I have noticed that whenever my life in the present shifts into shadow, my inner seam of pain seems to open up inside of me from which are revealed snippets of my story which I have buried.

This week, during my torrid day (see earlier blog topic), I heard my mother saying to me “I don’t know why, but you have an out-sized inferiority complex.”

I did not know why my inner teacher wanted to reveal those words to me whilst I was in the midst of my suffering earlier this week, but I have taken some time to examine what they actually mean.

An inferiority complex is a lack of self-worth, a doubt and uncertainty, and feelings of not measuring up to standards.

It is often subconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme asocial behavior. 

An inferiority complex occurs when the feelings of inferiority are intensified in the individual through discouragement or failure. 

Children reared in households who were constantly criticized or did not live up to parents’ expectations may also develop this.

My mother said I had an out-sized inferiority complex to me particularly in my late teens when I recall having many angry episodes which I think were a response to my sense of anxiety and uncertainty and feeling ill-equipped to deal with the demands of the world.

My mother was not being unkind. She cared deeply for me but I think she was exasperated with what she saw as my lack of confidence, but in truth she was not equipped to deal with the causes or to explore with me the source of my troubles – I doubt that I would have engaged with her even if she had tried.

These words emerged from my tormented inner voice earlier this week because I think that my inner teacher wanted me to look back into the origins of my fear and isolation and to acknowledge just how far I have come, singlehandedly  for many years and recently through a greater openness to my truth supported by Integral Coaching.

I think I have experienced feelings of inferiority over the years both within my family and outside of it, however, I am quite sure that I do not have feelings of inferiority now.

I am at a place, in the present moment, where I need to work out just how far I am prepared to go to end my isolation and fear and to prepare myself for the impact of my choices on those whom I love.

My next blog will be:   Cold behind the arms

William Defoe