Earlier this week I suffered the horrible experience of a Torrid Day.

I was aware that even whilst I was amidst my suffering caused the effects of a family disagreement, I still retained capacity to go about my normal daily business.

Perhaps more importantly, I was aware that these torrid days occur with far less frequency than they used to do in years past, and that I have a capacity to welcome them as a valid part of my journey in life.

I have been reflecting, as I have emerged fairly quickly from the dark episode into sepia light, that my journey involves a fairly heavy load of managing my connectivity with my family which was damaged in the past by my periods of anger and silence and controlling (from a good heart) behaviors.

Earlier this week on the eve of my torrid day, my own control mechanisms were broken by my need to advise my daughter that I had felt hurt by her absence from home this summer and her attitude to university which frustrates me because I sense she is not fulfilling her potential.

I am reminded of a scene in “The Secret Garden” by Frances Hodgson Burnett in which Mrs Medlock the housekeeper having previously experienced control over the lives of the children (whom she cares for deeply) is told by the master to give them the run of the house and gardens.

She tolerates the behavior of the children as they roam the house and gardens at will until an incident tips her control into anger and she falls back into her assertive and protective role by separating the children and putting the house back into the order she craves.

I was able to recognise the Mrs Medlock in my actions and I was able quickly to contact my beautiful daughter and assure her that my words were advice for her to think about and not for me to control her life choices which are her own.

So, my coaching and continued development is helping me to draw light from the darkness and to use it as just another hard rock on my journey forward.

My next blog will be:   Out-sized Inferiority Complex

William Defoe

I am thankful for my spiritual life which is influenced strongly by my Catholic faith.

I am quite devoted to the rosary because in reciting the repetitive structure of this beautiful prayer I am able to either contemplate (pray for) on one thing or offer up various prayers for my family, the sick, the dying, the lonely, an end to poverty and war etc.

Last week I had a call from my brother, who knows the truth about my sexuality.

I appreciate his care for me, but sometimes wish that I could meet up with him more often that our respective diaries allow.

We had a long conversation about the summer, our jobs and then he asked me how I was going on (meaning how was I going on with my mental health problems)

I explained that I had been reading “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer (which is referred to in earlier blogs – see Alvor) and how the Quaker influence of silence enabled me to connect to my inner teacher which had resonated strongly with me.

He ended the call by telling me that he thought I was doing great and then he said “I’ll pray for you”

I respect his prayers for me and I do believe that they are helping me to accept myself in the fullness of my truth, but I could not help myself thinking as the call ended, of how, if he had offered to go with me for a few drinks, as well, this would have answered my prayers.

You see, faith goes hand in hand with action because God cannot do it all on His own.

My next blog will be:     Torrid Day

William Defoe

In the film “Philomena”, Judy Dench plays the title role about a woman whose son was forcibly adopted against her wishes 50 years earlier by nuns.

Philomena says something which has grabbed my attention, as things do when like me, you are in tune with things that talk to your inner voice.

She says:-

“I don’t know which was the greater sin”

1/ Having the baby out of wedlock, or

2/ keeping his existence a secret for all these years

Philomena has lived her life with this dilemma – Do I keep the fact that I had a child fifty years ago a secret or do I tell my family that I had a child and I have kept his existence a secret all these years.

These questions going round and round in her head for years without knowing which way to turn.

This is the part that touches my own story of not feeling able to bring forward and explain my truth to my family in respect of my sexuality.

So many years have gone by and to announce it now risks creating the potential for rejection, ridicule and perhaps anger.

It also creates the potential for healing, growth, acceptance and love and therefore I will continue to strive for the time when I can display the same courage as Philomena.

What I am clear about though is this. Philomena was not in a state of sin for fifty years so neither of her dilemmas can have the accolade of being the greater sin because that belongs to the nuns who sold her son to a family abroad against her will.

My next blog will be:  “I’ll say a prayer for you”

William Defoe

I was told recently that my brother-in-law asked his mother-in-law (my mother) if she was happy whilst on holiday with her this summer.

My mother, I am told answered that she was happy, thank you,

My brother-in-law said to her “Well, if that is the case, will you tell your face that”

This may seem harsh to a reader looking at this without understanding the two people involved, but as I am naturally acquainted with both of these relatives, and their respective sense of humour, I can assure you that this was a very amusing exchange between them.

What interested me about the exchange, which I reflected upon after hearing it, is our own capacity to keep things hidden from our expression, sometimes suppressing a giggle, but more often suppressing a tear.

My life has involved shielding my truth from the world and although in recent years I have been able to explain my truth, in respect of my sexuality, to my wife and close family members, there are times when I feel very anguished in my isolation and fear and yet on the surface  – the face I present to the world each day is happy and jovial.

I know that wearing a smile does not necessarily mean that I am happy, but someone taking the time to ask the question “Are you happy?” might be just the prompt I need to drop the mask and tell the truth about the pain beneath.

Are you ready to do the same?

My next blog will be:  Which is the greater sin?

William Defoe

I have noticed recently that I do not particularly enjoy being served.

If I am at a restaurant I have noticed this need within me to make sure that I put the waiter at ease by being over polite, over attentive and over appreciative.

I think I do this to compensate in situations where I am with friends or family who treat the waiters as servants which is simply intolerable for me.

A couple of years ago we took some close friends to a local Indian Restaurant which me and my wife and children frequent very regularly – in fact, it is our favourite restaurant.

Our friends were quite dismissive to the staff and the evening was spoiled for both me and my wife and yet we managed to keep our feelings to ourselves.

The following week, we booked to go to the restaurant alone and explained how disappointed we were with the attitude of our friends who just seem to have a much looser regard for the people who provide a service to them.

I think the origins of my respectful approach to being served comes from the fact that it is in only relatively recent times that I have been able to afford to eat out on a regular basis and I still appreciate the luxury of being served.

It is a key aspect of my value system which I want to retain, as I transform by inner self, because a pre-requisite to loving self is an ability to be loving and respecting of others too.

My next blog will be:   Are you happy?

William Defoe

Katharine Worsley is Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Kent. She married Edward, Duke of Kent in 1961 and has three grown up children and numerous grandchildren.

The Duchess of Kent suffered the loss of a still born child in 1977 and has acknowledged publicly a period of severe depression which followed that sad event in her life.

She has come to my attention recently as someone who appears to have used her great inner strength and fortitude to forge a path in her later life which is both surprising and courageous and which has all the hall marks of a person that has responded to the call of her inner voice and found a way to respond.

Here are a few examples:-

• The Duchess asked the Queen for permission to become a Roman Catholic and converted to the faith in 1994 with HM Queen’s blessing.
• The Duchess asked the Queen for permission to divorce her husband, a request which was not granted and the marriage continues but the couple have lived separately for many years.
• The Duchess appears with her husband at state events from time to time and is understood to have become closer to him once again in recent years after he suffered a stroke.
• The Duchess gave up many of her Royal Duties (which were many) and became a school teacher of music at a state school in Hull, Yorkshire for thirteen years.
• The Duchess was known by the children as Mrs Kent.
• The Duchess has promoted a charity called “Future Talent” which provides financial support to those from poorer backgrounds with talent to fulfill their musical potential.

I’ve always had a deep respect for her, she radiates loveliness, and she has been a loyal and faithful support to the Royal Family throughout what appears to have been years of challenges in her marriage and personal life.

I feel inspired by her example of quiet loyalty on the one hand, and her response to her inner teacher on the other, to fulfill her potential in her own unique way.

My next blog will be:   Being Served

William Defoe

On the last day of my recent holiday I mentioned to my wife that the young girl who came round each day to collect the sunbed fee had not collected it from me today.

There was an element of me which thought, their loss, but I knew that would not do and so I said to my wife “what shall I do?”

Her reply: “Go over and pay it of course!”

We went over, but the young girl had left and in her place was a young life guard who took my money and said he would make sure that he gave it to her tomorrow.

As I walked away, I felt quite agitated and I said to my wife “that young lad will not give that money to her tomorrow, I am quite sure of it”

My wife says, “what is it to you, if he does or he does not pay it over we have been honest?”

“well I feel like I’ve been ripped off”, I said

To which she replies “we have had a service and we have paid for that service – we have done the right thing and that is an end to it – whether he pays it over or not is down to him and his conscience not ours”

Her response reminded me of Luke v 9, 10: in which Jesus says:-

“Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not. So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do“

It’s hard being married to a saint and a protestant one at that!

My next blog will be:   Katharine Worsley

William Defoe