My daughter was laughing recently, as she recalled how a former boyfriend had called her, just before a planned date to tell her that he could no longer make it to the date because his fathers girlfriends cat had died.

Excuses!

I have been thinking about the times in which I have avoided a real or imagined outcome by making excuses to myself and others.

Excuses!

I have lived for long periods of my life thinking that if I communicate how I truly feel, I will lose something which is precious to me, perhaps my marriage or a relationship with my children or friends.

Excuses!

In recent years, through my development of self, I have created within me a space which allows me to bring more of my truth, and in some cases all of my truth to the key people in my life.

Excuses!

In 2012, after 25 years of marriage, I told my wife, whom I love, that I was in fact gay.

My inner narrative was that I could no longer live in a world of excuses and that she deserved to be told the truth, and that she would leave me.

Excuses!

The reality was that I had in fact created a space for dialogue, and because of my faithfulness to her throughout my years of struggle and isolation we moved together to a place of deeper understanding and compassion.

Excuses!

And perhaps, now, four years later the outcome would have been different, perhaps I might be separated or divorced, estranged from my children, perhaps lost some friends and gained some new ones – the mystery of all the what if’s we ask ourselves each day!

Excuses!

But I have come to appreciate that in order to move forward in my life, I had to end the excuses, and deal with the consequences in order for my soul to thrive.

No Excuses!

My next blog will be: Creating Space

William Defoe

As a child I noticed that friends and neighbours were defined as those whom were Catholic, like me,  and those whom were not.

I had a lot of Non-Catholic friends with whom I played on the street where I lived.

Ecumenism was in its infancy, and what it seemed to emphasize was the difference between us and the historic divisions which date back to the Reformation and Henry VIII.

Last week I attended a Mass (Catholic) in Ripon Cathedral (Anglican).

The welcome extended to our Bishop and Catholic faithful was warm and generous, and it felt to me like a privilege to be able to practice my faith in this historic and beautiful building which belongs to another Christian denomination.

It seems to me that there has been an Ecumenical Revolution in our country which seems to emphasize our shared heritage and faith in Jesus Christ.

On a world stage, world faiths of the monotheistic traditions work together and promote a common belief in one God and also to peoples of all faiths and none.

It seems to me that the gesture extended to my faith, to use the facilities of a sister faith, is more than a sharing of space, rather, it is a sharing of heart.

We must try to share what we have, respect our differences and celebrate our humanity which is the very essence of our faith or our non-faith view of the world which we share.

My next blog will be: I

William Defoe

If I was to assess the change, which I have undergone in recent years, I would say that I am a much quieter, less reactive individual.

I am comfortable being silent, even when I am in the company of others, and the nagging need to fill the silence with the sound of my own voice has been largely overcome.

If I eat a meal alone, which I often do, I will relax with my phone, looking at YouTube clips of comedians and politicians and religious leaders and the Royal Family and sporting moments which connect me to my interests.

However, if I am in the company of others whilst eating a meal, I consider it to be disrespectful to be engaged in phone gazing during the meal time.

In saying this, and having experienced at first hand, as a father of teenage children who have now reached adulthood, I can sympathise with parents who struggle to extricate their teenagers from their phones at meal time.

Whilst on holiday, one evening in Portugal, my wife and I went for a lovely meal to a Chinese restaurant.

On the table next to us, was a family, a mother and father with three children, all boys.

The parents and the older boy were all engrossed in their own mobile phones throughout their meal, whilst the younger boys aged approximately nine and seven, amused themselves.

I felt saddened by the scene.

I feel I am being judgmental in saying this, but in response to this observation, I say only that I have been there myself, in years gone by, for at least periods of time over a meal time.

I think in recent years the temptation to use our phones now they are an integral part of how we run our lives, has made their attraction and our addiction to them, even worse.

It seemed to me, that the parents were missing an opportunity to deepen their knowledge and love for each other and also for their children, but perhaps, for all I know, they had been fully engaged in occupying their sons on the beach throughout the day and now this was family chill time.

For me, meal time was a time to look into my wife’s eyes, hold her hands across the table, and connect with her at a deeper level, which gives our marriage, in the difficult reality of our situation, a better chance of  seeing us through to the end of our lives.

My next blog will be: Ecumenical Revolution

William Defoe

Early on Friday morning, I was over taken by another runner as I ran up a hill.

His presence was a surprise to me, and after a brief gesture of salute and a show of respect to each other as he passed by me on the outside, I felt strangely disappointed.

Of course, this was an appearance of the critic which quickly reminded me that the progress that I was making in terms of my commitment to running five mornings each week and the resulting improved fitness and weight loss was nothing that special at all.

Being acquainted with my inner critic, helped me listen closely for the voice within which reminded me that running was about pace not race.

I set out on my running each day to feel into a strong physical presence which through the exertion and effort, reminds me that my body holds all that is sacred within me, not my mind.

I have improved my pace over time, but I have never set out to win a race.

The man that passed me, whom I hardly saw, was most likely younger than me, or older and fitter – no matter which.

He may have been sprinting to the end of his run, whilst I was at the start of mine – no matter which.

I have had to learn that my life is about participating as fully as I can in any given moment, and that this connection with all things will fluctuate like the tides of the sea which ebbs and flows relentlessly.

My life is a mystery which I encounter with varying degrees of pace, not race!

My next blog will be: Meal Time

William Defoe.

The early mornings are darker now.

Yesterday, as I ran a less familiar route, I saw ahead of me, as I turned a corner, a black cat sat bolt upright on its haunches with its head turned towards me – such clarity and amazing detail!.

As I drew nearer, the shape I had seen, altered dramatically, and below me on the grass, where the cat had been, I saw only the edge of a street sign attached to a low square post.

How short-sighted of me that I should see a cat when there was no such thing in my view.

A short while later, I saw a woman stood by the edge of the pavement, holding a clutch bag to her waist, as if she was waiting for me to run past her.

As I drew nearer, the shape I had seen altered dramatically, and where the woman had been, I saw only the back of a car behind a white van with a distinctive rear light casement.

How short-sighted of me that I should see a woman clutching a bag, when there was no such thing in my view.

Good, that I was not driving a car at these moments, I mused!.

How often have I experienced things in my life where the reality is different to that which i have  imagined, the judgement so different to the intention?

How short-sighted it would be, if I did not first put on my glasses to get a clearer view, or allow time to get a little nearer before proclaiming my truth!

My next blog will be: Pace not Race

William Defoe

A profusion of white roses leans into the path near the front door of my house.

I adore them!

With each prune of the dead heads, a new abundance grows and amazes me with the generosity which a humble rose bush can bring to the world from a single stem.

As I brush past them each morning and night, doing my best not to knock into them, the morning dew, or the raindrops from last nights shower, dampens my shirt and leaves its colourless scent on me.

This abundance of giving, speaks to me of what it must be like to be generous, to be out in the world bringing all our gifts.

Of course, for me, and perhaps for you, the world does not always seem to be welcoming of my gifts, or interested in them, or noticing of them, but the profusion of roses outside my front door, which dampens my shirt, and catches my eye, calls to me to bring it all anyway.

My next blog will be: Short-sighted

William Defoe

I have a tendency, which I am very aware of nowadays, that I to want to have a sense of order in life.

The problem with this tendency is that life is not like that, and so what can I do to respond to my new found awareness that life and order are not always compatible?.

Whilst on holiday in Portugal last month, I became besotted with the unfinished spaces around the town and the beach.

The unfinished pavements, and, what I had initially described to myself as “wasteland” became for me the beautiful unfinished spaces which I would be sad to see developed.

This sense of unfinished spaces spoke to me, in my long spells of reflection, of how I too need to recognise and accept the unfinished spaces which call for my attention from the pools of self from deep within me, and not try to order them, but to love them.

Unfinished spaces speak strongly to me of work undone, time to come, space for which the ordered parts of my life can expand into, when the time comes.

Unfinished spaces signals a depth of hopefulness and satisfaction with how things are today without denying the opportunity for growth in the future.

On those unfinished pavements in Alvor, my feet would roll over the loose stones and propel me forward, but, rather than feel disconcerted by the uncertainty underfoot, I felt a sense of exhilaration and gratitude that the order which I have craved, has at last found peace and calm in the unfinished spaces of the life I am living today.

My next blog will be : Profusion

William Defoe

I take prescribed medication everyday to manage a kidney complaint which I have had for over thirty years.

The little tablet I take each day, controls my blood pressure and keeps my kidneys safe from further damage.

Many of you, I am sure, will be able to relate to this repeating practice of taking medication everyday to manage a medical condition.

I have been able, in recent years, to apply the same logic of repeating practices to keep me emotionally safe after many years of intense suffering as a result of living in isolation and fear  because of my inability to accept fundamental truths in respect of my identity.

My inability to reconcile the conflicted elements of my truth, created within me, a space for anxiety, stress, frustration, anger and paranoia which spilled out into so many elements of my life and with such a destructive force that there were times when I was unable to cope.

I live my life today, in the present moment, by repeating practices some of which are absolutely routine, whilst others I call upon for help in given situations.

The routine repeating practices which are most important to me are a work-life balance, established wake and sleep patterns, physical exercise; blogging; journaling; sitting in silence; mental discipline and community.

The less routine repeating practices involve me being able, in the moment, to stop for just enough time to stop a knee jerk reaction at times of provocation and increasingly being prepared to listen rather than speak in given situations.

I enjoy the wonderful support of a coach whose voice and eyes are in my head as I navigate the everyday happenings of my life which have been at the very heart of my liberation from my emotional suffering.

These repeating practices have brought from within me, a mental and physical and creative capacity which I would have thought previously I was incapable of.

These repeating practices have given me the capacity to be happy, inherently happy even at times for uncertainty and difficulty, because no problem or concern, no matter how big,  has the effect on me that would make it seem all-encompassing.

Repeating practices has provided me with the ability to put life’s challenges and difficulties into a context of a broader perspective which recognises that

I have a right to live,

I have a right to be happy,

I have a right to love and be loved,

I have a right to be, just be

……………and it feels wonderful!.

My next blog will be: Unfinished Spaces

William Defoe

Something grabbed my attention about Renee Zellweger’s (Bridget Jones) interview with Jonathan Ross, in which she told him that she had enjoyed the last six years of her life living below the radar of public consciousness.

She told him that she had been able to go out for coffee without being recognised and she had enjoyed authentic conversations in the street – “I liked that” she said.

This notion of authentic conversation struck a chord with me.

In Ms Zellweger’s case, I presume she was able to interact with the public without being recognised as a world famous actor and was therefore able to interact with the people she met, without the barrier of celebrity and all the restrictions that this status brings.

I, of course, perhaps like you, don’t have to worry about the status of celebrity, but how often, do I really bring what is with me into the public domain?.

In my case, a substantial part of my truth is hidden (i.e.the fact that I am gay), but I am learning that this does not necessarily mean that I have to suppress or deny the reality of this truth in my interactions at work and in general.

I have learned, through development, that I do not have to fear aspects of my truth being suspected or on view, however, like the actor, I do not have to confirm its existence – it is there to see, but not necessarily to be confirmed.

I have come to realise that the most basic authentic conversation does not start in the street, it starts with self.

If you love all of what is you, even the bits you are afraid to admit, the fear of this aspect being the focus of another persons opinion becomes significantly less diminished.

Authentic conversation has its origins in getting to know and love self, and from this place the outward manifestation of this self knowledge and self love, is an awareness and an ability to bring the full essence of self without fear of recrimination or rejection.

My next blog will be: Repeating Practices

William Defoe