I have noticed that I am adjusting to living with elements of disappointment in my life, and that this acceptance of living with disappointment, is a vast improvement on living each day with a sense of having been a failure.

I have lived a substantial part of my adult life, and adolescent life before it, feeling that I had failed.

I have come to recognise through the my development with a coach, that a continued sense of failure is a judgement on self which is harsh, unfair, unbalanced, and in my case a potential threat to my stability within my family and community.

I can recognise the times in my life when I have experienced failure in its proper context, perhaps a job interview or an exam, but these are better classified as a stepping stone to future success next time round, or success in an alternative at a later time – failure and success are true indicators of living in a life of light and shade, in the present.

The sense of disappointment is, for me, a very important sign of my shift from darkness to light. This sense of disappointment is a transient feeling in my life, but I am not defined by it.

I sense that my recent journey to reject failure and embrace disappointment is the important work of accepting self, and because my disappointment is not all encompassing, and is only applied to matters which I now recognise as being in matters outside my control, I am free to live in the present, without the harsh judge telling me that I have failed.

So, I am disappointed with how some things have turned out, well at least I tried – where is the failure in that?

My next blog will be: Past your Bedtime

William Defoe

Picture Credit: Ws Worried Young Man By The River Stock Footage Video | Getty Images 

www.gettyimages.com

I have recently acquired a new mobile phone following the end of my last contract and the start of a new one.

I like to personalize the screen-savers and usually in the past I have selected a favourite view of the sand and sea from one of our holidays.

As I finished downloading the apps I use, and transferring my contact list and some photos, I was inexplicably drawn to a photo of my wife and I decided to use her image, in that particular photo taken in Scotland last year, as my screen-saver.

“Well what is remarkable about that?” I ask myself

The decision feels important to me. To have her image so readily available to me, not in a pose at a posh event, but an image of her as she appears to me in the everyday of our marriage and the remarkable thing is that her presence in this place makes me feel safe.

My journey to being present, in recent years has had its troubles and difficulties for both of us in the situation in which we find ourselves.

We both are curious about our capacity to sustain our marriage in these circumstances, and for that she is not only my screen-saver, but my life-saver and I love her for it.

My next blog will be: Moving from Failure to Disappointment

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.simplyscreensavers.com

I have noticed, having had direction through coaching, that when I feel overwhelmed by my feelings and emotions, it is because my present moment is being compressed into the story of a single issue.

I have looked for ways in my daily routine, to make sure that I use my new found skills to contextualize my feelings in the present moment, by doing what I can to be expansive in my experience, in the present moment.

A couple of weeks ago, whilst away for a few days in Whitby, North Yorkshire, I attended the Saturday Vigil Mass at the local Catholic Church of St. Hilda’s in Whitby – a beautiful church building with a warm and welcoming group of parishioners.

This expansiveness of thought in relation to my visit, with my wife to that church is two fold:-

• Firstly, St Hilda is a northern saint, an abbess who lived in the 7th Century AD. Her very name evokes a deep concept of the past at a time when the christian faith was being established in England. [a thought of depth]

• Secondly, I have always sought out the local catholic church when I have been away on holiday. The rituals of the Mass are the same in every parish, so I have a feeling that I can participate equally with local parishioners, but more than that, I have a sense of the universal church in which the various parishes are in communion with a bishop who is in communion with the Bishop of Rome. [a thought of breadth]

I think any activity which encourages an expansiveness of thought away from a narrow focus, particularly if this is causing pain and anxiety, is good for soul.

After my weekend in beautiful Whitby, I can say that my soul feels refreshed and alive.

My next blog will be: Screensaver

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.genuki.org.uk

My daughter gave me a teddy bear recently.

I am 51 years old, and I accepted the gift with surprising warmth, as such an item had not featured on any wish list of mine that I can recall in recent years.

I haven’t given my new teddy bear a name, but I have strapped it into the middle seat of my car with the lap and diagonal seat belt so I obviously want to care for it!.

This gift has awoken in me, a childhood memory of the three teddy bears which I had as a child which are lost to my past, regrettably.

I had a traditional teddy bear which was blue which I called “Bluey” (the clue is in the name!), a knitted rabbit, which an aunt of mine knit for me as a baby, which I called “Long Ears” and a small elephant which I called “Dinky”

I have had this image in my head of them being with me in my bed and also lined up on my lap whilst dressed in my pyjamas and dressing gown as a young boy, as I watched television before bedtime.

These memories, which I thought were lost to me, have resurfaced in my life with a vibrancy and a wistfulness for my childhood and my innocence.

I am left with a feeling of gratitude to my parents for nurturing me as a child – I was a child – I was safe – I was loved and I loved my teddy bears.

In the present this wistfulness translates into gratitude to my parents for loving me as an adult – I am an adult – I am safe I am loved and …….. I love my new teddy bear !

Okay, Perhaps  I don’t love my new teddy bear just yet, but I’m increasingly fond of it day by day!.

Perhaps it deserves a name? Any ideas?

My next blog will be: St. Hilda of Whitby

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.zazzle.com

When I started out on my journey of self discovery three years ago, I remember thinking that autumn leaves were a metaphor for the things that have been shed from us so that I could move on in my life without fear.

This morning whilst running along the towpath of a beautiful canal I was reminded of my thoughts on autumn leaves and I noticed a shift in my thinking.

These leaves have fallen from the tree, but their stories are ongoing in the tree – they are part of the sap which gives sustenance and life to the tree.

Next years leaves will be nourished by this very same sap so that the new leaves are vibrant and strong from Spring through to Autumn.

The thought that struck me is that the sap is a liquid – it has fluidity, the story of the old leaves informs the new but this story is pliable not solid.

So in my life, the things that I have wanted to let go of, have been dropped, but they are in my sap – it is up to me to create the new stories living in the present, informed by my past, for a happier future of light and shade.

My next blog will be: Teddy bears

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.howtocleanstuff.net

I was in my mid twenties, married with two children before I was able to afford to buy my first car.

Until that time from the age of 11 years, I had traveled on two buses to school and back and after leaving school two buses to work and back.

My memories of those journeys, particularly in winter, is one of dirty, unreliable services, heaving with passengers and a deafening noise.

Last week my car was in a local garage for a repair and I decided that I would go to work and back on a bus.

I found the experience to be fascinating because, the services were on time and quite busy – busier than I expected them to be, and also in the bus station where I had to wait for my second bus, seating was provided with hi-tech displays of times and delays.

It felt like I was going out to board an aircraft when the second bus arrived which would complete my journey.

The bus was a limited stop bus, so I asked nervously if the bus stopped at the top of “X” road – the jovial bus driver said that that he would stop the bus wherever I wanted to get off – “just ring the bell” he said.

As I sat on the bus, travelling at speed on new priority bus lanes, I felt quite nostalgic for the sights and sounds which I had not heard so long.

My assumptions of the service, based on old narratives was challenged and I was thrilled to accept an updated view of bus travel – clean, reliable, polite, technical. safe.

I am using my new learning to challenge some of the old narratives that go on in my head, so there is a lot to be said for – bus nostalgia! 

My next blog will be: Sap

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.nostalgiatravel.co.uk

It is three years ago, this weekend since I had what I can only describe, as a meltdown, in which all reasonableness in my behaviour towards those whom I love most, seemed to evaporate.

Over the last three years, I have been on a continual and never ending journey of self discovery and self acceptance and I am learning to love myself and all aspects of my truth in a new way, which is outwardly facing but inwardly focused.

In recent weeks, I have noticed that my normal pattern of light and shade (which is something I accept) has been quite irrational, drift-like, undisciplined and a tad unreasonable and once I got onto it, I was determined to look at it, and get under it.

I have been quite busy, routinely busy at work but also quite stressed amidst an unusually high social life with celebrations and events for all manner of occasions seeming to come along with a pace one after the other, which I have found hard to keep up with.

I noticed, in my inner dialogue, that I needed to find space for a longer than usual period of quiet reflection.

In this moment, the silence around me was broken by a head breaking noise, as all the issues, longings, demands, judgments and anger with self, found a voice in that space.

It was hard to hear it all in the silence which surrounded it, so I just sat there and let them go for it.

I had a moment of tearful joy as the noisy silence moment passed, I stood up, brushed myself down and congratulated myself for having taken steps to avoid another meltdown.

My next blog will be: Bus Nostalgia

William Defoe

Picture credit: http://www.deviantart.com

Throughout my life, I have always had a sense of self, which has shown up in my inner life as not quite being a proper man.

My lack of sporting prowess and my hidden sexuality are two of the factors contributing significantly to this self assessment

In one area of my life, I am confident that I do show up as being a proper man!

I currently have man flu and I am desperately short of receiving the sympathy and the care that I need.

In denial of these services, and in battling through the adversity of this severe difficulty in my life at the current time, I am inwardly rejoicing at feeling that I have become (at least for a short while):

…. a proper man!

Achoo!

My next blog will be: Noisy Silence

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.wanna-joke.com

The mother of a friend of mine has moved into a care home recently after quite a few months of illness.

I asked her how her mother was getting on in her new home and it was nice to hear that she was settled and happy and that her apprehensions over the summer had been overcome.

My friend said to me, “…. and she has got a new friend and they play dominoes together”

She continues “….it is quite comical to watch them because my mother can’t see very well so the other lady calls out the number of dots and the new friend can’t pick the dominoes up so my mother puts them down for her”

The learning I have taken from this is that to be truly resilient we need to apply the skills we have, and then reach out for the help we need, from the world around us.

Thinking I have to do it all myself in the past has led me to periods of isolation and fear.

How inspiring to hear that two elderly ladies in a care home have found a way to connect the dots and have a game of dominoes and in hearing their tale of fortitude, I have felt reinvigorated in my own acknowledgement of my own skills and my need for help.

My next blog will be: Man Flu

William Defoe

Picture Credit: http://www.weknowyourdreams.com

How often do we see people, perhaps on a daily basis without really seeing them?.

We perhaps are unable to see past what is revealed to us by others, but we may sense that behind what we are presented with, there is something going on in peoples lives which is much deeper and hidden.

How do we access this deeper humanity?

Or perhaps, I should ask, how do we go about revealing our own deeper selves?

I for one, have not found it easy to be open about my hidden truth.

In recent years, after many years of suppressing my truth, I have worked within myself to find a deeper love, a deeper compassion for myself so that I feel much closer to being able to reveal my truth, if it is sought from me, in a safe way.

I very much love a line in the 2009 James Cameron film, Avatar, when Neytiri (a beautiful Na’vi woman) tells Jake Sully (an avatar – a man-made na’vi) – “I See You” 

She sees in him his bravery, fearlessness and commitment to her people and their values and systems of living, deeply connected to spirits of past na’vi and she is able to reciprocate his love for her, with her love for him.

This connection between them, was revealed through his efforts, to convince her of his truth, not in words, but in acts of bravery and respect.

I sometimes feel that I am not really fully visible in my truth and it causes me, from time to time, unbearable pain and deep anxiety.

I am asking myself, what I can do to be more open to the opportunities of being seen in safety (without judgement) so that if I happen on the words from another – “I See You” – “I respect your truth” –  I will be in a position to say to them “I See You”

My next blog will be:  Dominoes

William Defoe

Picture credit: quotesgram.com