I’ve been giving some thought, in response to a recent comment on my post “Problem Solving” from a very much appreciated supporter of my journey to know and love self.

Here is a scenario which has played out in my life recently.

X is very enjoyable and good for me, but it involves and requires the tacit support and inclusion of another person.

Y is also enjoyable, it has a very similar outcome to X, and it does not have the tacit support of another person or the inclusion of another person.

Z is me, accepting who I am and looking for ways to be present in the world, less isolated and fearful.

In recent months, gaining the support of another person for X has been complicated and difficult.

It has been easier to reach for the solution called Y, but this has had a very destructive effect on my well-being, and it has become a problem which has caused me to feel unhappy, with low moods and ashamed.

The person who needs to help me with X is very aware of Y and feels hurt at this substitute solution, which although I acknowledge its existence, I will not give a running commentary.

In recent weeks, I began to feel that it would be easier to give up on X and accept Y as being a reflection of being Z, but this potential solution was unlikely to provide any sense of lasting happiness, unless I made a decision to leave all possibility of X behind me for good.

In a very lucid moment in my life, after weeks of reflection I came to a resolution to invest all my energy in exclusively pursuing X.

This, is on the face of it, is a much harder choice to make, but ultimately this course of action keeps me close to another person, and in place of sorrow and despair with Y, there is a sense of hope and fulfillment and an end to isolation and fear.

This choice, means that there is a risk that Z, the person I am, is not fully integrated into the solution of X, so in the absence of Y, I was concerned that I would not be able to sustain my chosen course of action.

I decided to consult the other person involved in X  and I explained the reason I had chosen X and how it was my intention to fulfill my sense of  self as Z in other less destructive ways  – softer, less intense ways which, through the expansion of my capacity to be all I want to be in the world, does not come at the expense of my happiness or any other person connected with me.

So, this blog is saying, I have chosen a tougher course in X, which needs the love and support of another who understands the choice I have made in giving up destructive Y, and in the solution I have not lost my identity as Z.

My next blog will be: Tradition

William Defoe