I have struggled through most of my adult life to answer some of the questions in my life that were a contradiction within my life and in answering those questions, and being certain of an outcome, I have enclosed myself in a life of isolation, anger and fear.

One of the coping strategies which I am developing and evolving into through Integral Coaching is be content in “Living in the Questions”

Here is an example which I pick from a choice of many:-

Question: What will happen if I tell my wife that I have a same sex attraction (i.e that I am gay!) ?

Answer: (in my head) My wife will leave me, I will be forcefully outed, I will lose access to my children, I will have to move away, I will suffer deep shame and these feelings might go away on their own (honest – as if!) .

Result: I suppress my truth for twenty years in which time I get more and more anxious, controlling, angry, stressed, unhappy, isolated, scared, feelings of guilt, feelings of self loathing, feelings of suicide until the time came in November 2012, when my truth demanded to be heard.

I found it within me to tell my wife that I love her, I have been faithful to her, but I am gay and I cannot live in isolation a moment longer regardless of the consequences.

Result: Tears, hugs, re-assurance, declarations of love, she knew all along something was wrong, hopeful we can work through it together.

So, I lived in the wrong answer for twenty years, but I acknowledge that those fears may have come to pass, but now two years on from those events, I am still married and I am still gay.

It is a struggle at times to reconcile the two apparently conflicting pulls on my life.

I now live in the questions in respect of whether we will be strong enough to sustain our marriage in these circumstances. When things between us feel good, I tend to think we can, and when things feel strained, I tend to wonder if we can.

I try to avoid trying to predict an outcome in the future, what matters is having an ability to keep living in the question with my wife on this and other issues, and if today, in the present we are content to do that, then, that is all that matters.

My next blog will be :  My Life Without Fear

William Defoe

One of the simplest changes that I have made to my life has opened up new opportunities for me to interact with the world and those around me who share my physical, mental, intellectual and spiritual space.

I have noticed that by making sure I have chunks of quiet time – usually for me on the 45 minute drive to work and again on the drive home, I have created a clear separation between work and home so that as far as is possible the occasional pressures and strains of both are kept separate and distinct and allow me to get in touch with William – that’s me!

For many years I did not know who William was – I had a vague sense of who he used to be and was often terrified of what he might become, but recognising him in the present was lost in a maelstrom of pressure, anxiety, anger, controlling behaviours and deep pain.

In making myself available as I eat my evening meal, I have noticed that there are opportunities for my wife and adult children to open up to me. It is a thrilling sensation.

Last week my wife began to tell me about some concerns she has around the happiness of one of our children. I sat and listened. I was then told some history that I have not been made aware of. I sat and listened. 

As I listened, I felt a pang of guilt about the load my wife has previously had to bear, but I sat and listened – I didn’t apologise or explain myself, it wasn’t about me, I sat and listened. 

As I listened, I sensed that something should be done to assist my child, but this is the profound thing that I have noticed the most, I have taken in the message but I have not reacted to it or tried to resolve it.

The problem is not mine to solve but I know that I am in a far calmer place to listen should my child ever decide to raise their concerns with me, and there might be a time when having made myself accessible, I am able to gently introduce a topic.

So, William is no longer the reactive, controlling, angry man he once was.

William has created through his quiet time an accessible space in which his family can…. Open up to Me!

My next blog will be:     Living in the Questions

William Defoe

In recent months I have noticed that whenever I think of the future, I ask myself to think about what my thoughts of the future are telling me in the present moment.

Whenever, I become aware of a future thought I am very conscious that it is speaking to me now, today, in the present.

For example, I have always liked to have future holidays and social plans to look forward to and rather than think that a future planned event is ten weeks away before I fly to Spain etc, I focus on the value of the promise of a future pleasant experience and it lightens up my mood in a positive way.

I have suffered in the past through being bogged down by memories of poor experiences on holidays related to family arguments and my own inability to manage my stress or control events, so that they cast a shadow over future plans, so that there has been at times, a sense of dread that the past will repeat itself in the future.

I now try to live my life in the present and I have gained a new discipline through finding a period of quiet and reflective time in each day to be calm and to absolutely refute in the present moment negative thoughts about the future. 

I had it all planned out in my head a few years ago, how my children’s lives would unfold in terms of academic success, marriage (in church!), grandchildren, happiness. When their realities took a different turn to my expectations I panicked, became unhappy, made them unhappy and for a time I felt an overwhelming sense of foreboding about all my tomorrows. No more!

If my thoughts ask me to look into the future, I try very hard to take some joy out of those thoughts today in the present moment.

Tomorrow will take care of itself when it becomes the present!

My next blog will be:   Opening Up to Me

William Defoe

Last week I had an opportunity to appraise myself of my progress on my journey of self acceptance in preparing for and then holding a telephone conversation with my coach.

Taking Stock of where I am in the present moment requires a fairly thorough investigation of how I am coping with the complexities of my life at the current time and what experiences can I find by looking back over the period of time since we last spoke which help me to explain both my progress and setbacks over that period.

I have been coached for just over two years and I have found myself being able to clearly articulate the improvement in how I explain myself in the world with much more clarity of self understanding and acceptance than I was able to at the start of this lifelong journey.

I wrote down three headings as follows:-

1. The Present
   • I am calmer
   • I am more settled in my marriage
   • I am more aware of the impact of my behaviour on others who are close to me
   • I feel happier towards my family
   • I am able to cope with challenging situations and the choices of others which previously caused me to react angrily
   • I am in touch with my coaching strategies so that they are becoming self-generating and sustainable in the situations that I find myself in
2. Coping Strategies
   • I have cultivated a family network of support which I fully engage in
   • I write my blog regularly which helps me to channel my journey into a shared experience with others
   • I have reduced my “news” intake – less intense over world events while remaining interested
   • I write a diary everyday which records my feelings
   • I spend a part of everyday in quiet space
   • I walk regularly with my wife
3. The Future
   • Holiday and Social Plans to look forward to

Having prepared for the call and sent this to my coach in advance, we have our call and I am able to focus on areas of particular improvement and those that remain challenging.

I benefit from having to speak out my current understanding of the issues which I am dealing with, and in return I benefit from her gentle guidance, which is not advice, rather it is speaking back to me what I have said, and probing the deeper meaning within it for me to continue to reflect upon, until the next time I come to the point of “Taking Stock”

My next blog will be: Bringing the Future into the Present

William Defoe

Over the years when I was struggling in isolation and fear to accept the reality of my gay sexuality, I was often at the centre of arguments and controlling behaviour with my close family which came and went with regular frequency.

Two years ago when I sought help after confiding the truth about my sexuality to my wife and experiencing her great care of me, I needed time in the open to come to terms with the reality of our situation.

It was difficult to come to a place in the present where I was not haunted by the past, and to move on in my life without suffering from the burden of guilt which I felt over my past behaviour.

I was very moved recently when during a sermon, a priest explained that in this season of Lent, Catholics are encouraged to attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) and that so often, the same people come back time and time again and repeat the same issues (sins) that they have said on previous visits.

He made it clear that in confession, the priest absolves (forgives sins) in the name of Christ and that we should emerge from the confessional at peace, at rights with God and accept that we are forgiven – there is no need to refer to those sins again, they have past.

These words had a deep resonance with me, and even perhaps for you in either a religious or non-religious context, if we have acknowledged a wrong-doing to ourselves and we have  made attempts to reconcile ourselves to injured parties (I’m not talking about crimes here), then we should FORGIVE OURSELVES.

I have come to realise through Integral Coaching that in order to move forward and live in the present I must FORGIVE MYSELF.

Occasionally old thoughts and feelings flood into my mind, but I gently tell myself that these moments are gone and they are not a part of my current reality.

My wife sometimes refers to the past and I try to be patient in letting her express her feelings, before holding her and saying to her “but those days are in the past and we are now living in the present.- aren’t we!”

My next blog will be: Taking Stock

William Defoe

Last week as I drove to work I was very affected by the sight of a bird flying over the dual carriageway on which I was driving, carrying a fairly large twig in its beak.

I have not been able to get the image out of my mind, not only because it was such a beautiful image but also because of a host of information that act of nesting conveys in terms of the start of Spring, the busyness of the natural world in creating and bringing forth new life and how that plays out in my own life at a very deep level.

I observe that throughout my own life, I have striven to build a home – in my case handing money over to the bank each month to pay the mortgage, but also within the means that have been available to me, through the joint effort with my wife, and the generosity of others, I am surrounded by my own metaphorical nest of twigs.

But…… unlike that beautiful nesting bird which builds for a greater purpose for a short term but important purpose, I have found myself at times feeling overburdened by metaphorical twigs so that in fretting about the twigs, I have struggled to nurture the family within my nest even though I have given my all.

I fear that the last paragraph has echoes of a judgement on my ability to be the best husband, father and provider that I could be, however, I am so very conscious of judgments nowadays that if I make them, I call them observations of the past that are helpful in informing me of the past in this present moment.

So…. I admire the bird for its resilience and determination in the face of adversity and risk in carrying that big twig across the dual carriageway to its nest.

And……in applauding that fantastic feat of nature, I reflect on my own heroic feat in carrying my own heavy load in the face of adversity and at impossible odds, coming through to this present moment to a place of ever growing self acceptance of as I am, here and now.

It would be nice to think that you could do the same.

My next blog will be: Forgiving Myself

William Defoe

Recently I was persuaded by my hairdresser to change my hairstyle.

I normally have my hair short with it brushed back with my fingers and gelled slightly for hold.

My hair had grown somewhat and he suggested that I comb it over to the right and gel in place  so it looked tuft-up at the front.

I said to him but I think it will make me look gay and he said that it is how he has his and he is not gay.

So I agreed to it and “out” I came into the daylight!

The first thing my wife said when I got home was “what have you done to your hair? – it looks gay!”

I said “well if the cap fits – wear it!”  – totally at ease which is the real point of this post – I did not care a jot – I felt happy to express myself and keep the world guessing.

This is a huge leap in my capacity to be comfortable in my own skin because in the past I would have avoided any deliberate act that drew attention to my truth in that way.

Last week, it was time for my haircut once again and off it all came to a short trim from back to sides and top – but I did this because firstly, I did not like my hair being long and combed, and secondly because I can have my hair as I please.

My decision had nothing whatsoever to do with what other people thought of it!

I called in to see my mother “Oh William, your hair looks short and you used to have such lovely blond curls”

My response “Yes mother, that was when I was seven!”

My next blog will be: Nesting

William Defoe

Recently after over two years of trying to come to terms with all aspects of self, I am beginning to sense a real emergence of a change in the way I think and process the world around me.

I am noticing that I am able to appreciate the beauty in nature, music, friendships, family, love without having a shadow hanging over me which has previously blighted the moments of potential joy with an anxiety about my emotional pain, isolation and fear.

This liberation was made clear to me as listened to Dame Kiri Te Kanawa sing “The Heart is Slow to Learn” (see below) which I can only describe as a performance of absolute perfection.

Dame Kiri’s voice is exquisite because of her phenomenal range and control and I can recall watching her sing the song at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 50th Birthday celebration a few years ago when I was fascinated by how she hid the massive effort it must have taken her to hit the very high notes in the song.

So, the change in me by living in the present moment and having come to a place of self acceptance has liberated me to feel and appreciate the joyous world around me and I encourage you to try to so the same.

My next blog will be: Haircut

William Defoe

Note “The Heart is Slow to Learn”, music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, lyrics by Glenn Slater

As I was clearing out my attic earlier this week and making some very decisive decisions to throw out vast amounts of items that I had felt certain had a future when I first put them up there, I came across a small box of “treasures” that belonged to me.

In this box there was an assorted collection of badges, special coins on the occasion of Pope John Paul II visit to Britain in 1982, and of the Queen Mothers 80th Birthday, a compass that I was awarded for being best patrol leader in scouts, a hovercraft I had made of Lego as a boy on about 10 years and a pen given to me by my brother on the occasion of his graduation in 1983 to name but a few.

In and amongst all this was a handwritten “gong” with the words “1995 Bore of the Year” attached to a red piece of woolen thread with a piece of sellotape which my wife had presented me with 20 years ago.

I put it around my neck and went downstairs to see what reaction my wife might have. Of course, she laughed, but on reflection neither of us could think of why she had given me the accolade all those years ago.

I think I had a tendency to repeat myself over and over again about issues that at any one time have caused me to be concerned or anxious.

I have reflected on the times during my life, when I struggled to cope with everyday concerns about being able to provide financially, emotionally, materially and spiritually for my family, through my work whilst at that time becoming increasingly aware of the dilemma I faced over my sexuality and my marriage.

On my current journey to be more reflective and self aware and grounded in the present, I think that I am less likely to be so intense, as I must have been at that time in my life, so I am not expecting any time soon to be awarded another “Bore of the Year Award”

My next blog will be: An Exquisite Voice

William Defoe

In basic biology, we are all taught about the human body and the skeletal framework and muscles supported by our brain and major organs supplied by a network of blood vessels transporting blood which has been oxygenated by every breath we take to keep us alive.

There is also the nervous system, and already my basic biology is being tested, and I’m not going to provide a lesson in this post except to say that within me “Emotions Run Deep”

Where is the emotional network in my body? – I don’t remember the biology, but I do know that in me it has its origins in the brain and runs riot across my chest around my heart, autobahns into my stomach and guts with reservoirs of salty water behind my eyes that flow frequently.

I am noticing that, whereas I have always been a very highly strung man, and my emotional management skills have been less controlled than I would have preferred, I am now benefiting from feeling that they are an essential part of what makes me the loving, caring, empathetic and faithful man that I am and I should not be frightened of acknowledging my emotional truth.

Yesterday, I was watching The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at the cinema, and towards the end of this amazing film, I noticed that as a result of the struggle of the guests to find meaning in the twilight of their lives, the music, the dancing, the humour, the confusion, the poetry, and above all the fear inside me that Maggie Smith was going to die alone,  I welled over into absolute floods of tears as the film ended……….

But ….. what I noticed (apart from my wife sniggering at the sight of me as the lights came up) was that the emotion that runs deep within me was in relation only to that joyous film, and it was not somehow transferred, as it used to be, to my private anguish, now calmed down.

In fact, the change in me made me feel quite emotional!…. and so happy!

My next blog will be: “1995 Bore of the Year”

William Defoe