality for many years within my marriage
• I have suffered terribly with anxiety, fear and pain of inner conflict
• I have managed to alienate my children by being far too controlling
• I have felt resentment towards my parents and siblings
• I have been quick to react with incredibly destructive anger when things have gone wrong
• I did not go to university and get a degree
• I have felt inferior professionaly
• I have always tended to spend more than I earn

So I have:-

• Confronted my pain and revealed my truth
• I have cultivated a place of calm and listened to my inner voice
• I have increased my capacity to accept the choices that my children have made
• I am calmer
• I have undertaken a course in Integral Coaching which is a lifelong never ending course of development
• I have shared my learning and development in this blog
• I have reconciled my faith concerns to my sexuality
• I continue to work to reconcile my sexuality to my marriage
• I have formed a supportive family network around me
• I have brought greater financial discipline into my life
• I have asked for medication to assist me with feelings of agitation and stress

So the question I have been asking myself is: Am I a FAILURE?

You already know the ANSWER!

My next blog will be: “You are not alone”

William Defoe

Of course the title of my blog today has echo’s of those amazing lyrics written by Paul Simon and performed by Simon and Garfunkel (1964) – “The Sound of Silence”

My blog cannot compete with such poetic brilliance, but the title does help me form the words that i want to say to you today.

“The Sound of Silence” is something within me that I am beginning to love and appreciate more and more and it is a phenomenon that increasingly I cannot live without.

Silence, stillness, quiet time, peace, comes when I sit in solitude so that as far is possible all external noise around me is expunged and my body is at rest and still.

In that space, my head is anything but silent.

“The Sound of Silence” is on occasions deafening, nagging, crowding in , infuriating, frustrating, nauseating until the messages begin to separate out and slowly make sense.

A knot is untangled, and messages from within are  understood more clearly a course of action resolved upon, a tear or two shed.

This, I now understand, is the true inner call of self, to emerge into my life from the din around me.

It speaks to me of yesterday and today and tomorrow.

It is both happy and sad.

It bears witness to my physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual truth and it is as euphoric as it is challenging, because after my time with self in “The Sound of Silence” a calm descends which unites external and internal self as one.

In the calm and peace I have been able to reconcile my identify to the life within me and around me and I encourage all of you who suffer any inner conflict to discover “The Sound of Silence”

My next blog will be “Answer: I most certainly am not!”

William Defoe

As I try to live in the present each day on my continuing journey of self acceptance and inner calm, I quite frequently look out for signs of improvement in the manner in which I deal with the challenges I am faced with each day.

I have noticed that I am calmer, I am less likely to react negatively on the spur of the moment to provocation, I am less angry and if anything a little more reserved and reflective.

I have noticed that I laugh more and the sensation seems to be more readily accessible and if something makes me laugh or if I make someone laugh I quite like to re-play in my mind the humour later in the day or in the car to lighten my mood or unwind from the days events.

When I first engaged through Integral Coaching with learning to love myself and accept my gay sexuality, one of the areas which caused me the greatest pain and anguish were when people would occasionally insinuate that I was gay – all done in a friendly way  – on the surfaced I laughed – inside I was crushed at that moment but also later the anguish and pain would haunt me for days.

Last week a young girl in the office was bantering with me about my female boss who is very beautiful and then without warning she said “but you would prefer Mark I bet” – general hilarity!

And the improvement?  ……   It’s huge!  ……..   “Water off a Duck’s Back!”

My next blog will be: The Sound of Silence

William Defoe

A few days ago I was driving home alone from work, when after having come to the end of my period of silence I reached out into my glove-box and pulled out a CD at random – A Genesis in Harmony – Church Organ Music played by Carlo Curley.

It is a CD which I purchased at am Organ Recital given by Carlo Curley at an English Cathedral a few years ago.

The track that I forwarded onto was “Prelude in Classic Style” by composer Gordon Young and within moments of the track starting I welled-up with emotion at its brilliance.

The tone is high pitched, the pace is fast and the music repetitive with occasional interludes of skipping beats which set my heart racing. The repeating notes moving up scale as if speaking and then downscale as if responding – absolutely marvelous with sporadic jingling sounds throughout.

As the piece comes to an end the noise from the quick notes gets louder and louder and more intense and then cascades down as if on a hillside punctuated by abrupt breaks in sound as the music moves into the grande finale still skipping along until a top note is reached and held for a few seconds until the great dying crescendo of slowed down notes brings the piece to its conclusion.

The music reminded me in a joyous way of my life, intense, emotional, stressed at times, conflicting inner messages getting lost in the chaos of life and missing the little moments of joy which certainly have occurred because of the repetitive background noise of anxiety and fear.

But as I listened to that joyous sound, I felt as if in this present moment I was a spectator to all that strife and that in some way it was playing back my past life from a place in the present of vibrant joy – and this is possible for me because I am learning how to be calm, even in the midst of chaos – can you try to be the same?!

My next blog will be: Water off a Duck’s Back

William Defoe

On 8th February 2015 on his way to say Mass at a church on the outskirts of Rome, Pope Francis made an unannounced stop at a shantytown which is home to 200 migrants, many of whom are from his South American homeland.

I saw a 1.53 minute video on YouTube by searching for “pope surprise visit” and I have looked at the footage several times because in it there is a woman who goes in that “edited” 113 seconds from excitement to something far deeper that I am struggling to find the words to explain – I am mesmerized by her.

The Pope stands at the entrance to the shantytown and there is great excitement as about 50 people run to him down a path and greet him and receive his blessing and take photographs of him.

He then calls them to prayer and In Spanish they recite The Lord’s Prayer and that is when I notice the woman’s mood change, she is affected deeply by the experience and I sense that something has changed in her life that is far more important than the souvenir photo that was taken with her on his left arm at the beginning.

This Pope is saying and doing some profound things which at their heart is a deep simplicity, personal humility and love for the poor.

We all carry in our own way the battle scars of life, rich and poor alike, and that short footage and the woman’s transition from excitement to healing (is that the word?) spoke deeply to me of how in reaching out to others, especially the lonely and dispossessed in our own neighbourhood, we too can be transformed.

My next blog will be : Prelude in Classic Style

William Defoe