Often when I am at most despondent, I will call out into the emptiness………..
“I want my Mum, I want my Dad”
It’s a call back to my perception of safety which I must have carried as a child, and retained as an adult in my fifties!
I have never really been able to secure as an adult, a sense of safety and the need for comfort and love has never been far away from my deeply felt emotional life.
Last week, in the midst of grave difficulty, I called my elderly Mother on the telephone.
It is not a step I took lightly, but I had come to a place where I could no longer suppress the truth of the difficulties I face in my marriage.
Everything is hidden, everything is gleaned over at the surface with a superficial shine which gives my life the appearance of safety, love and security which I do not really have.
I told her that my marriage was in difficulty and that I could no longer suppress this truth from her, oft thinking as I have done, that I would spare her the disappointment of my failings this side of her grave.
She listened, she soothed, she surprised me in offering me a place to live should I need the space.
She managed to kiss my metaphorical grazed knee, put a plaster upon it and hold me close…… just for a moment, just for enough time to pass, for me to feel safe, before I turned back to face and deal with the problems I have and work them through with my wife.
My next blog will be: “Wayfarers All”