Provider Role

I have been reflecting in recent weeks about my role as a provider.

I have come to believe that I am not really suited to that role, however, I have cultivated a system based on a traditional family role of a father to be provider, teacher and leader.

I have been unhappy, and I am at a point in my life when I need to change and I must change.

However, unsuited to my role as a provider, I have fulfilled this role for over thirty years of my life and now I sense within me an urgent need to shift the focus in life to something that is more balanced in which my role as a provider and my anxiety around this role is reduced.

I have been searching in recent weeks for evidence of this shift.

I have been trying to note down the occasions when my provider role is not linked to financial “bread winner” type provision:

  • I have started to concentrate on my physical well being by running and getting fit.
  • I have started to focus on my creative talent by painting for fun, which is deeply relaxing
  • I have started to attend a french class for beginners in conversational french to excite my interest in that beautiful country and the french people.
  • I have started to make an effort, and it is an effort, to read novels in my spare time.
  • I have enjoyed knocking about on YouTube looking at political humour – William Hague is amazing!
  • I have allowed myself to sit and watch a drama called “Doctor Foster” which I like because it has a limited demand on my time, unlike a soap which requires a commitment.
  • I have been attending a weekday Mass for many months and I love the quiet simplicity of the small gathering around the altar and the prayers to Our Lady which we recite at the end of Mass.
  • I have enjoyed many social occasions and I am conscious of the many friends that I share with my wife with whom we spend a good deal of our free time – I am conscious that they have an expectation of me to be humorous and fun and I am more aware of that role and whether or not it suits my well-being.
  • I have prioritised each day time to write my diary and to reflect in silence on my inner self and I have been very aware of a heightened sense of anxiety and my need for calm.
  • I write this blog which tells my journey to the world – whether the world is interested or not!
  • I have spent time in the garden, preparing it for the winter space so that it gives pleasure to me and other’s in it’s plainness

I am learning through my development that to live in the present, nothing must command that my life is interpreted through a single dimension.

If life feels like that, i must expand my vision to bring in other interests and meanings – I am not just a provider, even though I continue to be one, I am a runner, an artist, a reader, a friend, I am a Catholic, a beginner in french!; a diarist; a blogger; a gardener!

What are you?

My next blog will be :   Long Sleeves.

William Defoe

Picture Credit :

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