“We might have just gone and had one look at it, Ratty – only one look – it was close by – but you wouldn’t turn back, Ratty, you wouldn’t turn back! O dear, O dear.”

[Extract from Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame]

These words, taken from one of my favourite books, were said by Mole to his dear friend Rat, after Rat, pushing ahead to get home, ignored the pleas of Mole to stop and take a look at his old home.

I was reminded strongly of this particular passage last weekend, when having made a decision, following much reflection, to direct my development outwardly, I was able to be present with the pain and anguish of my wife in respect of some difficulties, the origins of which are firmly in the past.

Like Rat, I have in recent years, come to terms with my past suffering, and I have been reluctant to engage with it from the perspective of others.

In my current phase of development, like Ratty with Mole, I turned back and inquired of my wife what was causing her so much hurt.

I noticed how calm I was, as I asked her the question, sitting directly opposite her as her words of anguish about our current situation, brought about by a feeling that she had lacked my support during difficult phases of our children s upbringing were punctuated with intense emotion.

I held onto her arms and looked into her tear filled eyes and acknowledged her pain, I accepted its truth without trying to explain it or give my version of the events which she related, I just nodded and soothed to say that it was good that these feelings had at last surfaced between us in this way.

We held each other close, and we remained silent for a while, before making preparation to go out for the evening with friends.

I was not crushed by her feelings as I feared that I would be, I felt a deep compassion for her which I hope will never leave me.

Like Ratty and Mole, perhaps in being honest and open with our feelings, especially our feelings about the past, we will be able to move forward to a present which is filled with the promise of a more loving and supportive future.

My next blog will be: “You Must be Very Proud”

William Defoe

Late last week, I took a five hour drive to visit my coach, for a much look forward to visit.

On the long drive, I had an opportunity to think about the issues which are prevalent in my mind at this moment in time, having sent to her a written update the previous evening.

The motion in the car, and the physical and routine demands of driving, and the hum of the engine and flow of the traffic, provided me with driving momentum in my capacity to be in the present with those issues which came into my mind.

By the time I had arrived at my accommodation in the late evening, in advance of my coaching session the following day, I had arrived at some important conclusions on how I was going to act next in respect of a couple of family problems which have been very difficult in the last few weeks. 

I have been feeling hurt that my wife has not noticed the changes that are profound within me, and her inability to acknowledge that change has been making me question seriously whether our marriage could be sustained.

In the car, I thought about how my focus on self over the last three years had been an inward focus, designed to change the impulsive and destructive mode of response to problems which I had encountered in my life.

The narrative of my journey has been “I” and I pondered on my journey what it would be like if I was to change the word in future to “We”.

As I sat reading my journals and preparation notes in the evening, I came across the notes I had taken from a conversation with my coach which we had held in November, in which this concept of the “I” narrative of my development had been discussed.

I understood that the driving momentum had brought forth within me, a fuller understanding of the words which had lacked impact at the time I had wrote them down.

The intention to shift the emphasis of my journey, to an outward and empathetic narrative may just be the means by which my wife is able to see at last, the inward transformation which I so want her to share.

My next blog will be: Ratty and Mole

William Defoe

Here in the UK, a debate is steadily building momentum in respect of whether this country should remain in the European Union (EU).

Those wanting to leave the EU are said to be in favour or Brexit (British Exit).

There is a level of dis-satisfaction with the EU and its bureaucracy and dodgy politics, its extravagance and irrelevance, its interference and its compromises which I share and this tends me to lean towards voting to get out.

But then there is the familiarity, the decades of peace, the friendship, the investment, the inclusiveness and shared values and the risk of losing something bigger that the sum of its parts if the UK was to leave the EU.

This confusion in respect of whether I should support Brexit or not reminds me of the ongoing struggle I have with finding the will to make a change to the unfortunate and unhappy realities of some aspects of my life.

Has my same sex attraction, its suppression for many years, and now my admission of its truth to my wife three years ago, made my marriage unworkable?

Would all concerned be better served if the relationship was secured under new arrangements outside of being married?.

The answers to these questions feel to me like a momentous step – as we are being told with Brexit – a vote for a step into the dark, the unknown, the unfamiliar, a decision that the UK will come to regret.

However, it is also true that with  Brexit, it is quite possible that the release would be liberating, thrilling, a new start, the  dawn of new possibilities.

My head tells me to vote for Brexit, my heart tells me that the UK is better to remain in the EU.

My head tells me to break out of my marriage (sometimes); but my heart and my soul want me to recognise that I am part of something special, part of something wonderful, despite the problems, which is something worth holding onto, something worth fighting to keep.

My next blog will be : Driving Momentum

William Defoe

I have been to watch a couple of lower league football matches for the first time in my life.

I was struck by the enthusiasm of the small numbers of supporters for each team and the proximity of the seating areas to the pitch.

This grassroots football has an energy and a dynamic which surprised me and I think, on reflection, that it was because supporters were able to interact with players by calling out in support of them.

The banter between opposing fans was in the most part, friendly, personal, witty and honest made me feel a deep connection to the intensity and desire for their humble teams to succeed.

The sounds were not lost in the roar of a full capacity stadium, at grassroots, you could see and hear the breath of the players, hear the appeals for the ball, sense the energy and the effort and the fatigue which the players were experiencing towards the end of the game.

This grassroots football  reminded me of what it is like to connect with, and be a part of, something bigger than self.

I had a sense of self, being in full connection with the space occupied by the supporters in the terraces, and also the players on the pitch, and the staff in the kiosks and turnstiles.

I found it helpful to connect with a new experience, to be reminded that I am connected to the environment I occupy, not in isolation, but in a sequence of individuals who  share a passion for grassroots football, who share a passion for living, who share a passion for celebrating success and if necessary, supporting each other in defeat.

My next blog will be: Brexit

William Defoe

“I don’t know if we each have a destiny or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze but I think maybe it is both – both happening at the same time.” Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks)

Throughout my life, I have experienced periods of conflict.

In recent years, I have been drawn to new ways of thinking, and one of the ways I experience the deepest healing is when I come across phrases which speak of opposing positions which have found a way to co-exist side by side.

Conflict…… my inner conflict, was as a result of lacking the capacity to think expansively, and of being too reactive to a narrow view of the world, seen through a prism of conditioning rather than my truth.

Expansive thought has enabled me to grow in appreciation for light and shade, noise and solitude, laughter and tears, hope and despair and to welcome these feelings into my soul with an acceptance of what is possible, even in the same moment and yet, even then having room to breathe.

When Forrest Gump alluded to his view that destiny and floating around were happening to him both at the same time, he had arrived at that understanding through the experience of losing his wife, but at the same time experiencing intense joy of nurturing his young son.

I too have experienced my life through a prism that my birth-right bestowed on me a certain kind of destiny and that anything which I experienced which was in conflict with this expectation hurt me and as a result I caused pain to those around me.

I have experienced growth in recent years, because I have been able to allow my truth to float around and speak itself to me and to be heard and acknowledged and loved.

At the current time, but quite possibly subject to an adjustment in the future, my destiny has remained pretty much intact because it is also my truth, but in allowing myself to embrace and love both, I have liberated myself from despair to hope.

My next blog will be: Grassroots

William Defoe.

I have been asking self:-

• when will all my efforts to change be noticed by those whom I love?
• when will I feel forgiven for the errors I have made in the past?

I have had answers to these questions for quite some time but I have fallen into a perpetual habit of “efforting” to develop and change and to keep proving to self that the changes I have made are permanent.

They are not permanent, and it is well that this is so, because permanence points to a fixed place from which the journey onward has lost its capacity to contract and grow.

I am about to attend my next face to face coaching session later this week and I am looking forward to discussing a concept of the arc of time with my coach which we discussed briefly quite recently.

This is an opportunity for me to point into my development as a cycle, a rhythm of life which is less focused on the effort, and the anxious need for affirmation, but more about an undulating journey on which I learn to appreciate that the arc of time brings gifts and healing and hope.

I feel tired, exhausted after over three years of intense focus on self which has laid me wide open to the new and wonderful opportunities of living my life in the present.

I am in need of rest, so that I can enjoy the fruits of my efforts without worrying whether I have done enough or whether those who love me think I have.

My next blog will be: Destiny or Floating Around

William Defoe

I have a soft spot for all things French.

The French language, spoken or sung, is very beautiful and to be compared to nectar,  a poetry on the ears, exquisite!.

As I drove home tonight, I listened to a song in French called “Je Chante”  by Charles Trenet which is a track which featured on the soundtrack of the film  “A Good Year”

At the time of listening, I could not recall what the meaning of “Je Chante” was, but it means “I Sing”

What struck me most of all whilst listening to the song, was the idea of enjoying something which I do not fully understand.

I had a sense of feeling that it is good to appreciate and accept the knowledge I have and not to be unduly worried at the gaps which limit my full understanding in the present.

It was enough for me to know, that I was enjoying the sentiment in this lively song, clearly enhanced by the melody, and that my lack of understanding was not a barrier to an experience of pleasure and a feeling of intense joy.

As it said in the song:-

“Je suis heureux” 

“I am happy”

My next blog will be: The Significance of Thorns

William Defoe

Of course, I could Google the title of the song and get the English translation, but I have no intention of doing so.

It was sufficient for me to connect strongly to the French words, and the French audience whom I am sure, would have understood the song, and that is enough for me to know.

I can’t know everything, but I can appreciate that others somewhere do know the bits I don’t and

I am currently experiencing a very busy period at work with multiple “important” deadlines to deliver.

I caveat the word “important” because my job involves financial information, which is business critical, but not a matter of life or death!.

I have been able to learn, over the years, how I best meet the important tasks so that they are delivered on time, and although, I work hard, I manage to maintain a good work life balance for most of the time.

I have noticed recently, how colleagues of mine, who appear to me to be struggling to deliver their objectives, tell me how they work long hours, work from home in an evening and / or at weekends and curtail holidays.

This seems to me be a recipe for failure, because it could be a symptom of bad planning, poor prioritization, poor delegation and poor communication.

I have learned, that I am always under a certain amount of pressure at work, and that is what comes with the role and responsibilities I carry and it’s effect is motivational,  but if I find that I cannot sleep because of work related anxiety, my thoughts turn to “who else” rather than “when else”

Late last week, I had to work from home most of the evening. My inner voice (critic) is telling me throughout that this is a symptom of failure.

My response to that voice was that, my opinions are a guide, not a straight-jacket, and that in this instance delivery depended on being flexible until I could put in place the support I needed from my team to deliver.

My next blog will be: French Song

William Defoe

I have been fascinated by the various ways in which my mind encourages me to make excuses in an effort to detract me from the goals I have chosen to pursue.

With my choice to run each morning for thirty minutes before work I seem to be constantly managing excuses which start even before I get out of bed – sometimes even before I get into bed the night before!

As follows:-

• I think you night be coming down with a cold
• The forecast is for ground frost tomorrow
• It was really cold yesterday
• You might slip and fall
• Its dark down that track at this time of year
• You’ve been twice this week already, have a day off
• You’ve had an offer of sex – no brainer!
• Have a lie in
• Will you be at that meeting on time
• Its cold
• I’m tired
• You were late to bed last night
• etc etc etc

There are occasions when I will succumb to an excuse and I will decide not to run, but these are rare occurrences for me.

One of my goals has been to embed and change my behaviour and in order for me to do this I have had to make those changes a routine, not an option.

At this time of year, in the dark and cold each morning it is quite hard to remain focused, but my running is for me an important meeting of two halves of self.

On the one hand, my need to feel the strength of my body increase and to overcome the tired muscles and heavy legs and freezing fingers and thumbs which are present in the early stages of my run.

These discomforts are offset half way through the run, with a warming up and a motion which allows me to be with my soul – to pay attention to my emotional needs which are in tune, for that brief time, with the motion of my body.

So, no excuses!

My next blog will be: The Effort Behind Delivery

William Defoe