When I was a child, if I lingered too long in the bath with my plastic boat and my plastic duck, I would have wrinkly fingers which made my finger tips soft; bumpy and pale.

This observation in my life on lingering too long on a circumstance; or a longing; or an episode of anger has a similar effect on my brain as to having wrinkly fingers.

Ignoring for a moment, that in all probability my brain is already most likely soft, bumpy and pale, the impact of my emotional state on my ability to think clearly and rationally and roundly, is compromised by the wrinkly fingers approach to my choice of response.

In recent years, I have been more able to decipher in my head, that the water is cold, or metaphorically, my thoughts are stale or stagnated and so choose a different response to liberate myself from the old destructive impulse to be inert, rigid, or cold.

As a child, remembering the warm fluffy towel being rubbed over my frozen body and re-energised from the tips of my toes, to the ends of my fingers, reminds me of the benefits of allowing those who love us to care for us; and in return our wrinkly fingers unfold into a hug or a touch which shows them that we know.

My next blog will be: The Carnage of My Used Running Kit

William Defoe

It times past, I experienced my emotional longings as a jagged; random and dis-jointed series of episodes.

Later, following a period of coaching and development, I began to understand that these events of unhappiness and longing were part of a seamless cycle of longing, with ebbs and flows very much like the waves on a sea-shore – incoming and receding tides.

It seemed strange to me, throughout my development to know and love self, to start to welcome these cycles of pain and emotional turmoil which have been a feature of my life for many years.

My sexual frustration eventually found its voice, spoken out into community as being heterosexually married but inherently gay, and ever since that awakening, I have been trying strenuously to overcome the peaks and troughs of emotional frustration.

I have learned to recognise and be curious about the feelings I experience in any given moment, and in truth, the moments of the severest anguish do have their elements of beauty because their proximity to the deep longings which I hold within, are experienced with the greatest clarity when they are at their most severe.

I have learned to express my frustration as my orbit of longing which circumvents my being in cycles of perfect spheres which are constantly moving, never still, always present in my mind and heart.

I live in a permanent cycle of suffering, but it is not imposed on me from the outside, if it were so, it would be a manifestation of cruelty which I should take steps to overcome, no, rather it is an expression of my deepest longings which for complex reasons are not based on rationality, but on a wider context of self.

My orbit of longing is a thing of beauty because it tells me that at the heart of my struggle there is a man of integrity; a man of faith; a man of intelligence and love.

My next blog will be: Wrinkly Fingers

William Defoe

Recently, I visited an elderly man who has been housebound for a few weeks as a result of surgery on his back.

I had learned through a mutual friend, that he was very frustrated as a result of his confinement and his inability not only to drive a vehicle, but even be a passenger in one.

I called to see him at a pre-arranged time and I took him Holy Communion.

After our initial greeting and the spiritual elements of my visit were concluded in an atmosphere of calm and prayerful respect, we moved on to the social aspect of my visit.

As we sat drinking a cup of tea, I gave him the parish newsletter which I had brought with me.

I was surprised – very surprised – at the joy this newsletter brought forth within him.

He was delighted to receive it, his face lit up and he played with it in his hands.

He wanted to read it immediately, which would have been of no problem to me, but he said, “No, I’ll save it for later”

There was something in his manner, which seemed to suggest that my visit and the newsletter had somehow restored some balance, some connection, some belonging again into his life.

It was a wonderful feeling to have been able to make someone so happy with an hour of my time and a newsletter.

My next blog will be: My Orbit of Longing

William Defoe

The month of January is a month in which I am prone to a period of feeling down, below par.

This year is turning out to be no exception, however, I have noticed a new sense of resilience to feelings of being depressed, helpless and anxious.

Its a feeling of sensing the January Blues without actually having them.

I’m not depressed, I’m lively and alert and articulate.

I’m not helpless, I’m active and busy and comfortable being at rest.

I’m not anxious, I’m thriving, despite feeling under a lot of pressure at work and feeling overwhelmed with issues at home too.

My coaching experience has enabled me to be present in whatever my day to day experience brings and to use all powers at my disposal to deflect away a tendency which I had in the past to succumb to my mood and lose energy and interest.

It is ludicrous to write-off January and wish it away – it is a 12th of my life and I am determined to experience this cold and dark season as positively as I can.

I’ve slept more hours – and what is wrong with that, I’ve cut down the alcohol, I’ve run and lost the Christmas lbs and I’ve painted a watercolour and even picked up my book.

Yesterday I watched a box set – 5 one hour episode of a police drama and I have not felt one bit guilty for it – I needed the rest and stimulation and the distraction and I took it for myself.

In the background my old fears and feelings linger as if they were a bird of prey circling for movement in the long grass below.

I’ve grown the long grass, I’ve developed a sense of safety and resilience from the January Blues and I’m the one making the most of what each day brings by living them in the present.

My next blog will be: The Newsletter

William Defoe

Last week, 6th January being the Epiphany, we took the Christmas decorations down which had adorned our home.

As we did so, a new neighbour, whom we have only recently met, called to pick up a parcel which had been left for him at our home.

As I handed over the parcel we exchanged pleasantries on whether we had respectively enjoyed the Christmas festivities.

I said, we would ask you in for a drink and a longer chat, but we are just taking down the Christmas decorations, at which he said, “oh so you’re a traditionalist” ours were down last week after New Year.

I said “well yes, I suppose we are traditionalists”

Later, as I reflected on the brief exchange with our new neighbour, I wondered what it meant for me to be perceived as a traditionalist.

In the context of Christmas, I suppose he might have been insinuating that I was religious, or a christian, and in the absence of knowing us very well, this could have opened up in his mind a whole range of assumptions and opinions about us, some of which would be accurate and others inaccurate.

Of course, I do have a religious dimension to my life, I am a person of deep faith, I believe in Jesus Christ, but my relationship with God is not the same as my relationship with the church.

The church has been mis-managed to varying degrees over the centuries, by corrupt, criminal, authoritarian men, and also women, who have used their power to subjugate the faithful into obedience through fear and worse, abuse.

However, it has also been run over the same period of time, by men and women who love God, and through their faith in Jesus Christ, have brought healing and compassion and love to those in need, which is all of us, regardless of creed, colour, age, sex, orientation, or gender, in some cases devoting their whole lives to the poor, the lonely, the hungry and the sad.

I think being a traditionalist, defines me as a man who wants to keep the traditions and to be honest most of the teachings of the Catholic Church, but that should not preclude anyone from being made welcome to join the journey of faith.

My understanding of my faith and beliefs has evolved over time and sometimes I feel at odds with some aspects of what the church teaches but it does not mean that I want the teaching to change.

I want the accessibility of understanding it to change, and for me/us to be allowed to doubt, to be curious, to be confused, so that it becomes a welcomed part of my/our experience and expression of it.

My next blog will be: January Blues

William Defoe

I’ve read my first book of the New Year!

“The Tiger and the Acrobat” by Susanna Tamaro.

It has thrilled me with nuggets of philosophy throughout its beautiful chapters, as tiger tries to find her identity and independence.

I was struck by moments when tiger sensed a feeling of disappointment for perceiving that she had let her parents down in some way, by not following the same course of life as they had lived, and which they had expected her to live.

Far worse, I think, to have done the opposite, as I did, and followed a culture and a tradition appropriate for my parents which was not suited to the world I experienced within and without.

So much has changed, even in my lifetime in the way that open, western societies have recognised a persons need to be an individual.

Eventually, in this beautiful book, the tiger listens to her heart and she searches within for the gemstone which defines her truth.

In truth, the book needs a second read, which I am resolved to do this very soon, and no doubt subsequent reads in the future, when the shape of the words and the language will no doubt speak to my own heart in the moment in which it finds itself.

I have lived my life faithful to the aspirations of my parents, and the anguish that my choices have caused in my own life, and those whom I love, some of whom who do not know that I am gay, has been an ordeal from which I am only just beginning to emerge.

This reality of self, and my awakening to my truth, has enabled me to accept the choices which my adult children have made, for their own happiness which in some cases are different to the choices I have hoped they would make.

This has had a liberating effect on my soul, and on my relationships with them, and I know that no matter how things turn out, I want to be with them in their happiness and in their sorrows, because if I do not welcome and embrace everything, I make my experience smaller, pitiful and calculated* 

My next blog will be: Being Called a Traditionalist

William Defoe

*based on words of Susanna Tamaro

Earlier this week, I was out running on a particularly cold, dark and windy morning before work.

My path was strewn with branches which were difficult to navigate in the dark and unlit paths, particularly in the woods I crossed.

At one point, my left foot snagged in a branch on the path and my right foot freed it at force, as it pushed through with the next step, snapping the branch just in time to release my leg and prevent a fall.

As I have journeyed through my recent years of self-development, I have learned how to thrive in the here and now, despite the challenges; the obstacles; the risks and the pitfalls which have sometimes been a significant part of my life experience.

The important lesson for me has been to learn to welcome these moments, however long they last, as an important aspect of my soul’s experience.

It is from the challenges which I have experienced, that I have developed a capacity to respond; to reflect; to bring balance and a wider context and scope, so that my previous tendency to be overwhelmed for long periods of time has been mitigated by my voice, calling me from within, to welcome it all.

The moments I spent on the path strewn with branches was punctuated by leaps and twists and brutal force to make sure that I kept going; kept focus; kept thinking; kept reveling in the joy of mental freedom in my mind, which was accompanied by the joy of movement in my body, which both were informing my soul that I am alive; that I am free; that I am me.

My next blog will be:  Nuggets of Philosophy

William Defoe

The start to 2018 has been better that it was at the start of last year, which had been embroiled in a futile and damaging row with my adult child.

I have been able to repair the damage, and I have allowed myself to move on from the anguish and disappointment which the exchange of angry words  between us caused.

I sometimes experience my life as being intolerable, but as this new year starts, I feel calm within.

I know that I need a male companion. I need for someone to see me fully for who I am, because all the self-interrogation into my inner soul has lead to a cry outwardly for recognition and compassion.

I need to find ways to connect outwardly more fully with what I am within, and this is a great challenge because despite my growing sense of self-hood, I fear what may happen to those whom I love and those who will be hurt in some way by my truth.

I am fortunate enough to be supported on my journey by a trusted few, and it is through their belief and their love that I draw the strength I need to face each day.

As 2018 starts, I sense momentum, I sense progress, I sense hope that sometime soon I will finally be me.

My next blog will be: tbc

William Defoe

This review is concerned with what I have learned about self in 2017.

I have learned that I have further to go on my journey to know and love self and that I still hope for the love and support of others as I finally start to make the tracks which will lead to new beginnings in my life.

I am broken, but that does not mean that I am without hope, it means I am aware of the full extent of my suffering and I have found the means to manage it; by knowing it; by speaking to it; by longing for it to find its true expression.

During 2017, I have searched further and deeper than ever before to find the me within my soul and its clarity and its beauty are calling for me to respond; to be curious; to seek advice; to act with honesty and integrity.

I make no resolutions for the future excepting for my increasing desire to find my life more fully each day by living it in the present.

To live fully is to face the truth head on; it is to find those missing parts which call out constantly from deep within my tormented soul, and to be brave enough to face whatever comes without fear and with hope.

My next blog will be: 2018

William Defoe

It has been my firm resolve over the Christmas period to remain calm at all times.

I have been successful, but it has come at a price.

It has meant that I have actively dissuaded myself from the excitement  – the ups, because I have begun to understand that feelings of euphoria can swing all so easily to feelings of despondency and worse in me, anger.

I have been calm.

I have steered myself through a narrow course of feeling, and in doing so I have experienced a deeper sense of peace, a deeper sense of rest; a deeper sense of being alert to the issues around me.

These have at times caused me to feel pain and anxiety over situations within my family, and within my relationships which are no longer under my control, but there is hope, in that recognising the issues, I can at a later date work to use my influence sensitively and appropriately to help things improve.

I have sensed within me a need to be with self, and I have taken some time to do just that.

I drift off into my own thoughts, where at times, I feel overwhelmed with sadness and I have enjoyed being able to be with it so that I understand my hunger; my longings and my resistance and reasoning to these things more fully.

All this is contained within the throng of a full and lively Christmas with all my family and friends at different times throughout the season.

I have come to understand that a full and active family and social life is a blessing; and so too is the religious side of my life and especially in this Christmas season, but my intention to be calm has enabled me to be curious; interested; detached; and involved so that my tendency to anger and disappointment has been replaced with a tendency to just be.

My next blog will be: 2017

William Defoe