Last week I bought my first gay centred movie “God’s Own Country” with the open acknowledgement of my wife, and she kindly watched the film with me.
I was deeply moved by the experience of being able to openly connect with my gay self in the comfort of my own home, without having to endure a sense of shame or guilt.
I explained to my wife that the film was essentially about how the main character Johnny Saxby was learning to love.
His awakening to the landscape, to the taste of food, to the joy of life in his livestock, to conversation, to his pain explored, to touch given and received, to sensuality and intimacy overcame the forces of anger; isolation; frustration and casual meaningless sex in which there was no visible sign of love or care.
I loved this film so much, because it spoke to me of my own journey of discovery to bring home the exiled parts of myself which I had rejected for many years.
Earlier today a second gay centred film was delivered to my door – “Call Me By Your Name” which I had ordered with the full agreement of my wife, and its arrival coincided with the arrival of an unexpected gift from my brother of a picture of Christ being carried to his tomb from the cross.
My wife remarked that it seemed strange to be able to be the recipient of two apparently conflicting materials in literally the same moment.
My response to her was that there was nothing more fitting.
I am gay and I am a devout Catholic and in learning to love, I have been able to reconcile within myself, the fullness of my identity, so that the canvas is vast and is not restricted to defining myself as one thing as opposed to the other.
In learning to love, I have become whole, I have become seamless; I have become …… me!
My next blog will be: To Decide