Earlier this week I had the pleasure of visiting a German Market which has been created for the Christmas season in one of our big UK cities.

My wife and I queued in the rain to gain access to the beer tent where on gaining access we were greeted by the most raucous joyous atmosphere that I can remember being a part of for a very long time.

We stood to the side of the long tables with our steins of beer packed with revelers of all ages who were drinking and singing and swaying and laughing and having enormous fun. I felt overwhelmed by the spectacle in front of me but quite separate from it. I could have joined in but I wanted to be a spectator of this scene.

I felt in that moment very aware of the pain  and anguish that I have carried in my life but its presence in my thoughts at that happy time were a feeling of pain that although passed has left a deep scar which demands to be acknowledged.

I acknowledge and honour the pains and sadness of my life but in that German Market I united with the revelers in being present to the joy of being a part of something bigger than us all and I sang my heart out with the rest of them after refilling our steins!

Happy Christmas! – God Bless the people of the UK and of Germany too!

My next blog will be: Faking It!

William Defoe

I was recently walking alone along a busy road in one of our big cities when I heard a young woman say to her friend as I passed “He looks Gay!”

I could not be certain that the comments were in reference to me, but I was wearing a rather trendy jacket with the collar up across my face with a bit of scarf showing through and a gorgeous pair of woolly gloves so I decided I’d take the comments as my own! 

What struck me about the comments were that they were absolutely true and yet I walk in this world most of the time hiding my truth. I feel invisible even to my family and friends but not to my wife because she knows my truth.

There was a time when I would have been absolutely crushed that messages about me that I wanted to suppress were somehow being picked up.

On this occasion I wanted to shout out – “yes I am Gay and thanks for noticing” – “thanks a lot love for noticing my truth!”

My next blog will be: German Market

William Defoe

Recently as I waved my wife off on a trip to London with her friend, for a birthday treat which I had provided for her, I experienced a very sudden rush of tears as the train left the station and disappeared from my sight.

I was struck by the suddenness of the emotion and perhaps, like me, you carry a secret anguish that means that tears are never far away – suppressed even, but on this occasion the tears were not from that place so why did I cry?

I forced myself to think about why I had cried. She was only going for the day and I wasn’t concerned about her safety etc –  I realised that the tears sprang from my witnessing her happiness as she waved goodbye.

Her gratitude and her love in that brief moment as I waved goodbye to her, told me that one of the ways that I can experience happiness is to treat her well, as she deserves, and spend the day looking forward to her embrace on her return.

I dried my eyes – “have a good day my love” – I’ll be stood on the platform tonight to welcome you home.

My next blog will be – He looks Gay!

William Defoe

Earlier this year at the end of May, I visited Westward Ho with my wife and daughter for a few days.

Westward Ho is situated in North Devon facing westwards to the Atlantic Ocean and I was surprised to learn that the town is named after the title of a very famous novel of the same name by Charles Kingsley rather, than as I had thought, the town name being an inspiration for the author.

This blog is about how during my visit I experienced a very deep calm by “painting” with pencils.

On arriving on holiday I realised that I had forgotten my watercolours which was a shame because I had hoped to find a little spot on which to paint the magnificent sea and vast expanse of sand which I recall having seen on a previous day long visit to Westward Ho a few years ago.

After a few days of dodging the showers and visiting other local beauty spots at ilfracombe; Woolacombe; Bude and Clovelly and the funicular at  Lynton and Lynmouth with my daughter who then left us after a long weekend with us, I felt a bit at a loose end and my wife suggested that I buy some paper and colouring pencils.

My wife has recognised that when I am employed in painting a watercolour she senses that I experience a calm that she is acutely aware of. I was not sure that substituting paints for pencils would have the same effect but I became engrossed in the beautiful scene.

It is a feeling of losing oneself in the midst of an activity which is on the one hand occupying the mind in translating what I see on the page but at the same time experiencing an enriching assault on all the senses of sight, sound, touch and smell.

My wife says that when I read, I don’t concentrate for long, but when I paint my breathing is calmer, the continuing inward struggle of my life is calmed and she loves the effect that the experience has on me.

As I emerge from my occupation, I sense that she is watching me so I hold out my pencil as if I am engaged in some marvelously technical aspect to do with perspective and light and shade – I laugh and she laughs too realising that I am back with her having been lost to art.

I must also say that I experience a pride in my drawings / paintings not because they are particularly good, rather perhaps that in their imperfections there is a reflection of my truth because the work is of me and it is an honest interpretation of what I have experienced in that calming hour and a momento for me of my short stay in Westward Ho!

If like me you struggle to find peace of mind, ask Father Christmas for some paper; paints and brushes and a set of pencils too – just in case!!

My next blog will be:   Why did I cry as I waved goodbye?

William Defoe

Dear Daughter

Preparing for this post has brought back painful memories for me.

I also realise that by looking back over the times I have failed you as a parent by reacting strongly to contain your beautiful and vibrant nature, I overlook to blend in the many times when I was good.

I have come to realise through my own journey of self discovery and self acceptance for bringing my own truth to the world, that I am able to recognise your truth as well.

You are different to me, but you are essentially of me!

I had always thought that I was trying to bring you up as a replica of myself in relation to an outlook on life and particularly in matters of faith. It was all so clear to me, how it was going to be and when you started to challenge that perspective I reacted strongly to contain you.

I allowed you, my dear precious darling daughter to become estranged from me in ways of thinking and being. We were awkward and argumentative in each others presence, but worse by far were the periods of silence – at least when we shouted at each other we were connecting – in the silence, the gulf between us seemed unbridgeable and I have mourned so much over your loss to me. I thought you were lost to me forever. I was wrong.

You moved into your own life and at first I grieved when you left home, but you were the one with the strength of conviction to say “I will stand on my own two feet”. You created for us both, some space to grow and understand ourselves and each other.

I have learned to accept you for being who you are – beautiful, smart, clever and energetic with a youthful zest for life, You seem happy, and oh that makes me so happy! – how can I not be happy when you are happy?

Dear daughter I am so proud of you and all that you have achieved and all that you will go onto achieve in the life that you choose to lead – I rejoice when I catch on to the difference in the way that you express yourself – I laugh inside that I can accept this – there is nothing bad about you – you are simply being wonderful you!

I had wanted you to conform, as I had done to the expectations of your family.

I rejected my truth to conform to the expectations of others and I was desperately unhappy.

I risked, through my behaviour towards you at times, of condemning you to the same fate – but you stood up to me and said NO!

For a number of years we managed between us, to spoil all the special times by alienating each other in our battle of will. It was difficult to look forward to anything.

Now I am able to delight in your difference. At your core is everything I hoped that you would be, but you are deliciously unique and oh so special and I rejoice in your truth.

Last week you sent to me a text that ended with the words “Lots of Love” – it was in response to my agreement to your request for help which I was delighted to give. You said that I had provided the means for you to experience something on your “bucket list” (Aren’t I supposed to be the one with the bucket list?) – I have given freely before, but never have I felt the warmth of your gratitude for it like I did last week.

I cried – I read it again and again and I cried and I cried because I think dear daughter, you are coming back to me with your love, which I thought for so long, that I had lost.

My next blog will be: Westward Ho!

William Defoe

In my most recent post I referred to a book by Parker J. Palmer entitled “Let Your Life Speak”

I refer you to it once again in this short blog in respect of a very particular aspect in which the author relates his life to the four seasons;

Autumn – a season of great beauty, but also of decline – a paradox of both dying and seeding.

Winter – a season of deep rest, a time of renewal, discipline and utter clarity

Spring – a season of rebirth, green shoots, a thaw in relationships, procreation

Summer – a season of abundance, community, a realisation of  our hopes.

Parker J Palmer’s explanation of the seasons in his life are marvelous and very thought provoking, and here is how I have responded to his premise that our lives can be lived in seasons.

Notice that I have not mentioned the weather, and neither really does he. Our lives, especially those of us who are managing an inner conflict, will be a mixture of light and shadow in all the seasons of our lives.

I have been impressed by the notion that the seasons can pretty easily categorized in the context of our whole life  – we are born – we live – we love – we lose – we love again – we die

I have been further impressed by this new notion that is explained by Parker J Palmer that we can live out the four seasons in any order in a day; a week in a month or in the time in takes us to emerge from a thought with a resolve to respond to it in the way that we chose to do.

Let me explain how I have tried to use the seasons to explain my thoughts and feelings.

My Autumn – great blowing winds that tossed me between all manner of indecision and fear, and yet an emerging recognition that I would have to change/adapt the foundations on which my life had been built. This churning of thought, and indecisiveness, kept me restless and anxious and fearful for many years, but during that time  my old way of living was slowly dying and a new truth was sown.

My Winter – In the days before I acknowledged to the world my homosexuality, after years of suppressing the truth of my feelings, I came to a place from which a great calm and clarity emerged, where, uncertain of the outcome, I had to communicate my truth to those who loved me.

My Spring – I communicated my truth and received the support of my wife and brother, they in turn helped me to seek professional help through coaching to help me accept myself after years of self-rejection and shame. The seeds I had sown in My Autumn were developing green shoots which pushed through the hard soil of my fear and hurt.

My Summer – Married and Gay; Catholic and Gay; Living in the Present, accepted and loved by those close to me in the full knowledge of my truth; learning to accept and love my full self – abundance at last – a reward for My Autumn storms, My Winter calm; and My Spring growth.

I like to live in seasons every day  – by this I mean learning to cope with inner conflict; regret, anxiety, fear, sadness, failure, disappointment, stress and emerging from these aspects in shadow and light so that at least in some part of the day an old destructive thought has succumbed to the green shoots of change and happiness.

My next blog will be    Dear Daughter…

William Defoe

As part of the Integral Coaching Therapy that I have undertaken since I began to accept my gay sexuality I was asked to read a short book by Parker J Palmer titled “Let Your Life Speak” – it had a very profound and emotional impact on me.

The book deals essentially with the authors search for “vocation” and how his neglect of addressing the needs of self lead in his life to very dark periods of depression and isolation from which he gradually emerges into a place of light.

My own experience of suffering has not resulted in the very severe depression which Parker J Palmer experienced but the idea of searching for self resonates deeply with me and my life has been blighted, until now, with feelings of anger, isolation, fear, self-loathing, inner conflict and resentment of those who love me and do not understand my pain.

At the start of this wonderful little book is the following poem by William Stafford

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me / mistakes I have made. Ask me whether / what I have done is my life. Others / have come in their slow way into / my thought, and some have tried to help/ or to hurt: ask me what difference / their strongest love or hate has made

I will listen to what you say. / You and I can turn and look / at the silent river and wait. We know / the current is there, hidden; and there / are comings and goings from miles away / that hold the stillness exactly before us. / What the river says, that is what I say.

The phrase itself “Let Your Life Speak” comes from an old Quaker saying which the author explains as “Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you”

As a young man, desperate to conform to the expectations I had of myself and of my family and faith community, I never really listened to what my head and heart were trying to tell me. I explain this now as having a lack of maturity, but I think I simply blocked out the truth of self because the truth about my gay sexuality was unpalatable and did not fit with what I was planning to do with my life  – marriage/children/community service/faithful to my Catholic faith.

For many years, as my inner self fought desperately to reveal itself from the place I had suppressed it to, I experienced years of isolation and anger and a feeling of being trapped – to reveal the truth would hurt my wife and children and I did not want to lose them.

Those of you who have read earlier posts of mine will recall that in November 2012, after suffering deep pain and anxiety I decided I had to tell my wife of the inner turmoil I had suffered from. I feared her rejection, but I had come to the point where I had to “Let my Life Speak” whatever the consequences.

I found love and acceptance from my wife, but this was not guaranteed and I continue to experience periods of darkness and light as I struggle to understand the cause of my inability to recognise the truth of my feelings when I was young.

I marvel at our young people today, who are able to express their sexuality openly and without fear. 

If you are suppressing your truth, find a quiet place to listen to what your life is telling you to do. Over a period of time, you will find a place of calm from which you will feel empowered to communicate your true self.

My next blog will be: The Seasons

William Defoe

Earlier this month a historic synod convened in Rome which came to consider the responses made by clergy and laity to a survey on the family which had been issued by Pope Francis earlier in the years to diocese all over the world.

I am 50 years old and even as a young man in the mid 1980’s I was aware that there was a widening disconnect between the teaching of the church and the attitudes of those like me who have remained active members of the church, and those who fell away from the practice of their faith in attendance at Mass.

In recent years following years of struggle with my homosexuality which I rejected as being somehow a scourge on who and what I was meant to be – I was wrong –  I have come to a place of acceptance that my sexuality is not a sin and in no way should I have ever felt it was appropriate for me to suppress it in order to conform to what was expected of me

The church is slowly moving to acknowledging that a persons sexuality does not preclude them from sharing in the Good News given to us by Christ in his ministry on earth, his brutal crucifixion and redeeming resurrection.

Pope Francis is reputed to be on the side of greater openness within the church for acceptance of homosexuality and although this opening synod did not fully back the wording of the text to be more open to homosexuals, it did open the door more more discussion before the closing synod next October.

I am not asking for the church to change its teaching on the issues such as gay marriage – I don’t actually support the marriage of two people of the same sex within church but I do support civil partnerships perhaps blessed by the church – but I want the church to open its doors to everyone who chooses to be a Catholic regardless of their sexual orientation.

As Pope Francis said recently – “Who am I to judge if a gay person seeks God with a sincere heart”

I have suffered terribly throughout most of my adult life over what to do about feelings I had in respect of my attraction to men. I prayed for these feelings to be lifted from me – now I am learning to celebrate these feelings, whilst remaining faithful in my marriage to my amazing wife, without judgement and fear. I am being open to God and to the world as He made me and my faith in the teachings of the Catholic Church are stronger for being able to bring all of my gifts to the church.

In a poem written by St Thomas Aquinas (1225 1274) as published in Love Poems from God, Daniel Ladinsky (see my earlier blog) there is a quote as follows:-

“Whenever He looks at you

God sees nothing in us that He has not given

Everything is empty until He places

what he wishes into it”

My next blog will be: Let your life speak

William Defoe

Each morning after I awaken I reach out for a collection of poems that is permanently situated at the side of my bed – these poems edited by Daniel Ladinsky are a collection of twelve sacred voices from East and West entitled “Love Poems from God”

This is my favourite written by St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274)

THE CHRIST SAID

The Christ said to us,

“I have cut you from a garden I tend and set you in a vase for the world to see.

Soon you will return, for your glorious presence I miss.

My hands need to touch you again, my divine sense and eyes require your soul’s beauty near.

Forgive me, my love, for the suffering our separation brought.

If I said I am in debt to you, could you understand?”

This beautiful verse touches me deeply because during the years of my marriage as I suppressed my homosexuality and was tormented, i somehow kept my faith in Christ. This poem help me to realise that to be faithful to a faith or an ideal or a community, I must first of all recognise myself as an individual.

During the two years since I informed my wife of my torment and experienced her love and support as I came to terms with my sexuality and accepted it as a significant part of what I have brought to the world, I have become more aware that a separation between me and my God has existed over many years.

The idea that God has mourned my absence is profound because it has allowed me to say to Him, I rejected and suppressed the gifts which you gave to me and now, in bringing them to Him and also to the world ,as an individual, made in His image and likeness, He asks forgiveness from me for the suffering our separation brought.

I like this idea because I have no intention of asking for His forgiveness for being a homosexual. I have carried a burden because I tried to conform to what I thought my family and the Church expected from me. I have learned that it is good to conform to an ideal and a faith but only if I am allowed first and foremost to be an individual with all my special gifts.

So through a difficult life, transformed now through an openness to the world, I have managed to keep my faith but I have loosened my bondage to the ideals of blind conformity to my church which I love.

In another poem written by St Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274), he writes:-

“God sees nothing in us that He has not given.

Everything is empty until He places what He wishes into it”

If you are suppressing your truth in the hope of conforming to an ideal, let these words encourage you to bring yourself whole as an individual to the places that you choose to conform to as I have tried to do, and find comfort in the love and support of others and if faith is part of your truth, then yes also from God.

My next blog will be: Catholic Synod

William Defoe

Over the weekend a very popular local radio presenter Simon Hirst announced to the world that he had changed his name to Stephanie by deed poll and that he is going to undergo a sex change next year.

I marvel at his ability and capacity to be true to self and bring all of his qualities to the world.

The radio presenter had given up his radio show last year in a surprise decision because he with this co-presenters were a very popular breakfast time show, however, it was said briefly that Simon Hirst had decided to leave for family reasons.

The 39 year old radio presenter explained over the last weekend in a radio show that he had informed his mother of his transsexual feelings just before she died last year and that he has now also spoken to his father who respects his sons choices.

This is the important part of this short blog for me – Simon Hirst has brought his truth to himself and to the world and he will experience levels of acceptance and rejection – this is the risk that we all take when we bring truth especially when our truth is different to those around us.

There are those of us who will scoff at the choice he has made and those of us who will embrace his truth – many are calling for him to be re-instated to his radio show as Stephanie

I am very conscious of the deep pain that Simon Hirst will have suffered in handling his feelings privately most likely to himself all of his adult life – I relate to that because I suppressed my gay sexuality for 25 years of marriage due to a fear that i would experience rejection

The most important part of Simon’s journey and also of my own is not really the acceptance of others, important as that is – no, it is the capacity to accept yourself and to bring your truth to the world.

With respect I call Simon his chosen name of Stephanie and I offer him all the best wishes for his future as a woman – he is in my prayers.

If you are struggling to bring all your qualities to the world, seek help and support to enable you to accept your truth and then you will find the strength to bring all of you  – beautiful you – to the world.

My next blog will be:  Love Poems from God

William Defoe