Life on the Brink

There is a moment in the 1997 James Cameron film “Titanic” where the character played by Billy Zane is in a position to leave the sinking ship.

However, despite having this opportunity for his safety and self-preservation, he turns around to seek out and find his fiancee (the character played by Kate Winslet) and then he makes every effort to ensure that she is safely evacuated first, despite the relationship having broken down acrimoniously.

This moment of choice, which is real and present, is a representation of what it is like to have experience of life on the brink.

It is not the forward thinking, planning phase of change, it is the real and present implementation of it, the point of no return, from which life is changed for the better or the worst or perhaps both.

I have been living my life in recent weeks, on the brink and like the character of Caledon Hockley played by Billy Zane in the film Titanic,  I have experienced, at the point of my own moment on the edge of a of precipice, a holding back, as if a physical hand is grabbing onto the back of my shirt-collar to keep me on this side of changing my life.

For me, it has felt in recent weeks and days that my marriage must end.

I have thought about it, I have discussed it, I have ranted and raved about it, and I have communicated it to my wife, and yet I have this feeling of being held back from implementing the change by a strong desire to make sure that my wife is safe first.

This might not be possible, but from the other side of the change it has the potential to be less possible. Perhaps this is a sign that I am not ready, I have not done all the work I need to do before I go.

Life on the Brink is a crazy place – a teetering on the edge where the body sways, and the mind swoons, and the emotions rock forward and back, and the soul yearns and cries out for the relief of some otherness, some warmth, some compassion, some love.

Ultimately, life on the brink comes to an end with a leap of faith, a commitment to change irrespective of the consequences which in advance, can not be fully known.

I suppose, the hand holding me back could be the hand of God, the hand of reason, the hand of hope, the hand of self, but whatever it is, it is currently at the back of me holding onto my shirt and I need to turn around and see it, I need to confront it, I need to master it, if I am ever going to be in a position to make my leap of faith from my life on the brink.

My next blog will be: The Moment When Laughter Strikes

William Defoe

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