This time last year a 20 year old male friend of my daughters died in tragic circumstances.

My daughter was telling me that a school re-union which she had attended recently, her friend was sorely missed and quite a few tears were shed once more at his absence.

A favourite song of her friend was played and my daughter told me that after the tears and hugs and conversation she wanted to enjoy the song, but it was not possible because one of her friends wanted to continue crying and hugging and reminiscing.

I was struck by how each individual deals with loss and separation differently.

The song being played had provoked a response in my daughter to be quiet, to listen and to reflect, whilst for another the song had provoked more tears, more need for conversation, more despair.

Of course, each response to a vehicle for memory, on this occasion a song played at a disco, is valid and right for the individuals involved.

The difficulty arises when there is a clash of approach to handling our grief and our memories and our respect and love for those whom we have loved and lost.

My daughter, put her arms around her friend and listened more to what she had to say. In that moment, she said, although I wanted to enjoy the song and be still, her need was greater for comfort and support.

I haven’t always being able to defer my own needs for those of another, but this empathy and groundedness displayed by my daughter towards her friend reminded me of what a beautiful gift it must be, to be able to respond from that place.

My next blog will be: Infinite Faith

William Defoe

I am a member of a church choir.

Sometimes when I am singing a hymn, my eye will be drawn to the hymns which are located before and after the hymn which we are currently singing.

It seems strange to me to see a Christmas Hymn next to a Lenten Hymn or an Easter Hymn.

Wouldn’t it be better, I muse, if the hymns were placed in seasonal order and this way my hymn book would not look so randomly organised as to make it appear out of order.

Of course, I then remember that my hymn book is ordered in the alphabetic sequence of the first line of each hymn.

There is within it, an inherent logic and an organised approach to the order in which the hymns are prioritised in the hymn book.

This craving for order in my life, at times, is illustrated well in the fact that sometimes what seems out of order and following a path of no apparent logic, can be ordered in our minds if we pay attention and give enough thought to the pattern of our lives.

The logic for me in craving an organised life, is that the apparently competing elements of my life, which demand my time and attention, need to be given a focus in their turn to allow them to have a context which is balanced and reasonable.

My next blog will be: She Wanted To Enjoy The Song

William Defoe

Last Friday evening I went to see an amateur production of “Fiddler on the Roof”.

I was drawn to the theme of the importance of tradition, particularly within religious communities.

The daughters of Tevye (a hard working, but poor Jewish milkman), in their turn seem to spurn the tradition within the community that it is the matchmaker who arranges a marriage, and the father who accepts the arrangement.

His first daughter, has secretly planned to marry a tailor and pleads with her father to retract his promise for her to marry the butcher. Tevye loves his daughter and compromises his view of tradition to accept his daughters plea.

His second daughter falls in love with a revolutionary, and he tells Tevye that they are to be married. Tevye loves his daughter and compromises his view of tradition and gives his permission for the marriage despite not having being asked for it.

His third daughter falls in love with an Orthodox Christian and this situation creates such conflict with his view of tradition, that Tevye cannot accept it, however, as the family prepare to leave their village, forced out by ethnic hatred, he utters a blessing “God be with you” to his estranged daughter.

I was moved by the conflict which tradition can bring between the generations and particularly moved by the example of this poor faithful man to put love above tradition.

The choices which my own adult children have made, have come at a price which for a long time, I could not accept, but which I have learned through coaching and quiet reflection and prayer to accept.

My mother said to me when she heard that my daughter had chosen to live with a man rather than to marry what I thought of the situation – in other words, what was I going to do about it?

I turned to her and I told her “I am going to accept it, because to reject it would be to risk alienating my relationship with my daughter and drive a wedge between us.

So, Tevye, like me respects tradition, but is prepared to put love above all else.

My next blog will be : Hymn Book

William Defoe

I’ve been giving some thought, in response to a recent comment on my post “Problem Solving” from a very much appreciated supporter of my journey to know and love self.

Here is a scenario which has played out in my life recently.

X is very enjoyable and good for me, but it involves and requires the tacit support and inclusion of another person.

Y is also enjoyable, it has a very similar outcome to X, and it does not have the tacit support of another person or the inclusion of another person.

Z is me, accepting who I am and looking for ways to be present in the world, less isolated and fearful.

In recent months, gaining the support of another person for X has been complicated and difficult.

It has been easier to reach for the solution called Y, but this has had a very destructive effect on my well-being, and it has become a problem which has caused me to feel unhappy, with low moods and ashamed.

The person who needs to help me with X is very aware of Y and feels hurt at this substitute solution, which although I acknowledge its existence, I will not give a running commentary.

In recent weeks, I began to feel that it would be easier to give up on X and accept Y as being a reflection of being Z, but this potential solution was unlikely to provide any sense of lasting happiness, unless I made a decision to leave all possibility of X behind me for good.

In a very lucid moment in my life, after weeks of reflection I came to a resolution to invest all my energy in exclusively pursuing X.

This, is on the face of it, is a much harder choice to make, but ultimately this course of action keeps me close to another person, and in place of sorrow and despair with Y, there is a sense of hope and fulfillment and an end to isolation and fear.

This choice, means that there is a risk that Z, the person I am, is not fully integrated into the solution of X, so in the absence of Y, I was concerned that I would not be able to sustain my chosen course of action.

I decided to consult the other person involved in X  and I explained the reason I had chosen X and how it was my intention to fulfill my sense of  self as Z in other less destructive ways  – softer, less intense ways which, through the expansion of my capacity to be all I want to be in the world, does not come at the expense of my happiness or any other person connected with me.

So, this blog is saying, I have chosen a tougher course in X, which needs the love and support of another who understands the choice I have made in giving up destructive Y, and in the solution I have not lost my identity as Z.

My next blog will be: Tradition

William Defoe

Whilst out jogging a few weeks ago, in the early morning darkness before day break, I became alert to the presence of a strong parfum as a woman walked passed me in the opposite direction.

I could not see her, in the morning twilight, but her strong parfum drifted on ahead of me for quite sometime alerting me to her presence in the world.

I am intrigued by how all our senses connect us to our inner and outer life.

I am not an island, I am connected, and I am connected through all my senses to others.

I am embarrassed to think that the woman passing by me with her strong parfum, whilst I was running, was possibly alerted to the less pleasant strong parfum of my bodily sweat as I ran passed her.

This image in my mind of being able to leave a scent, which is so important in the animal world, makes me appreciate my sense of smell, because at a very basic level it is a sense of utter truth and at an intellectual level, my sense of smell is romantic and creative.

The knowledge that we leave our mark on the world as we pass through is important in a whole life sense, because it helps to give a purpose to our existence and the causes we involve ourselves in during our life.

The knowledge that we leave our mark on the world as we pass through, is important in a present sense, because it helps us to consider, in the moment or in reflective practice, the  impact of our actions on those who come into daily contact with us.

My next blog will be:  X and Y and Z

William Defoe

Earlier this week, South African Springbok legend, Joost van der Westhuizen died aged just 45, after suffering with motor neuron disease.

In an interview before he died, he talked about his sense of peace and calm, despite the ordeal of his mind and body and that his life would soon end.

I was moved deeply by his comment that it was not until his diagnosis was given that he became conscious of the important concepts of health and time.

He said most of us go through our life without noticing and valuing the importance of health and time.

I have interpreted his words to mean that I should be aware of my health and time in the present moment.

I have an expectation to live a longer than average life by world standards, and I am fortunate to have good access to healthcare whenever I have need of it, however it is not for me about how many years I have left of life, it is that I live it and that I live it well.

To live my life well, is to invest my efforts in aspects of my life which are important to me.

I have been asking myself “What is important?”

Despite my gay sexuality, and despite the difficulties I have experienced and caused; my wife and our marriage are the most important aspect of my life.

I have been working hard to save it and it has been touch and go. I cannot take it for granted that we will succeed where others have not.

I have to invest my health and time today and everyday in cultivating a lasting bond which has endured for thirty years already, but which has been under pressure in recent years.

I want to be a good father and to do this I need to be accessible, loving, and supportive by giving my adult children my health and time whilst respecting their life choices and giving them space to be what they need to be.

I want to be a good grandfather if the time comes.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of physical health, running and walking.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of mental health, blogging, talking, listening, silence, coaching, being coached, praying, reading, learning, studying, resting, sleeping.

I want to use my work to support my life, not my life to support my work. This means I want to give my best to my work when I am working, and make sure that I am bringing my talents, developing my knowledge and skills, admitting when I am wrong or when I do not know the answer.

I send the family of Joost van der Westhuizen my deep respect and prayers at this time. May he rest in peace.

My next blog will be: It’s My Life

William Defoe

In Matthew 5:13-16, Jesus tells his disciples:

“You are the salt of the earth”

and later He tells them:

“You are the light of the world”

I have been reflecting of these words, which were read out in Mass last Sunday; and which were further explained in the sermon given by my parish priest.

Salt when sprinkled on food brings out the flavours in the food, but never is salt a food which would be consumed on its own.

Light illuminates our path, but pointless it would be to switch on a light and close the door on its brightness.

This idea of salt and light as bringing enhanced taste and illumination onto my life and those around me have struck a chord within me.

The element of salt represents my  inherent skills, innate and learned; and the element of light represents how I bring these skills to the world.

Salt unused in the salt-cellar will eventually lose its taste and a light under a tub is of no use whatsoever.

The learning for me from this passage of scripture, and the words spoken by my priest, are that to be in the world is to be in the act of creating it; to be in the world is to illuminate it; to be in the world is to interact with others.

This being in the world, comes at a price, because being yourself may attract intentional / unintentional supporters and detractors and a sense within of relevance and irrelevance.

Finding the courage to bring forth our salt and light, despite the feelings we may carry of inadequacy, or despite the fear of being rejected and ridiculed or ignored, is to bring forth the very essence of our being, the very essence of our values; the very essence of our heart and soul.

My next blog will be: Health and Time

William Defoe

On a recent journey through a nearby major city, my car radio continually lost signal as I drove under, and emerged from, a series of tunnels.

I noticed that if the song I was listening to was familiar to me, I could imagine the parts I was missing during the lost signal and try to see if my imagination of the music was in sync with the actual music when the song re-emerged as I drove out of each underpass.

Of course, if a conversation was being held, I lost connection momentarily with what was being said, but I did not lose touch with my ability to think and process what I had been listening to, before I lost signal.

There have been many times in my life when I have lost signal with those around me, not because of a physical barrier of concrete and steel, but because of my own emotional barrier which has blocked out my capacity to hear/to listen;  and blocked out my capacity to speak/ to be heard.

The lost signal to my car radio in the underpasses, has taught me that despite the physical barrier of the concrete underpass and the lost connection, the radio was still transmitting and I was still in connection with it because my mind was active and alert throughout.

The movement of the car drove me to a re-connection of the signal and my senses, but in the world I inhabit, when I am maintaining my own metaphorical lost signal, I have to rely on my own capacity to recognise that I am suffering, and work my way back through reasoning and through courage to a place of community and safety and love.

My next blog will be: Salt and Light

William Defoe

The person in front of me in the line has a right to his / her service before me.

The person behind me in the queue will have to wait until my needs have been served.

I have noticed that in most instances, perhaps with the exception of an emergency, or the social ignorance of another, my place in the queue is determined by the time of my arrival and not by any other quality which I or other people in the line possess.

It feels a bit like absolute equality, but in reality it isn’t equal because I still may have to wait longer in the line than others have done before me.

Last week at the end of a conference, the organizers had arranged lunch for the delegates in which two queues formed which gravitated towards two sides of one long table.

I had time to muse on my place in the queue, and as I stood there I realised how random our opportunities in this world seem to be.

For example, the queuing arrangements were not explained, they just emerged as I came out of the hall, and the queue I joined was longer than the one I would have joined had I come out of the doors from the hall.

The rules of queuing and my place in the queue seemed skewed by the fact that I would wait longer than those delegates joining the smaller queue at the other side of the table.

I was struck by how been in a queue allowed me to experience being content with how things are in the moment.

Being first, or being last didn’t matter, and if it had mattered I would have had to take an action to change my place in the queue (by joining the other smaller queue or pushing in further up  the line “because I had a train to catch  – I am sorry”etc).

In the situation I was in, even if I had heard that the food was in short supply, I would not have moved forward from my place.

I would have been more likely to withdraw altogether, but this attitude signifies in me a deep seated inferiority and deference to others, so that my needs should be subjugated to others, or perhaps my attitude signifies a deep seated kindness and compassion – probably both.

My place in the queue is a random clash with the universe, my attitude and my drive and my ambition to be the best I can, to be able to live my life in the moment, to be conscious of my value system isn’t random, it is inherent and the basis of my truth.

My next blog will be: Lost Signal

William Defoe