In recent years I have developed an interest in watching small clips of speeches or comedy or movies on YouTube rather than sitting down to watch full length episodes of the news or a sitcom etc on the TV.

I have quite a catalogue of some of these small clips which I watch repeatedly because they either make me laugh over and over, or I am inspired by their brilliance or moved with emotion.

One of my all time favourites is a clip of comedian Johnny Vegas making appearance on a TV show (which I have never watched in full) called “The Last Leg” hosted by Adam Hills with regular contributions from Josh Widdecombe and Alex Brooker.

The small clip is taken while the host is trying to record the introductory credits, and he is interrupted by Johnny Vegas who unrelentingly, calls out random and hilarious anecdotes which has the panel and the audience in waves of laughter.

Eventually he gets onto a random theme about fish – carp to be specific, and he says some outrageous random anecdotes which keeps them all laughing wave upon wave – I love it.

The humour is quite adult in nature, but what fascinates me about this clip is how the shocking description of the carps experience is translated from the words spoken by Johnny Vegas, to a realisation in the mind of Alex Brooker of its intense humour.

I have watched over and over again how the words leave Johnny’s mouth and the impact is first seen in the flicker of Alex’s eyes, as the full impact and understanding of the humour hits his mind and then translates into uncontrollable movements of his body with shrieks of uncontrolled laughter.

I am interested in the point of intersection in the moment when laughter strikes, because it represents a turning point, an opening up of understanding between comedian and audience in which something as intangible as intelligence is visible and exposed to the naked eye.

This intersection of understanding is for me, an image of clarity which has the potential to liberate those areas in our psyche which are locked in.

They have allowed me to access, and then explore the hidden and suppressed truths which need to come to the surface and with courage released into the world.

It is in those moments, that something as intangible as truth becomes known and accepted and life moves forward without fear because it is finally free, it is finally honest, it is finally full of hope.

My next blog will be: “The Cost of Complaining”

William Defoe

There is a moment in the 1997 James Cameron film “Titanic” where the character played by Billy Zane is in a position to leave the sinking ship.

However, despite having this opportunity for his safety and self-preservation, he turns around to seek out and find his fiancee (the character played by Kate Winslet) and then he makes every effort to ensure that she is safely evacuated first, despite the relationship having broken down acrimoniously.

This moment of choice, which is real and present, is a representation of what it is like to have experience of life on the brink.

It is not the forward thinking, planning phase of change, it is the real and present implementation of it, the point of no return, from which life is changed for the better or the worst or perhaps both.

I have been living my life in recent weeks, on the brink and like the character of Caledon Hockley played by Billy Zane in the film Titanic,  I have experienced, at the point of my own moment on the edge of a of precipice, a holding back, as if a physical hand is grabbing onto the back of my shirt-collar to keep me on this side of changing my life.

For me, it has felt in recent weeks and days that my marriage must end.

I have thought about it, I have discussed it, I have ranted and raved about it, and I have communicated it to my wife, and yet I have this feeling of being held back from implementing the change by a strong desire to make sure that my wife is safe first.

This might not be possible, but from the other side of the change it has the potential to be less possible. Perhaps this is a sign that I am not ready, I have not done all the work I need to do before I go.

Life on the Brink is a crazy place – a teetering on the edge where the body sways, and the mind swoons, and the emotions rock forward and back, and the soul yearns and cries out for the relief of some otherness, some warmth, some compassion, some love.

Ultimately, life on the brink comes to an end with a leap of faith, a commitment to change irrespective of the consequences which in advance, can not be fully known.

I suppose, the hand holding me back could be the hand of God, the hand of reason, the hand of hope, the hand of self, but whatever it is, it is currently at the back of me holding onto my shirt and I need to turn around and see it, I need to confront it, I need to master it, if I am ever going to be in a position to make my leap of faith from my life on the brink.

My next blog will be: The Moment When Laughter Strikes

William Defoe

At the end of the beautiful film “Call Me By Your Name” directed by Luca Guadagnino, Elio’s* father, Professor Perlman* tries to comfort his broken hearted son over the loss of his first love, Oliver*.

He tells him that right now there is sorrow, but try to blend it with the joy that you have known.

This acceptance of light and dark, joy and sorrow is an important part of developing into who we are meant to be.

To suppress those parts of ourselves which we fear, or which we do not understand, is to deny ourselves the opportunity to grow, and growing can be painful, yes physically, but also emotionally as we rough up hard against our unspoken truths and the disappointments and failures which we experience along the way.

But Professor Perlman says to Elio, so often people try to feel nothing to avoid feeling anything and that leaves us bankrupt by the age of thirty.

We are born, he says, with one heart and one body, and it is for us to decide how best to use these to fulfill the best of our potential.

In the years of my marriage when I alone grappled with the enormity of the fact that I was gay (before eventually telling my wife), I quietly, and some might say, heroically or foolishly tried to honour my commitments and fulfill my responsibilities to by wife and children whom I love.

This act of commitment, this act of love, this act of suppression, this act of folly, this act of bravery has taken its toll on my heart, body and soul. There is a deep part of me that feels bankrupt.

And now, being more fully acquainted and in love with my truth, I feel so bitterly the hurt and the pain not only on myself but also on what my attempt to hide has had on those whom I love.

But then I think, this pain has to be welcomed, it has to be blended with the joy of what I have achieved and perhaps the harder part, the joy and pain of what I still might achieve, whether I go forward gay, but actively straight, or actively gay.

It is my heart, it is my body and it is my soul, and I am now firmly resolved for the time still to come not to feel nothing to avoid feel anything.

My next blog will be: Life on the Brink

William Defoe

*characters

I am currently in midst of intense emotional pain which is as a result of a toxic coming together of sadness, disappointment and indecision.

Throughout the last few years, I have struggled valiantly to maintain the hope that despite being gay, I will be able to hold on to my marriage and remain faithful to those vows which I took as a young man of 23 years old.

In recent weeks, after much strife, this aspiration has been strained to breaking point not only in my home, but in my heart too.

It is as if, the forces which drive my soul are pulling me apart physically, mentally and emotionally as I try to reach a decision.

To decide, is to kill off the alternative choice which I will ultimately have to reject and this finality of making a definitive choice, is causing me an acute pain at the deepest level of my soul.

I appeal within for something on which can I reach and grasp for comfort as I grapple with making this life changing choice.

I have reluctantly, turned to things spiritual, particularly as a Catholic Christian I enter Holy Week culminating with Christ’s Resurrection at Easter.

I say with reluctance, because I don’t want to reach a decision which has the appearance of being moral, but which becomes in reality another prison from which I cannot break free.

I desperately need to sense within me, with renewed warmth and vigour, the intense love which I have for my wife, and at this moment those feelings are raw and so they allude me.

Perhaps I should allow time another chance to heal my wounds and then perhaps, with prayer and fortitude, I will find the courage and the conviction necessary for the final want of will I need to decide.

My next blog will be: Feeling Nothing to Avoid Feeling Anything

William Defoe

Last week I bought my first gay centred movie “God’s Own Country” with the open acknowledgement of my wife, and she kindly watched the film with me.

I was deeply moved by the experience of being able to openly connect with my gay self in the comfort of my own home, without having to endure a sense of shame or guilt.

I explained to my wife that the film was essentially about how the main character Johnny Saxby was learning to love.

His awakening to the landscape, to the taste of food, to the joy of life in his livestock, to conversation,  to his pain explored, to touch given and received, to sensuality and intimacy  overcame the forces of anger; isolation; frustration and casual meaningless sex in which there was no visible sign of love or care.

I loved this film so much, because it spoke to me of my own journey of discovery to bring home the exiled parts of myself which I had rejected for many years.

Earlier today a second gay centred film was delivered to my door – “Call Me By Your Name” which I had ordered with the full agreement of my wife, and its arrival coincided with the arrival of an unexpected gift from my brother of a picture of Christ being carried to his tomb from the cross.

My wife remarked that it seemed strange to be able to be the recipient of two apparently conflicting materials in literally the same moment.

My response to her was that there was nothing more fitting.

I am gay and I am a devout Catholic and in learning to love, I have been able to reconcile within myself, the fullness of my identity, so that the canvas is vast and is not restricted to defining myself as one thing as opposed to the other.

In learning to love, I have become whole, I have become seamless; I have become …… me!

My next blog will be: To Decide

William Defoe

Last year, on 28 March 2017, the Royal Mint issued into circulation a new one pound coin.

Whenever I found one in my pocket, from change passed to me in the transactions I enter into on a daily basis, I started to put them all into a tin at the side of my bed – a money box – my tin of coins!.

It’s purpose was to amass funds which ought really not to exist, so that I could treat my wife to some experience – a trip to Venice or New York or Paris, which we have never been able to afford during the 30 years of our marriage.

Last week, I counted 296 of these coins and the tin is almost full. It will have to be emptied and filled a few more times before my dream can be put into practice.

I’m prepared to wait! It’s a journey not a race.

It’s means is short change, its purpose is short break!

This concept of reaching a goal at a steady pace, resonates heavily in my life, particularly at the current time when all my struggles, all my thinking; all my coaching; all my talking; all my listening; all my experience is pointing me strongly to a new way of living.

The hard bit is to remain patient; remain true to the values I hold dear; to bring those whom I love so much and with all my heart to the dawn of a new kind of relationship with each other, and with my truth.

My next blog will be: Learning to Love

William Defoe

If I was asked to tell you in a sentence or two, how I fasten my shoelace, I would struggle to explain it.

I have noticed how I fasten my shoelace on each shoe each day, without giving so much as a thought to the steps I must take to achieve it.

It is a marvelous skill, and one in fact, I can clearly remember acquiring as a young boy, needing to be able to loosen and fasten my shoes without parental help whilst out for the day at school.

Recently, I was confronted very surprisingly with an opportunity which required a quick decision.

In the few moments I had, to make up my mind whether to act or not, I managed to think myself out of the situation by all manner of reasoning and justifications and excuses.

There is no way of telling whether the choice I made in that moment was the right one, perhaps it was, and perhaps it was not – no matter, but I have this sense of having thought myself out of the art of what is possible if I had just allowed myself to do so.

I know that when I pick up my shoelaces and pull on them with force, my shoe closes in around my foot, and within moments it is held secure by the chords and a knot.

Perhaps the same logic could be applied to my capacity to explore and experience the world, trusting the outcome will deepen my understanding, deepen my clarity, deepen my truth without necessarily knowing in advance all the steps I need to take to get there.

My next blog will be: Tin of Coins

William Defoe

In the Chapter 10 called “Wayfarers All” of the beautiful book “Wind In The Willows” by Kenneth Grahame, Ratty, the Water Rat, is suddenly overcome by a sense of urgency to leave all that is familiar, and follow the departing migrants for a warmer climate and adventure.

Last week, I experienced a profound sense of needing to do the same – to break with all the trappings of my life, and to embrace fully and completely the homosexuality which exists alive within me, but which is suppressed to the world.

These difficult times, resulting from discourse and unhappiness verging on bitterness at home pushed me to what felt like a point of no return; a tipping point, from which I sensed fully what it would mean to literally break free.

The call of the departing swifts in “Wayfarers All” beckoned Ratty to the South, until his alarmed friend Mole holds on to him and lures him back to his senses with a combination of rest, peace and a sheet of writing  paper and a quill.

I experienced my awakening from within, despite the urge to leave everything, by my capacity even in that place of temptation and desire, to consider the needs of my wife.

I contacted one of our closest friends, a person whom we both hold in high regard and I told her that I was gay.

It was not done for my sake, it was an act of giving for my wife, who had been increasingly isolated in the situation of our marriage, now openly acknowledged by her as a gay husband, but unable to discuss it and seek compassion and solace for her fears.

A toxic mix of frustration; anxiety; unhappiness and hopelessness seem now to have given way to understanding; tolerance and love.

My call from within for freedom, still hopes to find its expression in being recognised and loved in the familiar, but the call of the swifts above and the synapses in my brain remain alive to an otherness which has been placed, for now, on hold.

My next blog will be: Fastening My Shoelace

William Defoe

Often when I am at most despondent, I will call out into the emptiness………..

“I want my Mum,  I want my Dad”

It’s a call back to my perception of safety which I must have carried as a child, and retained as an adult in my fifties!

I have never really been able to secure as an adult, a sense of safety and the need for comfort and love has never been far away from my deeply felt emotional life.

Last week, in the midst of grave difficulty, I called my elderly Mother on the telephone.

It is not a step I took lightly, but I had come to a place where I could no longer suppress the truth of the difficulties I face in my marriage.

Everything is hidden, everything is gleaned over at the surface with a  superficial shine which gives my life the appearance of safety, love and security which I do not really have.

I told her that my marriage was in difficulty and that I could no longer suppress this truth from her, oft thinking as I have done, that I would spare her the disappointment of my failings this side of her grave.

She listened, she soothed, she surprised me in offering me a place to live should I need the space.

Oh bless!

She managed to kiss my metaphorical grazed knee, put a plaster upon it and hold me close…… just for a moment, just for enough time to pass, for me to feel safe, before I turned back to face and deal with the problems I have and work them through with my wife.

My next blog will be: “Wayfarers All”

William Defoe

I live and experience my life through an intense emotional prism.

The weight of the air around me is pressing and restricting.

Last week, I met at a party a couple whom I had not seen for some considerable time.

The woman was chatting and bubbly and her husband subdued and quiet, each breath looked to be an effort for him to take.

My heart was aware of him, and when I found a moment later to be with him, we spoke about a crisis which had befallen him which had caused him to have a nervous breakdown.

A period of bullying in the workplace had brought down his sense of self; his dignity; his purpose so that his life came crashing down on him with severe consequences for his mental health and his financial situation.

Heavily medicated, just to be able to function, he told me about the circumstances of the abuse and how gradually he had been worn down until he had to quit.

I was conscious to listen, rather than to speak, but I explained to him briefly how I related to his experience and how by talking and expanding the canvas on which I live my life, I had avoided having a nervous breakdown.

I suffered terribly during a relatively short period of my working life and I think I survived largely intact because I refused to be a victim.

This is not to suggest that my friend in any way has failed, he has not, but I had the presence of mind, even in the darkness to be aware of the light around me in family; friends; faith.

I think the air is heavy around me because I am in a continuum of pushing it outwards, gasping for the clean air of living; of being alive; to fill my lungs each day.

Each day is a new opportunity to discover where I fit in to the world and that sense of belonging to the earth changes everyday if I have the presence of mind to look and listen.

Stretching every sinew to reach that state of weightlessness which comes with acceptance of how things are; acceptance of what is; what was, and what is still to come.

My next blog will be: A Call to Mother

William Defoe