Noisy Silence

It is three years ago, this weekend since I had what I can only describe, as a meltdown, in which all reasonableness in my behaviour towards those whom I love most, seemed to evaporate.

Over the last three years, I have been on a continual and never ending journey of self discovery and self acceptance and I am learning to love myself and all aspects of my truth in a new way, which is outwardly facing but inwardly focused.

In recent weeks, I have noticed that my normal pattern of light and shade (which is something I accept) has been quite irrational, drift-like, undisciplined and a tad unreasonable and once I got onto it, I was determined to look at it, and get under it.

I have been quite busy, routinely busy at work but also quite stressed amidst an unusually high social life with celebrations and events for all manner of occasions seeming to come along with a pace one after the other, which I have found hard to keep up with.

I noticed, in my inner dialogue, that I needed to find space for a longer than usual period of quiet reflection.

In this moment, the silence around me was broken by a head breaking noise, as all the issues, longings, demands, judgments and anger with self, found a voice in that space.

It was hard to hear it all in the silence which surrounded it, so I just sat there and let them go for it.

I had a moment of tearful joy as the noisy silence moment passed, I stood up, brushed myself down and congratulated myself for having taken steps to avoid another meltdown.

My next blog will be: Bus Nostalgia

William Defoe

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