Preparing for this post has brought back painful memories for me.
I also realise that by looking back over the times I have failed you as a parent by reacting strongly to contain your beautiful and vibrant nature, I overlook to blend in the many times when I was good.
I have come to realise through my own journey of self discovery and self acceptance for bringing my own truth to the world, that I am able to recognise your truth as well.
You are different to me, but you are essentially of me!
I had always thought that I was trying to bring you up as a replica of myself in relation to an outlook on life and particularly in matters of faith. It was all so clear to me, how it was going to be and when you started to challenge that perspective I reacted strongly to contain you.
I allowed you, my dear precious darling daughter to become estranged from me in ways of thinking and being. We were awkward and argumentative in each others presence, but worse by far were the periods of silence – at least when we shouted at each other we were connecting – in the silence, the gulf between us seemed unbridgeable and I have mourned so much over your loss to me. I thought you were lost to me forever. I was wrong.
You moved into your own life and at first I grieved when you left home, but you were the one with the strength of conviction to say “I will stand on my own two feet”. You created for us both, some space to grow and understand ourselves and each other.
I have learned to accept you for being who you are – beautiful, smart, clever and energetic with a youthful zest for life, You seem happy, and oh that makes me so happy! – how can I not be happy when you are happy?
Dear daughter I am so proud of you and all that you have achieved and all that you will go onto achieve in the life that you choose to lead – I rejoice when I catch on to the difference in the way that you express yourself – I laugh inside that I can accept this – there is nothing bad about you – you are simply being wonderful you!
I had wanted you to conform, as I had done to the expectations of your family.
I rejected my truth to conform to the expectations of others and I was desperately unhappy.
I risked, through my behaviour towards you at times, of condemning you to the same fate – but you stood up to me and said NO!
For a number of years we managed between us, to spoil all the special times by alienating each other in our battle of will. It was difficult to look forward to anything.
Now I am able to delight in your difference. At your core is everything I hoped that you would be, but you are deliciously unique and oh so special and I rejoice in your truth.
Last week you sent to me a text that ended with the words “Lots of Love” – it was in response to my agreement to your request for help which I was delighted to give. You said that I had provided the means for you to experience something on your “bucket list” (Aren’t I supposed to be the one with the bucket list?) – I have given freely before, but never have I felt the warmth of your gratitude for it like I did last week.
I cried – I read it again and again and I cried and I cried because I think dear daughter, you are coming back to me with your love, which I thought for so long, that I had lost.
My next blog will be: Westward Ho!