Throughout the last three years of my inward journey, supported by Integral Coaching techniques, I have grown my inward capacity to cope with the world and my place within it.

I have developed a technique to “point in” to the source of pain on any given day of my life, but not be crushed by it, as I was in the past.

Whenever I feel some hurt arise in my mind, I seek first of all to experience an expansiveness of the present moment so that when I “point in” to the source of my pain, or happiness, or anxiety or dreams and hopes, I experience them with a background of some balance.

At this moment in time, I am experiencing some deep concern for my wife and my adult children, for which relationships are strained, and my awareness of it has felt like it is hopeless and a mess and too difficult to cope with.

There is a feeling in me that wants to run, run away from the source of the pain, but I know that won’t solve anything, so instead I ask myself, what can I do, incrementally, if I “point in?”

As I do so, I feel overwhelmed, so to illustrate expansive thinking, I say, this is big work, this will take time, this will take many upward steps and I can expect some backward steps too along the way, but I am going to make a start, I am going to try, I am going to share outwardly the journey of my soul.

I will do this by “pointing in” (reflectively), thinking, breathing, running, praying and then outwardly by making connections, making myself available to listen, to soothe, to ask questions, to love, love and love again to turn this ship round from the tempestuous and dangerous waters it is in to calmer seas.

My next blog will be: Breathless

William Defoe

I was reminded recently when I found myself in queuing traffic out side a Veterinary Surgery about a dog my grandmother had when I was a young teenager.

The dog, a black Labrador, called Cindy, knew the street on which the vet had his/her practice and she would sit on the ground at the end of the street absolutely refusing to budge.

I can see her now, and it makes me laugh, being dragged by her lead but moving only inches as her bottom trailed on the floor – poor thing!

I remember teasing her in the house, by saying out loud “vet” whether I had her attention or not, and she would dart behind the sofa and shake with fear, much to general amusement – we adored her and she was very much loved and looked after, I assure you.

This concept of being “dragged” somewhere we would prefer not to go, fascinates me – it has connotations with the Easter Season too which is pertinent at this time particularly for Christians.

It speaks of resisting something that is potentially good for us in the longer term, but which has short term discomfort e.g. a visit to the dentist for a filling etc and yet we often invent and create delaying tactics to leave the problem to fester until it literally becomes unbearable.

In Cindy’s case, my Grandma would give her a mild sedative in advance of a visit to the vets to calm her down.

Of course, we too can take medication to calm our anxieties and fears, and I have been known to do just that.I have a stash at the ready if I have need of them, but I have come to realise that facing into our fears and examining them, “even from the end of the street” is preferable to being dragged, unwilling, closed, fearful to confront our problems.

Gradually in focusing on the problems I have had, with tiny steps, and the odd tendency to jolt behind a lamppost, I have emerged with a steady footfall towards my goal, of a life in the present, a life a calm, a life of peace, a life which is able to cope with what life throws at me and no longer being crushed by it

My next blog will be: Secret Garden

William Defoe

I have often heard visitors to Catholic Masses refer to the strange ritual of standing and kneeling and sitting with the responses spoken out by the congregation which are spoken out on the whole off by heart.

In November 2011, the Catholic Church in England and Wales, introduced new liturgical responses to the Mass for the priest and faithful.

They took quite a while to get used to, because the old responses had been around for nearly 50 years  i.e from around the time I was born.

Occasionally, even though I now know the new responses off by heart,  I will speak out the old ones, and it is usually when I am perhaps not concentrating on being present, perhaps because my mind has wandered to other issues.

At roughly the same time as the church changed its liturgical responses, I acknowledged to those whom I love, that I needed a change in response in my life.

A change from a reactive, painful, hurtful existence, to a place of calm, self love, peace, a life in the present with the prospect of a happier future.

I intended to make this change, within the current structure of my life, so remaining in my marriage, despite being gay, and remaining faithful to my deep-held Catholic faith, despite finding myself at odds over time with the quality of its welcome to those who have alternative lifestyles.

Last week at a service I noticed again that I called out the wrong response – it feels odd when everyone else around me was saying the correct response.

This made me reflect on how with change, we layover an old narrative, a new narrative, but for this change to be maintained we have to be present with it and vigilant.

I have found in my life, that when the old narrative breaks through, it is to be welcomed, listened to, because it is a voice from the heart of self, asking for me to consider an aspect of self all afresh once more.

My next blog will be: Dragged

William Defoe

A few weeks ago I received a text message from my brother informing me that he had been out for lunch with my adult daughter, that she had been delightful, and that I must be so proud of her.

The impact on me of the message, was felt as a tension in my body, and a confusion in the mind bordering on annoyance.

There has been a disconnect with my daughter, and unresolved issues from how I behaved as a parent during her teenage years to manage her temperament, and my brother knows full well the trouble that exists between us.

His message, irritated me, but rather than hold on to the anger, which even writing this post does not make sense, I was determined to feel into his sentiment.

Was he interfering in my own relationship with my daughter?, or, was he trying to tell me something new about her that he had discovered?.

In the meantime no other communication passed between us, he lives in a different city and I am not always in touch with him, but I did see my daughter on several occasions, most latterly at a family birthday at which I perceived she had upset her sister.

Later that evening, I picked up the telephone and I called her to say I was hurt that she had been mean to her sister, and that I feared for future family unity in the years ahead if all of us did not take a different course.

I acknowledged to her the pain I had caused her as a father struggling to cope with managing her change into adulthood, my sense of failure at work, my sense of failure in my marriage, my sense of failure as a provider.

I explained to her that I had been investing time in recent years, in changing my inner narrative to a life in the present, a life of calm and that I had tried very hard to shake off the old narrative.

In a two hour phone call, she told me that she had noticed the change, she explained her relationship with her sister and assured me that I had misunderstood a more complex situation.

She told me that I had not to be concerned for the past, acknowledging her own temperament and assuring me that she held no hard feelings about my parenting during those years.

We said that we would meet more often on a 1:1 and have more opportunities to talk and get to know each other – she said I don’t think you know me as the person I have become.

After the call, she sent to me a text message in which she said that she had appreciated my opening up to her and she told me “I love you”

At last, I understood the message that my brother had sent to me a few weeks ago when he said “You Must Be So Proud Of Her”

I am!

My next blog will be: A Change in Response

William Defoe

“We might have just gone and had one look at it, Ratty – only one look – it was close by – but you wouldn’t turn back, Ratty, you wouldn’t turn back! O dear, O dear.”

[Extract from Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame]

These words, taken from one of my favourite books, were said by Mole to his dear friend Rat, after Rat, pushing ahead to get home, ignored the pleas of Mole to stop and take a look at his old home.

I was reminded strongly of this particular passage last weekend, when having made a decision, following much reflection, to direct my development outwardly, I was able to be present with the pain and anguish of my wife in respect of some difficulties, the origins of which are firmly in the past.

Like Rat, I have in recent years, come to terms with my past suffering, and I have been reluctant to engage with it from the perspective of others.

In my current phase of development, like Ratty with Mole, I turned back and inquired of my wife what was causing her so much hurt.

I noticed how calm I was, as I asked her the question, sitting directly opposite her as her words of anguish about our current situation, brought about by a feeling that she had lacked my support during difficult phases of our children s upbringing were punctuated with intense emotion.

I held onto her arms and looked into her tear filled eyes and acknowledged her pain, I accepted its truth without trying to explain it or give my version of the events which she related, I just nodded and soothed to say that it was good that these feelings had at last surfaced between us in this way.

We held each other close, and we remained silent for a while, before making preparation to go out for the evening with friends.

I was not crushed by her feelings as I feared that I would be, I felt a deep compassion for her which I hope will never leave me.

Like Ratty and Mole, perhaps in being honest and open with our feelings, especially our feelings about the past, we will be able to move forward to a present which is filled with the promise of a more loving and supportive future.

My next blog will be: “You Must be Very Proud”

William Defoe

Late last week, I took a five hour drive to visit my coach, for a much look forward to visit.

On the long drive, I had an opportunity to think about the issues which are prevalent in my mind at this moment in time, having sent to her a written update the previous evening.

The motion in the car, and the physical and routine demands of driving, and the hum of the engine and flow of the traffic, provided me with driving momentum in my capacity to be in the present with those issues which came into my mind.

By the time I had arrived at my accommodation in the late evening, in advance of my coaching session the following day, I had arrived at some important conclusions on how I was going to act next in respect of a couple of family problems which have been very difficult in the last few weeks. 

I have been feeling hurt that my wife has not noticed the changes that are profound within me, and her inability to acknowledge that change has been making me question seriously whether our marriage could be sustained.

In the car, I thought about how my focus on self over the last three years had been an inward focus, designed to change the impulsive and destructive mode of response to problems which I had encountered in my life.

The narrative of my journey has been “I” and I pondered on my journey what it would be like if I was to change the word in future to “We”.

As I sat reading my journals and preparation notes in the evening, I came across the notes I had taken from a conversation with my coach which we had held in November, in which this concept of the “I” narrative of my development had been discussed.

I understood that the driving momentum had brought forth within me, a fuller understanding of the words which had lacked impact at the time I had wrote them down.

The intention to shift the emphasis of my journey, to an outward and empathetic narrative may just be the means by which my wife is able to see at last, the inward transformation which I so want her to share.

My next blog will be: Ratty and Mole

William Defoe

Here in the UK, a debate is steadily building momentum in respect of whether this country should remain in the European Union (EU).

Those wanting to leave the EU are said to be in favour or Brexit (British Exit).

There is a level of dis-satisfaction with the EU and its bureaucracy and dodgy politics, its extravagance and irrelevance, its interference and its compromises which I share and this tends me to lean towards voting to get out.

But then there is the familiarity, the decades of peace, the friendship, the investment, the inclusiveness and shared values and the risk of losing something bigger that the sum of its parts if the UK was to leave the EU.

This confusion in respect of whether I should support Brexit or not reminds me of the ongoing struggle I have with finding the will to make a change to the unfortunate and unhappy realities of some aspects of my life.

Has my same sex attraction, its suppression for many years, and now my admission of its truth to my wife three years ago, made my marriage unworkable?

Would all concerned be better served if the relationship was secured under new arrangements outside of being married?.

The answers to these questions feel to me like a momentous step – as we are being told with Brexit – a vote for a step into the dark, the unknown, the unfamiliar, a decision that the UK will come to regret.

However, it is also true that with  Brexit, it is quite possible that the release would be liberating, thrilling, a new start, the  dawn of new possibilities.

My head tells me to vote for Brexit, my heart tells me that the UK is better to remain in the EU.

My head tells me to break out of my marriage (sometimes); but my heart and my soul want me to recognise that I am part of something special, part of something wonderful, despite the problems, which is something worth holding onto, something worth fighting to keep.

My next blog will be : Driving Momentum

William Defoe

I have been to watch a couple of lower league football matches for the first time in my life.

I was struck by the enthusiasm of the small numbers of supporters for each team and the proximity of the seating areas to the pitch.

This grassroots football has an energy and a dynamic which surprised me and I think, on reflection, that it was because supporters were able to interact with players by calling out in support of them.

The banter between opposing fans was in the most part, friendly, personal, witty and honest made me feel a deep connection to the intensity and desire for their humble teams to succeed.

The sounds were not lost in the roar of a full capacity stadium, at grassroots, you could see and hear the breath of the players, hear the appeals for the ball, sense the energy and the effort and the fatigue which the players were experiencing towards the end of the game.

This grassroots football  reminded me of what it is like to connect with, and be a part of, something bigger than self.

I had a sense of self, being in full connection with the space occupied by the supporters in the terraces, and also the players on the pitch, and the staff in the kiosks and turnstiles.

I found it helpful to connect with a new experience, to be reminded that I am connected to the environment I occupy, not in isolation, but in a sequence of individuals who  share a passion for grassroots football, who share a passion for living, who share a passion for celebrating success and if necessary, supporting each other in defeat.

My next blog will be: Brexit

William Defoe

“I don’t know if we each have a destiny or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze but I think maybe it is both – both happening at the same time.” Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks)

Throughout my life, I have experienced periods of conflict.

In recent years, I have been drawn to new ways of thinking, and one of the ways I experience the deepest healing is when I come across phrases which speak of opposing positions which have found a way to co-exist side by side.

Conflict…… my inner conflict, was as a result of lacking the capacity to think expansively, and of being too reactive to a narrow view of the world, seen through a prism of conditioning rather than my truth.

Expansive thought has enabled me to grow in appreciation for light and shade, noise and solitude, laughter and tears, hope and despair and to welcome these feelings into my soul with an acceptance of what is possible, even in the same moment and yet, even then having room to breathe.

When Forrest Gump alluded to his view that destiny and floating around were happening to him both at the same time, he had arrived at that understanding through the experience of losing his wife, but at the same time experiencing intense joy of nurturing his young son.

I too have experienced my life through a prism that my birth-right bestowed on me a certain kind of destiny and that anything which I experienced which was in conflict with this expectation hurt me and as a result I caused pain to those around me.

I have experienced growth in recent years, because I have been able to allow my truth to float around and speak itself to me and to be heard and acknowledged and loved.

At the current time, but quite possibly subject to an adjustment in the future, my destiny has remained pretty much intact because it is also my truth, but in allowing myself to embrace and love both, I have liberated myself from despair to hope.

My next blog will be: Grassroots

William Defoe.

I have been asking self:-

• when will all my efforts to change be noticed by those whom I love?
• when will I feel forgiven for the errors I have made in the past?

I have had answers to these questions for quite some time but I have fallen into a perpetual habit of “efforting” to develop and change and to keep proving to self that the changes I have made are permanent.

They are not permanent, and it is well that this is so, because permanence points to a fixed place from which the journey onward has lost its capacity to contract and grow.

I am about to attend my next face to face coaching session later this week and I am looking forward to discussing a concept of the arc of time with my coach which we discussed briefly quite recently.

This is an opportunity for me to point into my development as a cycle, a rhythm of life which is less focused on the effort, and the anxious need for affirmation, but more about an undulating journey on which I learn to appreciate that the arc of time brings gifts and healing and hope.

I feel tired, exhausted after over three years of intense focus on self which has laid me wide open to the new and wonderful opportunities of living my life in the present.

I am in need of rest, so that I can enjoy the fruits of my efforts without worrying whether I have done enough or whether those who love me think I have.

My next blog will be: Destiny or Floating Around

William Defoe