I came across a quote from Marilyn Ferguson over Christmas:

“Fear is that little dark room where negatives are developed”

I am curious about this statement, because I have been accompanied by fear all of my life.

As a child, I lacked confidence and struggled to integrate through play and sports, particularly with boys of my own age.

I can feel, even today, the fear that I felt as a child, that somehow I was separate, somehow I was different, and my capacity to thrive in how it was to how I wanted it to be allowed within me, the negatives to develop.

Through my adolescence, although I did find and make lifelong friendships with my male school friends, I was fearful of my capacity to cope with the future.

My marriage to my wife was a period of time when I was full of hope and deep love, because I loved deeply and felt I was loved deeply too.

My children brought joy, but also responsibilities with which, through each stage of their development, I struggled to be an adequate father.

I felt driven beyond my capacity to succeed, and it was during their young lives, that I came into full knowledge of my gay sexuality.

This reality caused me immense suffering and anxiety as I struggled to cope with full force of my attraction to my own sex, and the conflict this brought within me, in respect of my dearest wish to be a good and loving husband and father.

Into the dark space in my mind, poured in fear for over twenty years until I found the courage to explain my truth to my wife and seek help for my troubled soul.

I now have within me the capacity to recognise the light and the dark and accept them as being partners in my journey of self.

I am curious when I am fearful about what my inner voice is trying to guide me through, or protect me from, and I am noticing that once I have acknowledged the source of the fear, I am in a better place to nod to it, but push ahead

So you could say, that I am emerging from the dark room where the negatives are developed, into my own place of light and shade by staying positive.

My next blog will be: Parfum

William Defoe