Earlier this week, South African Springbok legend, Joost van der Westhuizen died aged just 45, after suffering with motor neuron disease.

In an interview before he died, he talked about his sense of peace and calm, despite the ordeal of his mind and body and that his life would soon end.

I was moved deeply by his comment that it was not until his diagnosis was given that he became conscious of the important concepts of health and time.

He said most of us go through our life without noticing and valuing the importance of health and time.

I have interpreted his words to mean that I should be aware of my health and time in the present moment.

I have an expectation to live a longer than average life by world standards, and I am fortunate to have good access to healthcare whenever I have need of it, however it is not for me about how many years I have left of life, it is that I live it and that I live it well.

To live my life well, is to invest my efforts in aspects of my life which are important to me.

I have been asking myself “What is important?”

Despite my gay sexuality, and despite the difficulties I have experienced and caused; my wife and our marriage are the most important aspect of my life.

I have been working hard to save it and it has been touch and go. I cannot take it for granted that we will succeed where others have not.

I have to invest my health and time today and everyday in cultivating a lasting bond which has endured for thirty years already, but which has been under pressure in recent years.

I want to be a good father and to do this I need to be accessible, loving, and supportive by giving my adult children my health and time whilst respecting their life choices and giving them space to be what they need to be.

I want to be a good grandfather if the time comes.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of physical health, running and walking.

I want to invest my time in pursuits of mental health, blogging, talking, listening, silence, coaching, being coached, praying, reading, learning, studying, resting, sleeping.

I want to use my work to support my life, not my life to support my work. This means I want to give my best to my work when I am working, and make sure that I am bringing my talents, developing my knowledge and skills, admitting when I am wrong or when I do not know the answer.

I send the family of Joost van der Westhuizen my deep respect and prayers at this time. May he rest in peace.

My next blog will be: It’s My Life

William Defoe

In Matthew 5:13-16, Jesus tells his disciples:

“You are the salt of the earth”

and later He tells them:

“You are the light of the world”

I have been reflecting of these words, which were read out in Mass last Sunday; and which were further explained in the sermon given by my parish priest.

Salt when sprinkled on food brings out the flavours in the food, but never is salt a food which would be consumed on its own.

Light illuminates our path, but pointless it would be to switch on a light and close the door on its brightness.

This idea of salt and light as bringing enhanced taste and illumination onto my life and those around me have struck a chord within me.

The element of salt represents my  inherent skills, innate and learned; and the element of light represents how I bring these skills to the world.

Salt unused in the salt-cellar will eventually lose its taste and a light under a tub is of no use whatsoever.

The learning for me from this passage of scripture, and the words spoken by my priest, are that to be in the world is to be in the act of creating it; to be in the world is to illuminate it; to be in the world is to interact with others.

This being in the world, comes at a price, because being yourself may attract intentional / unintentional supporters and detractors and a sense within of relevance and irrelevance.

Finding the courage to bring forth our salt and light, despite the feelings we may carry of inadequacy, or despite the fear of being rejected and ridiculed or ignored, is to bring forth the very essence of our being, the very essence of our values; the very essence of our heart and soul.

My next blog will be: Health and Time

William Defoe

On a recent journey through a nearby major city, my car radio continually lost signal as I drove under, and emerged from, a series of tunnels.

I noticed that if the song I was listening to was familiar to me, I could imagine the parts I was missing during the lost signal and try to see if my imagination of the music was in sync with the actual music when the song re-emerged as I drove out of each underpass.

Of course, if a conversation was being held, I lost connection momentarily with what was being said, but I did not lose touch with my ability to think and process what I had been listening to, before I lost signal.

There have been many times in my life when I have lost signal with those around me, not because of a physical barrier of concrete and steel, but because of my own emotional barrier which has blocked out my capacity to hear/to listen;  and blocked out my capacity to speak/ to be heard.

The lost signal to my car radio in the underpasses, has taught me that despite the physical barrier of the concrete underpass and the lost connection, the radio was still transmitting and I was still in connection with it because my mind was active and alert throughout.

The movement of the car drove me to a re-connection of the signal and my senses, but in the world I inhabit, when I am maintaining my own metaphorical lost signal, I have to rely on my own capacity to recognise that I am suffering, and work my way back through reasoning and through courage to a place of community and safety and love.

My next blog will be: Salt and Light

William Defoe

The person in front of me in the line has a right to his / her service before me.

The person behind me in the queue will have to wait until my needs have been served.

I have noticed that in most instances, perhaps with the exception of an emergency, or the social ignorance of another, my place in the queue is determined by the time of my arrival and not by any other quality which I or other people in the line possess.

It feels a bit like absolute equality, but in reality it isn’t equal because I still may have to wait longer in the line than others have done before me.

Last week at the end of a conference, the organizers had arranged lunch for the delegates in which two queues formed which gravitated towards two sides of one long table.

I had time to muse on my place in the queue, and as I stood there I realised how random our opportunities in this world seem to be.

For example, the queuing arrangements were not explained, they just emerged as I came out of the hall, and the queue I joined was longer than the one I would have joined had I come out of the doors from the hall.

The rules of queuing and my place in the queue seemed skewed by the fact that I would wait longer than those delegates joining the smaller queue at the other side of the table.

I was struck by how been in a queue allowed me to experience being content with how things are in the moment.

Being first, or being last didn’t matter, and if it had mattered I would have had to take an action to change my place in the queue (by joining the other smaller queue or pushing in further up  the line “because I had a train to catch  – I am sorry”etc).

In the situation I was in, even if I had heard that the food was in short supply, I would not have moved forward from my place.

I would have been more likely to withdraw altogether, but this attitude signifies in me a deep seated inferiority and deference to others, so that my needs should be subjugated to others, or perhaps my attitude signifies a deep seated kindness and compassion – probably both.

My place in the queue is a random clash with the universe, my attitude and my drive and my ambition to be the best I can, to be able to live my life in the moment, to be conscious of my value system isn’t random, it is inherent and the basis of my truth.

My next blog will be: Lost Signal

William Defoe

In recent weeks I have taken a Vitamin D supplement each day.

I have not been diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency, but I am over 50 years old and I often experience a heightened level of stress and anxiety during the days with less hours of sunlight in them.

The post-Christmas period is noticeably difficult for me, and despite the strategies I employ to make my life easier by keeping warm, sleeping more, running regularly and taking a few days holiday from work in late January, I still feel somewhat overburdened, lethargic and depressed.

I have not noticed a marked improvement in my mood since I started to take the Vitamin D supplement, but I feel a sense of having at least tried to do something to assist my mood for the sake of those around me.

I am a very active, outgoing, humorous and focused individual who to a large extent, suppresses how I feel whilst I am at work or with friends.

I struggle to maintain the same discipline when I am at home, and I  think that despite how I have been feeling,  I have managed my moods at home a lot better than in previous years.

Increasingly I am trying to see myself from the perspective of my wife and other family members whom I love, and I want to do better, I want to feel safe, I want them to feel safe in my company.

Last year, at this time I took a few days off work and I made it very clear that these days were going to be an opportunity for me to rest. My attitude and demeanor attracted resistance and discourse.

This year, I took a few days off work and I made it quite clear that I wanted to get through as many home-related tasks as possible over the weekend so that I could spend some of my time relaxing the following week.

I then spent a day with my elderly parents.

The following day, I asked my wife to join me for lunch and go for a walk with me.

On the last day of my short break I discussed with my wife the prospect of me not been at home when she returned from work at lunchtime as I intended to go for a longer walk alone. Not a problem to her at all – all harmonious and calm

When she had gone to work, I missed her.

I contacted her by text, and I said I would like to go for lunch and walk again with her in the afternoon as we had done yesterday, and to facilitate this I ironed and prepared the evening meal.

Perhaps here is the evidence I am looking for of the impact of the Vitamin D in my life.

My next blog will be : My place in the queue

William Defoe

I have become aware again recently, that I am currently in a mode of problem solving and I want to get out of this reality as quickly as possible.

I have this tendency to listen to the concerns of others, particularly those of my wife and my adult children, and sense within me an almost immediate need to sort out their troubles.

I have noticed that I go into this mode of operating when I am stressed myself.

It is as if I need those who are close to me, to be alert and resilient to my needs and therefore any issues that they are experiencing themselves will distract them from the more complex needs that are my own.

In short, it is a crazy notion which causes me to feel further alienated when I most need to feel close to those whom I love.

In talking through these issues with my coach, I picked up on a new way to respond to the needs of others, by feeling into their world emotionally, rather than trying to solve the problem.

This act of listening, being silent, being present so that the issues are spoken and heard but not consigned to a quick response to get them out of the way, seems like the way to go forward for me just now.

I sense within me that this new approach to problem solving in the lives of others, will create a space for me to speak, so that despite the stress, despite the anxiety, despite the mood swings, I can sense the real presence of the understanding and care of others in my life.

So, the new approach to problem solving is to listen, to connect emotionally and to quit giving advice.

My next blog will be: Vitamin D

William Defoe

I have spent the last few days at home.

It has been an opportunity for me to take a hard look at what is going on in my life at this time.

I have been unhappy; I have been angry; I have been tired; I have been worried; I have been agitated; I have been disappointed; but why?

I have been overstretched.

Last weekend I had a list of “jobs” in and around the home which needed doing.

I did them, and I crossed each one off in their turn.

I have spent my time this week, running, writing, reading, painting, walking, visiting my parents, watching TV, being coached and yet I have felt an underlying anxiety and strain.

I have noticed that being overstretched is a condition where the mind is not settled even when the body is relaxing or it is engaged in something leisurely or pleasurable.

Being overstretched is akin to burnout, it is a nervous exhaustion, which requires care, but moreover it requires patience and self love.

My coach (angel as she is to me)  by her participation in the great mystery which is my anxious life, enables me to draw breath, and focus on the here and now.

The very recognition of having been overstretched – the very discovery in my mind of a word for how I am feeling,  has liberated me from the blind panic which I have experienced in my tortured soul these last few weeks.

I think that to overcome being overstretched, I have to submit to its truth, it feels like a kind of letting go, releasing the fear, releasing the addiction to false beliefs and false ways of coping which make the situation unbearable.

I feel a tad bit empty, as if the fullness has drained away from my life, but to be empty is to have the capacity to grow , but in growing, taking care that my cup is not filled to the brim so that I become again – overstretched.

My next blog will be: Problem Solving

William Defoe

The satisfaction of hunger is of course one of life’s primary needs, perhaps the most basic and the most important.

Earlier this week I noticed that I had consumed a first mouthful of food without tasting it.

In swallowing without tasting perhaps I was inherently focused on satisfying my hunger at that particular moment.

But, hold on a minute, I’m hardly starving, it can’t be that long since I last ate something, I am fortunate that my food supply is constant and guaranteed unlike for so many in this world who go hungry.

In swallowing my food without tasting, I deprive myself of a key aspect of the process of eating, which prior to being swallowed is the mastication and tasting of the food.

Tasting is to enhance the food experience, it is to widen the process of eating from basic function to a higher level.

To taste, is to go on a journey of the mind, to feel the heat, to enjoy the flavour, to experience the texture of the food before it is dispatched to sustain life.

I think swallowing without tasting is akin to reducing my life to a mechanism, to a process and it is to deny the opportunity within my life for noticing the world; for being in the world;  for living fully in the world.

To swallow without tasting is to risk a life lived as an existence, rather than a life lived as an experience, with periods of darkness and light which deepens the  very essence  of our limited time on this beautiful earth.

My next blog will be: Overstretched

William Defoe

I have noticed recently how comfortable I feel at the start of each day, at the point at which I put on my clean underwear.

The feel of the cotton, as it begins to resist the pull of my thigh, as they are pulled up over my buttocks to the hips – snug, tight, fresh, clean, comfortable.

The way the cut of the shorts creates space for, and supports my private parts  – safe, secure, supported, fresh.

Contrast these feelings then with the end of the day when, quite honestly it can be a relief to get them off!

A feeling of irritation around the waist where the band has rubbed against my skin.

A feeling of loose, unclean, unfresh, uncomfortable material which has long since stopped performing at a standard of cleanliness for which they had been intended.

They once clean underwear drops to the bedroom floor and I step out of them with my right foot and then flick them with my left foot into the air to catch them in my hand – I learned sometime ago that to catch them in my mouth, although perfectly feasible is oh so unadvised on so many levels.

So, by the end of the day, my clean underwear has been on a journey, and by the end of the day that journey reaches its end.

It is important I think, to be thankful for the journey, regardless of the feelings at the end point.

The journey took me forward feeling supported and safe.

The journey prevented injury and discomfort throughout the day.

The journey had its moments of joy and sorrow; light and darkness; sunshine and rain; dry and dampness!

My clean underwear, signifies for me, purpose and journey; movement and still; the cycle of my life and the forward capacity to the start of the new day.

My next blog will be : Swallowing without Tasting

William Defoe

There is a momentous turning point in the life of “Forrest Gump” **  when having run the length of America and back, following the death of his wife, he suddenly stops running.

This moment in the film, has always held a fascination for me, because the life I lead is often punctuated with an unbearable sense of anxiety, which manifests itself in a variety of ways in my mind; in my body; in my words and actions; and in my silence and tears.

Last week, a heightened period of anxiety and intense emotional pain came to an abrupt end in the middle of the night.

I can’t recall experiencing a moment like it before in my life, but I knew that this heightened period of stress and destructive mood swings had come to an end – it was my very own turning point.

Often in the past, when I have been in midst of a dark period in my life, I have looked for the intervention of some outside stimulation to bring me out of it; perhaps a kind word, or an empathetic ear; perhaps a long run or an inspirational read; perhaps a social occasion which has unlocked my mood.

This turning point was different because I woke up at 3.00 am in the morning and all the negativity in my thinking seemed to have dissipated; all the assurance in my mind of the future course of my life was turned instantly to the opposite; all my feelings of needing to be alone, melted into a need for community and love.

And so, instead of waiting to be held; instead of waiting for events to take their course; instead of reveling in my low mood; I reached out my hand and my arms and soothed with my body and words and tears, so that those close to me could recognise that I had returned to them.

I think I have learned for the future, that turning points can have their origins from somewhere deep, deep, deep within, and that it might be a place for me to consider looking when next the time comes.

My next blog will be: A Helping Hand

William Defoe

** Forrest Gump is a 1994 American comedy-drama film based on the 1986 novel of the same name by Winston Groom. The film was directed by Robert Zemeckis and stars Tom Hanks, Robin Wright, Gary Sinise, Mykelti Williamson, and Sally Field.