When I started out on my journey of self discovery three years ago, I remember thinking that autumn leaves were a metaphor for the things that have been shed from us so that I could move on in my life without fear.

This morning whilst running along the towpath of a beautiful canal I was reminded of my thoughts on autumn leaves and I noticed a shift in my thinking.

These leaves have fallen from the tree, but their stories are ongoing in the tree – they are part of the sap which gives sustenance and life to the tree.

Next years leaves will be nourished by this very same sap so that the new leaves are vibrant and strong from Spring through to Autumn.

The thought that struck me is that the sap is a liquid – it has fluidity, the story of the old leaves informs the new but this story is pliable not solid.

So in my life, the things that I have wanted to let go of, have been dropped, but they are in my sap – it is up to me to create the new stories living in the present, informed by my past, for a happier future of light and shade.

My next blog will be: Teddy bears

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.howtocleanstuff.net

I was in my mid twenties, married with two children before I was able to afford to buy my first car.

Until that time from the age of 11 years, I had traveled on two buses to school and back and after leaving school two buses to work and back.

My memories of those journeys, particularly in winter, is one of dirty, unreliable services, heaving with passengers and a deafening noise.

Last week my car was in a local garage for a repair and I decided that I would go to work and back on a bus.

I found the experience to be fascinating because, the services were on time and quite busy – busier than I expected them to be, and also in the bus station where I had to wait for my second bus, seating was provided with hi-tech displays of times and delays.

It felt like I was going out to board an aircraft when the second bus arrived which would complete my journey.

The bus was a limited stop bus, so I asked nervously if the bus stopped at the top of “X” road – the jovial bus driver said that that he would stop the bus wherever I wanted to get off – “just ring the bell” he said.

As I sat on the bus, travelling at speed on new priority bus lanes, I felt quite nostalgic for the sights and sounds which I had not heard so long.

My assumptions of the service, based on old narratives was challenged and I was thrilled to accept an updated view of bus travel – clean, reliable, polite, technical. safe.

I am using my new learning to challenge some of the old narratives that go on in my head, so there is a lot to be said for – bus nostalgia! 

My next blog will be: Sap

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.nostalgiatravel.co.uk

It is three years ago, this weekend since I had what I can only describe, as a meltdown, in which all reasonableness in my behaviour towards those whom I love most, seemed to evaporate.

Over the last three years, I have been on a continual and never ending journey of self discovery and self acceptance and I am learning to love myself and all aspects of my truth in a new way, which is outwardly facing but inwardly focused.

In recent weeks, I have noticed that my normal pattern of light and shade (which is something I accept) has been quite irrational, drift-like, undisciplined and a tad unreasonable and once I got onto it, I was determined to look at it, and get under it.

I have been quite busy, routinely busy at work but also quite stressed amidst an unusually high social life with celebrations and events for all manner of occasions seeming to come along with a pace one after the other, which I have found hard to keep up with.

I noticed, in my inner dialogue, that I needed to find space for a longer than usual period of quiet reflection.

In this moment, the silence around me was broken by a head breaking noise, as all the issues, longings, demands, judgments and anger with self, found a voice in that space.

It was hard to hear it all in the silence which surrounded it, so I just sat there and let them go for it.

I had a moment of tearful joy as the noisy silence moment passed, I stood up, brushed myself down and congratulated myself for having taken steps to avoid another meltdown.

My next blog will be: Bus Nostalgia

William Defoe

Picture credit: http://www.deviantart.com

Throughout my life, I have always had a sense of self, which has shown up in my inner life as not quite being a proper man.

My lack of sporting prowess and my hidden sexuality are two of the factors contributing significantly to this self assessment

In one area of my life, I am confident that I do show up as being a proper man!

I currently have man flu and I am desperately short of receiving the sympathy and the care that I need.

In denial of these services, and in battling through the adversity of this severe difficulty in my life at the current time, I am inwardly rejoicing at feeling that I have become (at least for a short while):

…. a proper man!

Achoo!

My next blog will be: Noisy Silence

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.wanna-joke.com

The mother of a friend of mine has moved into a care home recently after quite a few months of illness.

I asked her how her mother was getting on in her new home and it was nice to hear that she was settled and happy and that her apprehensions over the summer had been overcome.

My friend said to me, “…. and she has got a new friend and they play dominoes together”

She continues “….it is quite comical to watch them because my mother can’t see very well so the other lady calls out the number of dots and the new friend can’t pick the dominoes up so my mother puts them down for her”

The learning I have taken from this is that to be truly resilient we need to apply the skills we have, and then reach out for the help we need, from the world around us.

Thinking I have to do it all myself in the past has led me to periods of isolation and fear.

How inspiring to hear that two elderly ladies in a care home have found a way to connect the dots and have a game of dominoes and in hearing their tale of fortitude, I have felt reinvigorated in my own acknowledgement of my own skills and my need for help.

My next blog will be: Man Flu

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.weknowyourdreams.com

How often do we see people, perhaps on a daily basis without really seeing them?.

We perhaps are unable to see past what is revealed to us by others, but we may sense that behind what we are presented with, there is something going on in peoples lives which is much deeper and hidden.

How do we access this deeper humanity?

Or perhaps, I should ask, how do we go about revealing our own deeper selves?

I for one, have not found it easy to be open about my hidden truth.

In recent years, after many years of suppressing my truth, I have worked within myself to find a deeper love, a deeper compassion for myself so that I feel much closer to being able to reveal my truth, if it is sought from me, in a safe way.

I very much love a line in the 2009 James Cameron film, Avatar, when Neytiri (a beautiful Na’vi woman) tells Jake Sully (an avatar – a man-made na’vi) – “I See You” 

She sees in him his bravery, fearlessness and commitment to her people and their values and systems of living, deeply connected to spirits of past na’vi and she is able to reciprocate his love for her, with her love for him.

This connection between them, was revealed through his efforts, to convince her of his truth, not in words, but in acts of bravery and respect.

I sometimes feel that I am not really fully visible in my truth and it causes me, from time to time, unbearable pain and deep anxiety.

I am asking myself, what I can do to be more open to the opportunities of being seen in safety (without judgement) so that if I happen on the words from another – “I See You” – “I respect your truth” –  I will be in a position to say to them “I See You”

My next blog will be:  Dominoes

William Defoe

Picture credit: quotesgram.com

In 2013 I visited the Holy Land in Israel on pilgrimage and saw the major Christian sites at Nazareth, Capernaum  Sea of Galilee, Nazareth, Jericho, Bethlehem and Jerusalem.

In  Jerusalem we paid our respects to the Jewish people at The Western Wall.

I expected to be moved at the holiest sites in Christendom at The Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem and at the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem at the sites of Christs Crucifixion and Resurrection and indeed I was deeply moved to be there.

I had not expected to be overwhelmed with emotion at a place called Bethany where we visited the tomb of Lazarus, whom Jesus raised from the dead in response to the faith of Lazarus’s sisters, Martha and Mary.

Martha and Mary are two of the biblical women who were close friends of Jesus and on one of his visits to their home it is recorded in Luke 10 (see below)  that Martha, busy with the housework complains to Jesus that Mary is not helping her as she sits at his feet listening to Jesus.

Jesus says to Martha, you are always busy and worrying about needless things and Mary has chosen the better part and this should not be taken from her.

As a child we were all encouraged to be like Mary, listening to the Lord, but I was never sure what Jesus would have had for his tea if Martha had not continued with her worldly duties!

At Mass on Tuesday I heard this gospel passage read out again followed by a brief comment by our priest.

My blog today strips out the overtones of religion and faith, which touched me deeply, when I listened on Tuesday night, but I want to explain this to people of all faiths and none.

We are all Martha, concerned with the world, our basic needs for food and shelter, relationships, work, interests.

We all need to be Mary too, concerned with things of spirit, or soul – in touch with our inner core – in touch with our inner teacher, which we may access with religious overtones or not, through regular periods of calm and solitude.

In my case I can do both, but nowadays I prefer to keep religion out of my thinking unless I specifically want to pray and reflect in a religious way e.g. in front of a crucifix or reciting the rosary.

I have developed in recent years, my need for soul, my need for truth, my need for acceptance of self.

I think I was overwhelmed at Bethany because I realised at that time, that my own balance between Martha and Mary was desperately out of balance and had been for most of my life. Not so now!

My next blog will be:   I See You

William Defoe

Picture Credit: en.wikipedia.org

Luke 10:38-42  New International Version (NIV)

At the Home of Martha and Mary

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

It’s that time of year, when in the UK, the nights are drawing in and there is an autumnal feel in the air.

The leaves on the trees are changing their colours before my eyes before being blown of the trees in a feast of beautiful colour.

This change of season, which is so apparent in the world around me, provokes a change in me at this time of year to long sleeved shirts.

Storage containers are located and opened and items of long sleeve clothing are washed, dried and ironed en-mass, in my response to the change in season.

If only our inner lives could respond so readily to the change in season.

I have come to understand that for my inner life to respond to the call for change, I must listen to it, reflect upon it and respond.

My response to the change in air temperature is a long sleeved shirt.

My response to my inner voice is an acceptance of self, less judgmental of myself and others and an awareness in the present of the beauty of the world around me in the physical world and in the people who accompany me, in love and friendship, on my journey through life.

My next blog will be    Martha and Mary

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.polyvore.com

I have been reflecting in recent weeks about my role as a provider.

I have come to believe that I am not really suited to that role, however, I have cultivated a system based on a traditional family role of a father to be provider, teacher and leader.

I have been unhappy, and I am at a point in my life when I need to change and I must change.

However, unsuited to my role as a provider, I have fulfilled this role for over thirty years of my life and now I sense within me an urgent need to shift the focus in life to something that is more balanced in which my role as a provider and my anxiety around this role is reduced.

I have been searching in recent weeks for evidence of this shift.

I have been trying to note down the occasions when my provider role is not linked to financial “bread winner” type provision:

• I have started to concentrate on my physical well being by running and getting fit.
• I have started to focus on my creative talent by painting for fun, which is deeply relaxing
• I have started to attend a french class for beginners in conversational french to excite my interest in that beautiful country and the french people.
• I have started to make an effort, and it is an effort, to read novels in my spare time.
• I have enjoyed knocking about on YouTube looking at political humour – William Hague is amazing!
• I have allowed myself to sit and watch a drama called “Doctor Foster” which I like because it has a limited demand on my time, unlike a soap which requires a commitment.
• I have been attending a weekday Mass for many months and I love the quiet simplicity of the small gathering around the altar and the prayers to Our Lady which we recite at the end of Mass.
• I have enjoyed many social occasions and I am conscious of the many friends that I share with my wife with whom we spend a good deal of our free time – I am conscious that they have an expectation of me to be humorous and fun and I am more aware of that role and whether or not it suits my well-being.
• I have prioritised each day time to write my diary and to reflect in silence on my inner self and I have been very aware of a heightened sense of anxiety and my need for calm.
• I write this blog which tells my journey to the world – whether the world is interested or not!
• I have spent time in the garden, preparing it for the winter space so that it gives pleasure to me and other’s in it’s plainness

I am learning through my development that to live in the present, nothing must command that my life is interpreted through a single dimension.

If life feels like that, i must expand my vision to bring in other interests and meanings – I am not just a provider, even though I continue to be one, I am a runner, an artist, a reader, a friend, I am a Catholic, a beginner in french!; a diarist; a blogger; a gardener!

What are you?

My next blog will be :   Long Sleeves.

William Defoe

Picture Credit : http://www.pinterest.com

Recently at a family event my brother, sensing my ongoing anxiety, said that we should meet up some time.

It was a kind gesture from him to recognise my need for his company.

In the intervening period, we have set up a date about six weeks ahead from now to meet up over a meal with drinks.

I have felt frustrated that in making the arrangements, I have not really explained to him my needs because if I had he would have seen me already.

In the midst of the confusion, which I have created between us by 1/ not being honest with him and 2/ allowing a judgement on myself that I am nothing but a nuisance to him, I have felt angry towards him.

My brother was the first person I told about my gay sexuality and on the evening when we discussed my dilemma he was incredibly supportive and generous with his promise to help me and be closer to me throughout my difficulty.

He praised me for my courage in telling him and said that he would support me.

Although we have met on occasions just as brothers more frequently over the last three years, I have not felt supported by him in the way that I want to be supported.

I cannot blame him for this – although I often do – but in my reflections, I have to recognise that I have not been able to explain to him what I actually want from him.

When I try to frame the question of what I expect from him in my mind, I come up with “I want a brother”

When we meet, we discuss all manner of issues except the one which I really want to be discussing with him, which is the ongoing struggle of my sexuality within my marriage, my alienation from the kids, my continuing sense of isolation and fear and my journey through Integral Coaching that I am undertaking.

He wants to tell me about his own difficult job, his work pressures, his family life, his ideas on our shared Catholic faith, which are increasingly different to my own.

I am beginning to understand that I need to find a better narrative to explain my needs to him. I have been struck by a thought in recent reflections which goes something like this:-

If you want a brother, you must first find a way of being a brother to him – perhaps this will be the route by which I finally get an opportunity to explain my needs.

My next blog will be:     Provider Role

William Defoe

Picture Credit – Find a Black Swan – zenbullets.com