Last Friday evening I went to see an amateur production of “Fiddler on the Roof”.

I was drawn to the theme of the importance of tradition, particularly within religious communities.

The daughters of Tevye (a hard working, but poor Jewish milkman), in their turn seem to spurn the tradition within the community that it is the matchmaker who arranges a marriage, and the father who accepts the arrangement.

His first daughter, has secretly planned to marry a tailor and pleads with her father to retract his promise for her to marry the butcher. Tevye loves his daughter and compromises his view of tradition to accept his daughters plea.

His second daughter falls in love with a revolutionary, and he tells Tevye that they are to be married. Tevye loves his daughter and compromises his view of tradition and gives his permission for the marriage despite not having being asked for it.

His third daughter falls in love with an Orthodox Christian and this situation creates such conflict with his view of tradition, that Tevye cannot accept it, however, as the family prepare to leave their village, forced out by ethnic hatred, he utters a blessing “God be with you” to his estranged daughter.

I was moved by the conflict which tradition can bring between the generations and particularly moved by the example of this poor faithful man to put love above tradition.

The choices which my own adult children have made, have come at a price which for a long time, I could not accept, but which I have learned through coaching and quiet reflection and prayer to accept.

My mother said to me when she heard that my daughter had chosen to live with a man rather than to marry what I thought of the situation – in other words, what was I going to do about it?

I turned to her and I told her “I am going to accept it, because to reject it would be to risk alienating my relationship with my daughter and drive a wedge between us.

So, Tevye, like me respects tradition, but is prepared to put love above all else.

My next blog will be : Hymn Book

William Defoe

I’ve been giving some thought, in response to a recent comment on my post “Problem Solving” from a very much appreciated supporter of my journey to know and love self.

Here is a scenario which has played out in my life recently.

X is very enjoyable and good for me, but it involves and requires the tacit support and inclusion of another person.

Y is also enjoyable, it has a very similar outcome to X, and it does not have the tacit support of another person or the inclusion of another person.

Z is me, accepting who I am and looking for ways to be present in the world, less isolated and fearful.

In recent months, gaining the support of another person for X has been complicated and difficult.

It has been easier to reach for the solution called Y, but this has had a very destructive effect on my well-being, and it has become a problem which has caused me to feel unhappy, with low moods and ashamed.

The person who needs to help me with X is very aware of Y and feels hurt at this substitute solution, which although I acknowledge its existence, I will not give a running commentary.

In recent weeks, I began to feel that it would be easier to give up on X and accept Y as being a reflection of being Z, but this potential solution was unlikely to provide any sense of lasting happiness, unless I made a decision to leave all possibility of X behind me for good.

In a very lucid moment in my life, after weeks of reflection I came to a resolution to invest all my energy in exclusively pursuing X.

This, is on the face of it, is a much harder choice to make, but ultimately this course of action keeps me close to another person, and in place of sorrow and despair with Y, there is a sense of hope and fulfillment and an end to isolation and fear.

This choice, means that there is a risk that Z, the person I am, is not fully integrated into the solution of X, so in the absence of Y, I was concerned that I would not be able to sustain my chosen course of action.

I decided to consult the other person involved in X  and I explained the reason I had chosen X and how it was my intention to fulfill my sense of  self as Z in other less destructive ways  – softer, less intense ways which, through the expansion of my capacity to be all I want to be in the world, does not come at the expense of my happiness or any other person connected with me.

So, this blog is saying, I have chosen a tougher course in X, which needs the love and support of another who understands the choice I have made in giving up destructive Y, and in the solution I have not lost my identity as Z.

My next blog will be: Tradition

William Defoe

Whilst out jogging a few weeks ago, in the early morning darkness before day break, I became alert to the presence of a strong parfum as a woman walked passed me in the opposite direction.

I could not see her, in the morning twilight, but her strong parfum drifted on ahead of me for quite sometime alerting me to her presence in the world.

I am intrigued by how all our senses connect us to our inner and outer life.

I am not an island, I am connected, and I am connected through all my senses to others.

I am embarrassed to think that the woman passing by me with her strong parfum, whilst I was running, was possibly alerted to the less pleasant strong parfum of my bodily sweat as I ran passed her.

This image in my mind of being able to leave a scent, which is so important in the animal world, makes me appreciate my sense of smell, because at a very basic level it is a sense of utter truth and at an intellectual level, my sense of smell is romantic and creative.

The knowledge that we leave our mark on the world as we pass through is important in a whole life sense, because it helps to give a purpose to our existence and the causes we involve ourselves in during our life.

The knowledge that we leave our mark on the world as we pass through, is important in a present sense, because it helps us to consider, in the moment or in reflective practice, the  impact of our actions on those who come into daily contact with us.

My next blog will be:  X and Y and Z

William Defoe

Earlier this week, South African Springbok legend, Joost van der Westhuizen died aged just 45, after suffering with motor neuron disease.

In an interview before he died, he talked about his sense of peace and calm, despite the ordeal of his mind and body and that his life would soon end.

I was moved deeply by his comment that it was not until his diagnosis was given that he became conscious of the important concepts of health and time.

He said most of us go through our life without noticing and valuing the importance of health and time.

I have interpreted his words to mean that I should be aware of my health and time in the present moment.

I have an expectation to live a longer than average life by world standards, and I am fortunate to have good access to healthcare whenever I have need of it, however it is not for me about how many years I have left of life, it is that I live it and that I live it well.

To live my life well, is to invest my efforts in aspects of my life which are important to me.

I have been asking myself “What is important?”

Despite my gay sexuality, and despite the difficulties I have experienced and caused; my wife and our marriage are the most important aspect of my life.

I have been working hard to save it and it has been touch and go. I cannot take it for granted that we will succeed where others have not.

I have to invest my health and time today and everyday in cultivating a lasting bond which has endured for thirty years already, but which has been under pressure in recent years.

I want to be a good father and to do this I need to be accessible, loving, and supportive by giving my adult children my health and time whilst respecting their life choices and giving them space to be what they need to be.

I want to be a good grandfather if the time comes.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of physical health, running and walking.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of mental health, blogging, talking, listening, silence, coaching, being coached, praying, reading, learning, studying, resting, sleeping.

I want to use my work to support my life, not my life to support my work. This means I want to give my best to my work when I am working, and make sure that I am bringing my talents, developing my knowledge and skills, admitting when I am wrong or when I do not know the answer.

I send the family of Joost van der Westhuizen my deep respect and prayers at this time. May he rest in peace.

My next blog will be: It’s My Life

William Defoe

In Matthew 5:13-16, Jesus tells his disciples:

“You are the salt of the earth”

and later He tells them:

“You are the light of the world”

I have been reflecting of these words, which were read out in Mass last Sunday; and which were further explained in the sermon given by my parish priest.

Salt when sprinkled on food brings out the flavours in the food, but never is salt a food which would be consumed on its own.

Light illuminates our path, but pointless it would be to switch on a light and close the door on its brightness.

This idea of salt and light as bringing enhanced taste and illumination onto my life and those around me have struck a chord within me.

The element of salt represents my  inherent skills, innate and learned; and the element of light represents how I bring these skills to the world.

Salt unused in the salt-cellar will eventually lose its taste and a light under a tub is of no use whatsoever.

The learning for me from this passage of scripture, and the words spoken by my priest, are that to be in the world is to be in the act of creating it; to be in the world is to illuminate it; to be in the world is to interact with others.

This being in the world, comes at a price, because being yourself may attract intentional / unintentional supporters and detractors and a sense within of relevance and irrelevance.

Finding the courage to bring forth our salt and light, despite the feelings we may carry of inadequacy, or despite the fear of being rejected and ridiculed or ignored, is to bring forth the very essence of our being, the very essence of our values; the very essence of our heart and soul.

My next blog will be: Health and Time

William Defoe

On a recent journey through a nearby major city, my car radio continually lost signal as I drove under, and emerged from, a series of tunnels.

I noticed that if the song I was listening to was familiar to me, I could imagine the parts I was missing during the lost signal and try to see if my imagination of the music was in sync with the actual music when the song re-emerged as I drove out of each underpass.

Of course, if a conversation was being held, I lost connection momentarily with what was being said, but I did not lose touch with my ability to think and process what I had been listening to, before I lost signal.

There have been many times in my life when I have lost signal with those around me, not because of a physical barrier of concrete and steel, but because of my own emotional barrier which has blocked out my capacity to hear/to listen;  and blocked out my capacity to speak/ to be heard.

The lost signal to my car radio in the underpasses, has taught me that despite the physical barrier of the concrete underpass and the lost connection, the radio was still transmitting and I was still in connection with it because my mind was active and alert throughout.

The movement of the car drove me to a re-connection of the signal and my senses, but in the world I inhabit, when I am maintaining my own metaphorical lost signal, I have to rely on my own capacity to recognise that I am suffering, and work my way back through reasoning and through courage to a place of community and safety and love.

My next blog will be: Salt and Light

William Defoe

The person in front of me in the line has a right to his / her service before me.

The person behind me in the queue will have to wait until my needs have been served.

I have noticed that in most instances, perhaps with the exception of an emergency, or the social ignorance of another, my place in the queue is determined by the time of my arrival and not by any other quality which I or other people in the line possess.

It feels a bit like absolute equality, but in reality it isn’t equal because I still may have to wait longer in the line than others have done before me.

Last week at the end of a conference, the organizers had arranged lunch for the delegates in which two queues formed which gravitated towards two sides of one long table.

I had time to muse on my place in the queue, and as I stood there I realised how random our opportunities in this world seem to be.

For example, the queuing arrangements were not explained, they just emerged as I came out of the hall, and the queue I joined was longer than the one I would have joined had I come out of the doors from the hall.

The rules of queuing and my place in the queue seemed skewed by the fact that I would wait longer than those delegates joining the smaller queue at the other side of the table.

I was struck by how been in a queue allowed me to experience being content with how things are in the moment.

Being first, or being last didn’t matter, and if it had mattered I would have had to take an action to change my place in the queue (by joining the other smaller queue or pushing in further up  the line “because I had a train to catch  – I am sorry”etc).

In the situation I was in, even if I had heard that the food was in short supply, I would not have moved forward from my place.

I would have been more likely to withdraw altogether, but this attitude signifies in me a deep seated inferiority and deference to others, so that my needs should be subjugated to others, or perhaps my attitude signifies a deep seated kindness and compassion – probably both.

My place in the queue is a random clash with the universe, my attitude and my drive and my ambition to be the best I can, to be able to live my life in the moment, to be conscious of my value system isn’t random, it is inherent and the basis of my truth.

My next blog will be: Lost Signal

William Defoe

In recent weeks I have taken a Vitamin D supplement each day.

I have not been diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency, but I am over 50 years old and I often experience a heightened level of stress and anxiety during the days with less hours of sunlight in them.

The post-Christmas period is noticeably difficult for me, and despite the strategies I employ to make my life easier by keeping warm, sleeping more, running regularly and taking a few days holiday from work in late January, I still feel somewhat overburdened, lethargic and depressed.

I have not noticed a marked improvement in my mood since I started to take the Vitamin D supplement, but I feel a sense of having at least tried to do something to assist my mood for the sake of those around me.

I am a very active, outgoing, humorous and focused individual who to a large extent, suppresses how I feel whilst I am at work or with friends.

I struggle to maintain the same discipline when I am at home, and I  think that despite how I have been feeling,  I have managed my moods at home a lot better than in previous years.

Increasingly I am trying to see myself from the perspective of my wife and other family members whom I love, and I want to do better, I want to feel safe, I want them to feel safe in my company.

Last year, at this time I took a few days off work and I made it very clear that these days were going to be an opportunity for me to rest. My attitude and demeanor attracted resistance and discourse.

This year, I took a few days off work and I made it quite clear that I wanted to get through as many home-related tasks as possible over the weekend so that I could spend some of my time relaxing the following week.

I then spent a day with my elderly parents.

The following day, I asked my wife to join me for lunch and go for a walk with me.

On the last day of my short break I discussed with my wife the prospect of me not been at home when she returned from work at lunchtime as I intended to go for a longer walk alone. Not a problem to her at all – all harmonious and calm

When she had gone to work, I missed her.

I contacted her by text, and I said I would like to go for lunch and walk again with her in the afternoon as we had done yesterday, and to facilitate this I ironed and prepared the evening meal.

Perhaps here is the evidence I am looking for of the impact of the Vitamin D in my life.

My next blog will be : My place in the queue

William Defoe

I have become aware again recently, that I am currently in a mode of problem solving and I want to get out of this reality as quickly as possible.

I have this tendency to listen to the concerns of others, particularly those of my wife and my adult children, and sense within me an almost immediate need to sort out their troubles.

I have noticed that I go into this mode of operating when I am stressed myself.

It is as if I need those who are close to me, to be alert and resilient to my needs and therefore any issues that they are experiencing themselves will distract them from the more complex needs that are my own.

In short, it is a crazy notion which causes me to feel further alienated when I most need to feel close to those whom I love.

In talking through these issues with my coach, I picked up on a new way to respond to the needs of others, by feeling into their world emotionally, rather than trying to solve the problem.

This act of listening, being silent, being present so that the issues are spoken and heard but not consigned to a quick response to get them out of the way, seems like the way to go forward for me just now.

I sense within me that this new approach to problem solving in the lives of others, will create a space for me to speak, so that despite the stress, despite the anxiety, despite the mood swings, I can sense the real presence of the understanding and care of others in my life.

So, the new approach to problem solving is to listen, to connect emotionally and to quit giving advice.

My next blog will be: Vitamin D

William Defoe

I have spent the last few days at home.

It has been an opportunity for me to take a hard look at what is going on in my life at this time.

I have been unhappy; I have been angry; I have been tired; I have been worried; I have been agitated; I have been disappointed; but why?

I have been overstretched.

Last weekend I had a list of “jobs” in and around the home which needed doing.

I did them, and I crossed each one off in their turn.

I have spent my time this week, running, writing, reading, painting, walking, visiting my parents, watching TV, being coached and yet I have felt an underlying anxiety and strain.

I have noticed that being overstretched is a condition where the mind is not settled even when the body is relaxing or it is engaged in something leisurely or pleasurable.

Being overstretched is akin to burnout, it is a nervous exhaustion, which requires care, but moreover it requires patience and self love.

My coach (angel as she is to me)  by her participation in the great mystery which is my anxious life, enables me to draw breath, and focus on the here and now.

The very recognition of having been overstretched – the very discovery in my mind of a word for how I am feeling,  has liberated me from the blind panic which I have experienced in my tortured soul these last few weeks.

I think that to overcome being overstretched, I have to submit to its truth, it feels like a kind of letting go, releasing the fear, releasing the addiction to false beliefs and false ways of coping which make the situation unbearable.

I feel a tad bit empty, as if the fullness has drained away from my life, but to be empty is to have the capacity to grow , but in growing, taking care that my cup is not filled to the brim so that I become again – overstretched.

My next blog will be: Problem Solving

William Defoe