I am learning through my development, that there are definite connections between the issues that I am trying to accept which can be best described as cousins.

A cousin is a relation, who shares the same familial roots, but one who is now part of a different branch of the family to our own.

Applying this logic of family relationships, I have begun to apply the same logic to my emotional relationships.

I have recently made a connection, on my journey to love self, between my suppressed gay sexuality, and its cousin, which is my need to be liked.

The root of this relationship is in my feelings of anxiety about the suppressed truth of my same sex attraction, and a constant feeling that the world could not like me, because it did not know me.

In recent years, I have emerged from the suppression of my truth in two profound ways – firstly in telling my wife and close circle about it and secondly investing in my own self development to accept it as an integral part of who I am.

I am now more conscious of the branch containing its cousin – my need to be liked.

It feels to me like it is casting a shadow over my ability to thrive in the present moment, because if my happiness is dependent on the good opinion of others e.g my wife, my boss, my family, my friends, then I am continually on the look out for signals that they accept me and love me which is exhausting and unrealistic for them and for me.

I am actively trying to avert my thoughts from the anticipation of feedback or praise or comforting looks or hugs, to being able to assess my own performance at work, or in the home, and in the absence of any message to the contrary, being satisfied with that.

It has felt like, what I imagine it feels like, to overcome an addiction – the hit of the nicotine, drugs or alcohol, are for me manifest in the praise or the thanks or the positive feedback, which I have needed to get me through each day.

I am learning that the joy of being accepted in my truth, is being matched by the joy of being able to live each day, being present, and comfortable with my own assessment of the contribution I make in the world.

My next blog will be: The Conflict of Values

William Defoe

Over the last three years I have been pre-occupied with trying to gain a better understanding of self.

I have been trying to reconcile aspects of myself, which were in a state of internal conflict and dilemma for many years.

I sometimes feel that this intense focus on reconciling the various aspects of my truth within me is an act of self(ish)ness.

I have had to respond to my inner critic by reminding it, that at the point I sought help to resolve my difficulties, my life had become untenable.

My marriage was at risk, my children were alienated from me and I from them.

I felt isolated within my family (parents/siblings) because they did not know the cause of my emotional pain.

This investment in self, has enabled me to focus my life in the present moment, so that I am not crushed by events in the past that I cannot change, nor am I continually anxious about events that are yet to happen  – which may never happen – and are in respect of others outside my control.

By living in the present, with a focus on self, I have broadened my capacity to accept what I had previously felt were totally incompatible aspects of who I am – for example being gay and married, being Catholic and gay, living with an intense same sex attraction.

I have been able to find a way of being calm, being less reactive, being able to accept the choices that my adult children make and most dramatically, letting go of my need to control aspects of their lives.

I have been able to access love and support from my wife, children, parents and siblings which I had not previously felt worthy of in my state of anxiety and isolation and pain, and I had pushed them away.

I have come to understand that my inward focus on self, is reflected back as if through a mirror, to those who come into contact with me.

Being able to accept and love myself, and stop thinking of myself continually as a failure, has made me more accessible to them, and they to me.

My journey goes on at the pace of time, and there are times that I mess up and fall into old ways, or forget my methods of dealing with things which cause upset to me and those close to me.

I have to remind myself that I am flesh and blood, not a deity or a robot and I will never be perfect, nor do I aim to be.

Being self(ish) means I have to have compassion for myself and others and be prepared to move on from adversity, taking the learning, and reflecting for a few moments in each day, to acknowledge how far I have come.

My next blog will be: Cousin

William Defoe

Among my selection of gifts from my loved ones at Christmas was a bottle of Parfum!

It was only yesterday that the irony of it’s name “Obsession for Men” occurred to me.

I embrace the irony, and I have no fear!

Now if that is not development in action, I don’t know what is!

But take the word “Obsession”  – this is an interesting concept which requires some attention from me.

This word talks to me of being in a state of continuous circle on a narrow theme which perhaps is causing me, or others close to me, emotional pain.

This word speaks to me of suppression of my potential to be present in everything.

I am learning, through my journey to know self, that it is sometimes good for me to focus intensely on various aspects of self, and my impact with others in various situations, however, I have also learned to hold loosely onto the intensity.

A loose hold, means for me that I am not obsessed, I am simply being curious, and I am not being held prisoner by my thoughts.

I am exploring the landscape of my mind and whenever I feel suffocated by my interest in something (ranging from the world news to my adult children’s lifestyle choices), I push out the boundaries of my mind, to be more expansive,so as not to stifle my opportunity today, to be present.

I think this parfum has gone to my head!

My next blog will be: Self(ish)!

William Defoe

I came across a quote from Marilyn Ferguson over Christmas:

“Fear is that little dark room where negatives are developed”

I am curious about this statement, because I have been accompanied by fear all of my life.

As a child, I lacked confidence and struggled to integrate through play and sports, particularly with boys of my own age.

I can feel, even today, the fear that I felt as a child, that somehow I was separate, somehow I was different, and my capacity to thrive in how it was to how I wanted it to be allowed within me, the negatives to develop.

Through my adolescence, although I did find and make lifelong friendships with my male school friends, I was fearful of my capacity to cope with the future.

My marriage to my wife was a period of time when I was full of hope and deep love, because I loved deeply and felt I was loved deeply too.

My children brought joy, but also responsibilities with which, through each stage of their development, I struggled to be an adequate father.

I felt driven beyond my capacity to succeed, and it was during their young lives, that I came into full knowledge of my gay sexuality.

This reality caused me immense suffering and anxiety as I struggled to cope with full force of my attraction to my own sex, and the conflict this brought within me, in respect of my dearest wish to be a good and loving husband and father.

Into the dark space in my mind, poured in fear for over twenty years until I found the courage to explain my truth to my wife and seek help for my troubled soul.

I now have within me the capacity to recognise the light and the dark and accept them as being partners in my journey of self.

I am curious when I am fearful about what my inner voice is trying to guide me through, or protect me from, and I am noticing that once I have acknowledged the source of the fear, I am in a better place to nod to it, but push ahead

So you could say, that I am emerging from the dark room where the negatives are developed, into my own place of light and shade by staying positive.

My next blog will be: Parfum

William Defoe

Just recently I have experienced some sleepless nights.

In truth, for me, the term “sleepless night” is a cliche.

What it means is that I either struggle to get to sleep or I wake up early and I cannot go back to sleep.

The unwanted awakeness is overwhelming, but I am now better able to notice it, to listen to it, to respect it and not react to it.

So I am noticing unresolved problems at work, pressure with deadlines, pressure with prioritisation, pressure through perceived knowledge and skills gap of myself or members of the team, fear of failure, fear of omission, fear of the future – no wonder its a struggle.

My first response, once I am fully awake, is to just simply be with it.

I don’t have the answers but I am asking the questions  – notice the questions – what are the questions? – put on a light and write them down!

Often the action of listening and writing is enough to calm my anxiety.

I have listened and noted down my inner fears and perhaps the morning will bring some the clarity from within self or from the action of reaching out to someone else for help or advice or perhaps finding the courage to continue to live in the questions for a little longer.

Night night!

My next blog will be:  I Want

William Defoe