It times past, I experienced my emotional longings as a jagged; random and dis-jointed series of episodes.
Later, following a period of coaching and development, I began to understand that these events of unhappiness and longing were part of a seamless cycle of longing, with ebbs and flows very much like the waves on a sea-shore – incoming and receding tides.
It seemed strange to me, throughout my development to know and love self, to start to welcome these cycles of pain and emotional turmoil which have been a feature of my life for many years.
My sexual frustration eventually found its voice, spoken out into community as being heterosexually married but inherently gay, and ever since that awakening, I have been trying strenuously to overcome the peaks and troughs of emotional frustration.
I have learned to recognise and be curious about the feelings I experience in any given moment, and in truth, the moments of the severest anguish do have their elements of beauty because their proximity to the deep longings which I hold within, are experienced with the greatest clarity when they are at their most severe.
I have learned to express my frustration as my orbit of longing which circumvents my being in cycles of perfect spheres which are constantly moving, never still, always present in my mind and heart.
I live in a permanent cycle of suffering, but it is not imposed on me from the outside, if it were so, it would be a manifestation of cruelty which I should take steps to overcome, no, rather it is an expression of my deepest longings which for complex reasons are not based on rationality, but on a wider context of self.
My orbit of longing is a thing of beauty because it tells me that at the heart of my struggle there is a man of integrity; a man of faith; a man of intelligence and love.
My next blog will be: Wrinkly Fingers