At the start of my recent journey to know and love self, so that I could be a calmer being, in my interactions with those I love, I prepared and sent an appraisal of my current outlook on life to my coach.
That document is for me a baseline, from where I can from time to time, assess my progress as I develop a clearer sense of self.
On my journey so far, I can point within me to an acceptance of my sexuality where at baseline I utterly rejected it. This is a profound shift.
I have become more reflective and become acquainted with the judge – “my inner critic” who tries to protect me by attempting to keep me in a state of fear.
I am not so reactive to the world around me, I am better able to hold my tongue, think things through and live with the questions over a sustained period of time.
I am conscious that being present involves living a life of light and shade and making the world seem bigger so that my issues seem smaller.
I have recently started to run, after months of procrastination and I have become very aware of the profound effects that physical exercise has on my mental health.
I have formed networks of friends to support my journey to help reduce my sense of isolation.
I have ended my dependency of the television and particularly the news which controlled my free space which prevented my capacity to be available to reflect and to be available to those I love.
I have healed the wounds of broken relationships with my children whom had become frustrated with my behavior (angry outbursts/controlling expectations) and they have acknowledged to me that change.
I have released myself from trying to live a life of expectation of how it will be, and have moved to a place of conversations, narratives and stories and most of all, being curious at the choices that I, and those that are dear to me, make in their lives.
I have read and studied a variety of coaching material – my favourite being Parker Palmer’s “A Hidden Wholeness” and “Let Your Life speak” which caused me to weep for days – but the release from suffering within me was wonderful.
I am coming to terms with my need to be liked – an ongoing journey to help me live more fully in the present.
My nemesis is my capacity to read literature.
I read a great deal of material every working day, but I have not shifted from my baseline in respect of my capacity to read for relaxation.
As 2016 starts, I am making a Reading Resolution to at least try and find some space to read.
I may succeed, and I may not succeed – the excitement for me is in the aspiration, rather than being in the fear of failure which could not be further from my mind.
My next blog will be: Staying Positive