Category Archives: Married and Gay

Reading Resolution

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At the start of my recent journey to know and love self, so that I could be a calmer being, in my interactions with those I love, I prepared and sent an appraisal of my current outlook on life to my coach.

That document is for me a baseline, from where I can from time to time, assess my progress as I develop a clearer sense of self.

On my journey so far, I can point within me to an acceptance of my sexuality where at baseline I utterly rejected it. This is a profound shift.

I have become more reflective and become acquainted with the judge – “my inner critic” who tries to protect me by attempting to keep me in a state of fear.

I am not so reactive to the world around me, I am better able to hold my tongue, think things through and live with the questions over a sustained period of time.

I am conscious that being present involves living a life of light and shade and making the world seem bigger so that my issues seem smaller.

I have recently started to run, after months of procrastination and I have become very aware of the profound effects that physical exercise has on my mental health.

I have formed networks of friends to support my journey to help reduce my sense of isolation.

I have ended my dependency of the television and particularly the news which controlled my free space which prevented my capacity to be available to reflect and to be available to those I love.

I have healed the wounds of broken relationships with my children whom had become frustrated with my behavior (angry outbursts/controlling expectations) and they have acknowledged to me that change.

I have released myself from trying to live a life of expectation of how it will be, and have moved to a place of conversations, narratives and stories and most of all, being curious at the choices that I, and those that are dear to me, make in their lives.

I have read and studied a variety of coaching material – my favourite being Parker Palmer’s “A Hidden Wholeness” and “Let Your Life speak” which caused me to weep for days – but the release from suffering within me was wonderful.

I am coming to terms with my need to be liked – an ongoing journey to help me live more fully in the present.

My nemesis is my capacity to read literature.

I read a great deal of material every working day, but I have not shifted from my baseline in respect of my capacity to read for relaxation.

As 2016 starts, I am making a Reading Resolution to at least try and find some space to read.

I may succeed, and I may not succeed – the excitement for me is in the aspiration, rather than being in the fear of failure which could not be further from my mind.

My next blog will be: Staying Positive

William Defoe

 

Carols at Christmas

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For many years as an adolescent, and for most of my adult life, I have saturated myself with popular Christmas music and the more traditional carols in the home and on my music system in the car from the start of advent.

I recall my mother saying to me when I sensed a loss of excitement and enjoyment of the music at Christmas time, that in her words “I had exhausted my appetite for it before Christmas had even begun”

I have noticed a change in my behaviour this year in respect of my exposure to listening to Carols at Christmas.

I did not really focus on Christmas until the weekend preceding it, when I actively began to seek those pleasures associated with the excitement of the Christmas season.

I have noticed that for the first time ever, i am still playing the Carols at Christmas in my car during the season of Christmas because I was not saturated with it before Christmas started.

This speaks to me of what it is like to be present.

I am present in the Christmas season at the appropriate time, rather than in advance of it.

This has helped with my levels of satisfaction, so that I have not had a feeling of intense excitement and anticipation before Christmas, leading to a sense of disappointment throughout it, and more than likely after it.

I am quite sure that when all the Christmas decorations come down on the Epiphany, I will be able to appreciate that I have enjoyed the season, but I will not be crushed by its having come to its natural end.

Carols at Christmas has enabled me to feel present, and it feels great!

Fast away the old year passes, fa la la la, fa la la la

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses, fa la la la, fa la la la

Happy New Year – I wish you all every blessing in the present moment of each day of 2016.

My next blog will be: Reading Resolution

William Defoe

 

The Joy of Intimacy

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I have lived for most of my adult life with the knowledge of a reality of self which is different to the self hood which I share with the world in respect of my same sex attraction.

Even though in recent years, I have experienced the profound relief of sharing my truth with my wife, and some close acquaintances, there is a lingering sense within me of suppressed truth/frustration.

Sharing my feelings in this blog is a wonderful opportunity for me to experience a release from that continued sense of isolation.

I have been reflecting over the Christmas holiday on the Joy of Intimacy.

This is that openness in a relationship (marriage/partnership) , which is manifest through physical and emotional closeness and sexual fulfillment, but also something for me which is a bit more abstract in its effect on me.

By this I mean, those intimate messages and knowing glances across a room or opportunistic touches which would be wholly inappropriate in any other circumstance, with any other person in the world.

I have decided to share something here which I was going to hold back, but here I go:-

I sometimes on a morning as I get out of bed, drop my shorts and ask my wife – “does my bum look big in this?” before whipping them back up and exiting the room.

The Joy of Intimacy for me is the giggles I leave behind, reverberating around my mind with a huge smile on my face, or the swift slap on my posterior if she manages to get to me on time!

I think the Joy of Intimacy is close to being in the world in fullness of truth.

It is that deep openness of nothing being held back.

It is that deep joy of making someone laugh.

It is that deep gratitude of being loved.

My next blog will be: Carols at Christmas

William Defoe

 

 

Being Recognised

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On Christmas Eve at the end of the Children’s Mass, the priest called out a parishioner who has worked tirelessly in preparing children s liturgy and preparation for first holy communion for many years and told her that she had been awarded the benemerenti.

The benemerenti is recognition from the Pope for services to the church and this comes about as a result of people nominating a particular individual and the request being approved by the local diocese.

I was pleased to see this lady receive her award, and it is was well deserved, but I also felt a sense of anxiety that other worthy parishioners had been overlooked.

I think my anxiety is misplaced!

Being Recognised by our community is no doubt a wonderful accolade – particularly when  it is unexpected and surprising and others have been collaborating behind the scenes to bring your gifts to wider notice, but this does not in any way intentionally de-value the contribution of others.

I think that the way to view this is to feel the joy of the recipient and to share in the honour as a community  – it is the community being recognised in its broader sense.

I think Being Recognised is the work of self for the most part.

I have been coming to terms, as part of my ongoing journey to love self, of my hitherto insatiable need for affirmation that I am doing well at work. I am working in this period of development on actively doing all I can to suppress the search for it, and just quietly notice the unsolicited feedback which I receive in a variety of ways.

I am onto the work of self, to quietly notice and recognise my own contribution in the world, at work, at home and in my parish and community and if I can acknowledge to self, my own contribution to the lives of others, then that should be all the recognition that I need.

My next blog will be: The Joy of Intimacy

William Defoe

 

Being Polite

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I have what I would describe as an innate politeness – I cannot seem to help Being Polite.

In recent times, I have made this necessity on my part to be polite a key focus of my development of self.

Being Polite has become for me a source of concern – and here is why?

There is an aspect of Being Polite, which lacks truth or put another way suppresses my truth.

Being Polite is sometimes akin to saying one thing whilst at the same time thinking another thing, and I am on to it in certain interactions which I enter into.

This new focus for me of noticing when I am saying one thing and thinking another is challenging work.

It requires me to be present in my interactions, and conscious in the moment of the contradiction, so that I can note it down and at a later point begin to dissect the substance of the issue, which I am hiding from myself or the other party.

Why am I not bringing my truth? – there are occasions when I happen to think that I am being strong, for example when I am consciously suppressing my real desire to speak a truth which will cause unnecessary hurt, or inflame a tense situation.

I am conscious that there are times when it is a strength to defer the truth until a more appropriate setting can be arranged for it to be said, heard and discussed.

So, the focus of my development is to notice when I am unconsciously speaking something or conveying a demeanor which is not a truth and asking myself …  why?

These answers will be a focus of a future post, but for now I wanted to share with you this concept of how Being Polite as a potential source of damage to self-esteem and conflict in relationships at home, at work and in our parishes and communities which we all would do well to understand.

My next blog will be: Being Recognised

William Defoe

 

 

Body and Mind

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I’m on to something and it is making me feel curious.

Over the years, when I have suffered with feelings of anxiety and emotional stress, I have felt it in my mind – a dizzy array of uncontrollable thoughts, hopes, fears, indecisiveness, wayward thoughts and at such a pitch of intensity that I have felt unstable.

My coach, whom I have visited for three years now, has asked me to feel these emotions in my body.

She asked me to do this some time ago, and although at the time I thought that I understood what she meant, I think with hindsight that I did not.

As my journey deepens and I move through Integral Coaching from being a helpless participant in the world around me, to being a man living in conversations, stories and narratives, in the present moment, her words spoken to me again recently, have found a source within me, of fresh impetus and understanding.

I have been very anxious in recent weeks. On the surface it is managed and at home where I used to let it all fly, it has been managed there too, so where can I be  – where can I go to with these difficult aspects of self?

The answer it seems is in my body.

The mind and the body are one inseparable element of my being. I am a mind of intelligence and free thinking and skewed thinking at times, and I am a beautiful physical flesh and blood human being – as are all mankind!

When I am stressed, I try to find the place in my body where I can feel the pain (not physical pain – but a tension).

More often than not I feel it in my gullet  -in the trachea behind the sternum – or to put it simply in my chest, and it affects my breathing.

Or I feel it in the cavity over my heart and this is painful – it hurts physically and I soothe myself with additional stories that I might have a heart attack and die, and other such nonsense designed by my critic to keep me in a state of fear.

Or I feel it in my back  – real low and far away from the mind.

Or I feel it on my skin causing me to scratch relentlessly on my scrotum or abdomen or at the extremities of my hands and feet until I could be sick with the enormity of the agitated state that I have worked myself into.

Last week for the first time I noticed the pain in my ears – real deep as if my brain had some how swollen and was putting pressure on my cochleas.

Now that I am noticing the mind’s effect on my body, I able to shift the focus from mind to body, so that I can calm my breathing to assist the intensity in my chest and heart.

I can rest my body to ease my back and wash my body and caress it with antibiotic cream to heal my sores.

In shifting the focus from mind to body, as guided to do so, by the living angel who is my coach, I am given something tangible to establish a new balance between my mind and body so that together I can find and feel a place of calm.

My next post will be : Being Polite

William Defoe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Dread

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I have finished work today for a Christmas break.

I am a true believer in Christ, I have a wonderful family, I will be entertaining and being entertained throughout the season and yet I have a feeling inside me of what I can only describe as Christmas Dread.

It is a feeling which I am actively trying to manage within my internal dialogue with self in this busy lead up to Christmas.

I feel a sense of guilt for this Christmas Dread because unlike so many people, who have a genuine fear of Christmas as a result of bereavement, loneliness, broken families, financial pressure, and homelessness etc, I am not justified, as perhaps they are, in feeling as I do.

I am beginning to sense that the fear within me is linked to being stressed, or linked to past disappointments (family arguments) from which I want to move on this year.

I want this Christmas to be different, and I am noticing that for a realistic prospect of a happier Christmas, I need to find a place within each day to be calm (with self in silence).

I also need to manage my tendency to have my say, I am resolved to bite my lip whenever I feel provoked, or temporarily absent myself from the source of the agitation.

I intend to manage my intake of food and alcohol and allow my body to rest with some good hours of sleep over the period and also I intend to exercise by taking long walks maintaining my routine 30 minute runs each day over the Christmas period.

I will be singing my heart out on Christmas Eve as a tenor in the church choir – I don’t dread Christmas, I love it – what I have come to recognise is that what I dread, is letting myself down again, in my interactions with those whom I love over Christmas.

This Christmas, having planned a strategy to take care of my emotional needs, I am determined to succeed.

I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and a life of being present throughout 2016.

My next blog will be: Body and Mind

William Defoe

 

 

 

 

 

 

Echoes of my Mind

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I have a small scar on my hand from an incident which occurred at school when I was 11 years old.

The scar does not hurt me at all, but it is a reminder of the time that my hand was caught in the buckle of my friends coat – an insignificant incident, which I remember because of the mark which it has left on my skin.

More troublesome are the mental scars, which continue to call on my inner voice for attention and healing – these I think of as Echoes of my Mind.

These Echoes of my Mind trouble me because their presence remind me of a past way of being, which I would prefer to forget, and every now and then, unlike the scar on my hand, they cause me intense pain.

I am learning, through my development to welcome their presence, they are a valid part of what makes me the man that I am today, and to lose sight of my journey, would devalue my ability to be present.

My challenge to self is to welcome the pain, feel it, embrace it, reassure it and simply be with it while the moments pass and the Echoes of My Mind return again to an undulating ripple, or pulse, which support me onward on my journey in life.

My next blog will be: Christmas Dread

William Defoe

 

 

Tormented Soul

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I have been experiencing troubled anxious feelings to the point of torment.

I have suffered in this way for many years but now I have a much greater capacity to recognise these feelings, keep them close, perhaps hidden would be a better description, while I work from within to overcome them.

I know that my tormented soul is a product of my past experiences of frustration and fear but in the present these feelings speak to me of a hopeful future.

I am calmer and I welcome the opportunity that my feelings bring to me to deepen my knowledge of self and work towards overcoming the torment by changing from within the impact of the narrative on my life.

Last week was an important birthday for my wife and we went away together for the weekend. I was stressed at work, frustrated with a conversation that I had held with my boss, angry over the actions of a member of my team, full of cold and fed up.

I was surprised though by my capacity to hold it in. I was able to find odd moments of time to focus of my torment whilst on the surface having a genuinely lovely time with my wife.

This is a significant shift in my journey of self love and self knowledge because until recent years I would have not been able to separate the two elements and the weekend and my marriage would have suffered as a result.

During this week, the issues that caused me problems at work have moved on – I have moved on and the tormented soul has survived to tell the tale!

My next blog will be: Echoes of my MInd

William Defoe

I Want

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I seem to be in the midst of a deep longing which despite all my efforts I am unable to silence.

I recognise that these longings don’t need to be silenced, they need to be heard.

So what are they?

I want my Mum, I want my Dad

These words come to mind so often and they don’t make sense to me. I able to see my elderly parents whenever I want to so what is at the heart of my longing.

I ponder and I think this is cry from inside for comfort, for my need to feel safe – I never quite feel safe. Perhaps I have things to say and I have not found the words I want to say and time may be short.

I want to feel loved

Oh dear, think man, you are loved by so many family and friends and this is demonstrated by them in oh so many ways.

I want to feel liked

Oh that old nugget. Sometimes it is clear that people like me and sometimes it is not.

This is a key area for me to work on in my continued development of self because I will never be satisfied if I am continually in search of acceptance from the same people time and time again.

I want to change career

But think of the potential loss of income and think of those who depend on you for their financial security.

Think of the risk you would be taking giving up a career that you worked hard to qualify for and the risk that your dreams for something different may not be fulfilling in the way you expect.

I want to feel closer to my faith

Then make time for it. Perhaps a little space for prayer each day and a longer spell on a retreat at a centre in the New Year.

So, I want, I want, I want

And, I will listen, listen and listen

I will find new ways to respond to the call from within me to understand my needs because everything is possible, whenever I create within me, a space for compassion, gentleness, patience and resolve.

My next blog will be: Tormented Soul

William Defoe