To Decide

I am currently in midst of intense emotional pain which is as a result of a toxic coming together of sadness, disappointment and indecision.

Throughout the last few years, I have struggled valiantly to maintain the hope that despite being gay, I will be able to hold on to my marriage and remain faithful to those vows which I took as a young man of 23 years old.

In recent weeks, after much strife, this aspiration has been strained to breaking point not only in my home, but in my heart too.

It is as if, the forces which drive my soul are pulling me apart physically, mentally and emotionally as I try to reach a decision.

To decide, is to kill off the alternative choice which I will ultimately have to reject and this finality of making a definitive choice, is causing me an acute pain at the deepest level of my soul.

I appeal within for something on which can I reach and grasp for comfort as I grapple with making this life changing choice.

I have reluctantly, turned to things spiritual, particularly as a Catholic Christian I enter Holy Week culminating with Christ’s Resurrection at Easter.

I say with reluctance, because I don’t want to reach a decision which has the appearance of being moral, but which becomes in reality another prison from which I cannot break free.

I desperately need to sense within me, with renewed warmth and vigour, the intense love which I have for my wife, and at this moment those feelings are raw and so they allude me.

Perhaps I should allow time another chance to heal my wounds and then perhaps, with prayer and fortitude, I will find the courage and the conviction necessary for the final want of will I need to decide.

My next blog will be: Feeling Nothing to Avoid Feeling Anything

William Defoe

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