The last thing I do each morning as I leave for work, is to go to find my wife in which ever room she is in and give her a goodbye kiss.

Over the years I have sadly and foolishly often used this as a “weapon” by leaving the house without this ritual kiss of love as a way of communicating with her that things are unsettled between us.

In very many recent months of my journey of truth and self acceptance, there has been no gap, no matter how provoked I have felt, I have sought her out from under the hairdryer or the blusher brush or towel, to plant my kiss and say “goodbye love, have a nice day”.

I enjoy ending the kiss with a a kiss on her nose or woodpecker kisses on her lips or lingering on the kiss just beyond what is “normal” until she is forced to laugh.

Better still are the funny comments that I might add, such as “not now love, there isn’t time for all that” to her quick retort, “it doesn’t take you that long – are you sure?”

Last Tuesday, I was leaving for work and my wife was sat opposite me in the kitchen so I did not have to go look for her. As I walked over to her, she lifted her head in anticipation of my kiss. I kissed her, said “goodbye love, have a nice day” and walked to the door.

I turned around and called to her “In future, don’t pucker up for a kiss – my kisses are a gift, not a right”     (smile!)

My next blog will be: Shantytown

William Defoe

Last Saturday afternoon, whilst feeling a little lethargic, I slumped in front of the TV and watched a 1958 Western called “Cowboy” with Glenn Ford and Jack Lemmon in lead roles.

I haven’t watched a western since I was a young boy of about ten, and as I watched the film I recalled my younger brother by two years coming down to watch a western wearing his cowboy outfit, with guns holstered and stetson atop his head asking our Dad as the film started, “Who are the goodies and who are the baddies Dad?!”

As I sat watching the film last Saturday I was struck by the economic purpose of the cattle drive to Mexico and then back to Chicago and that the loss of beasts from the herd had a financial impact on those who had responsibility for it. I had thought it was all about cowboys (the goodies) shooting the Wild West Indians (the baddies).

This idea of seeing things afresh with clearer eyes speaks deeply to me of this current time in my life when as I confront my emotional difficulties, old understandings and rigid forms of interpretation of the world around me are constantly being challenged with a new openness and clarity which has at its source a deeper calm within me.   

So, I realise metaphorically that my old view of goodies and baddies is too simplistic and childlike and that on some level I have carried childlike rigid beliefs of right and wrong, good and bad and acceptable and not acceptable with me until now – my time of liberation and truth.

What will you watch to provoke within you, a response that will call on you to consider the world around you and the life within you with a new and liberating perspective!

My brother at 8 years old “Bang Bang – You’re Dead”

My response at 10 years old “No I’m not – you missed!”

My next blog will be “Goodbye Kiss”

William Defoe

About twelve months ago, my young adult daughter communicated a message to a member of our extended family which has caused me severe embarrassment and pain. (the message was not about me)

Although the matter was dealt with and an apology was offered by her and accepted, I continued to feel very hurt by her actions, in part because she has not acknowledged to me or her mother the pain which she has caused us.

In the last few months, a previously close relationship with the relatives whom had been offended, seemed to cool noticeably, to the extent that each week when we met at a shared event we stopped speaking.

I have tried though my Integral Coaching to accept “Living with Discomfort”  but I realised that it was becoming a titanic struggle within me. The discomfort was on two levels, the first with my disappointment over the comments my daughter had made and secondly over the coolness in the presence of my relatives which had previously been so warm.

After many weeks of struggling, last week, I walked over and explained to my relatives how sad I was feeling about the situation, I repeated my sadness over what had happened and how I continued to suffer from its effects. I feared a backlash in the form of a rebuke, but I was hugged and kissed warmly.

I told them that I am having to live in discomfort over my daughters actions and that at some point in the future, I hope that I will get an opportunity to speak with her about the wider impact of her actions, but I explained that the time is not right just now and it may be years before it is!

So, I have broken a cycle of pain and I have given and experienced in return deep healing.

I will continue to live in the discomfort of my hurt feelings whilst I continue the gradual healing journey with my daughter through never failing to show her how much she is loved – everyday!

My next blog will be: “Cowboy”

William Defoe

One of my past difficulties has been around being able to articulate a request from my family and allowing space for that request to flourish into a response, before I fell into an all too familiar mode of making my request sound like a demand.

It is an old pattern, which I am all too aware of, as I begin to notice on my journey of self-discovery that it is a strategy which has actually failed spectacularly, because invariably, I had to re-wind, apologise and start the whole process of making the same request again from a place of humility.

Recently, when discussing holiday plans for the coming year, I suggested that instead of a two week break in summer, I would prefer to have two separate weeks off work. One week just after the schools break up and one week at the end of summer just before schools re-open.

For once, I let the idea circulate for quite a few weeks, touching on my reasons every now again and making the case for change, in an attitude of openness and willingness to compromise, in fact willing to leave things as they have been previously settled.

To my surprise, my wife came around to the idea and we sat together a couple of weeks ago making some new plans – something for us both to look forward to.

After having paid deposits for two locations my wife shouted down to me as she climbed the stairs to bed “Thanks for booking the holidays – it feels right”

I shouted back up “Thanks love for hearing my request”

My next blog will be: Living with Discomfort

William Defoe

I was sad to hear that the wonderful Greek singer Demis Roussos has died at the age of 68 years old.

I can’t claim to be a massive fan, but as I watched his performances on You Tube I was very moved and here is why:-

1. I had not seen him perform since I was a child of perhaps 10 years old. I was reminded of the times when my Saturday night relaxation was watching Saturday evening entertainment with the dual treats of a fizzy drink and a bag of sweets, A time in my life when the origins of my later unhappiness were already sown but had not become a destructive force within me.

2. The voice of Demis Roussos, its accented English and its most beautifully high pitch touched my core as I listened to him – particularly “Forever and ever” which was a wonderful surprise because it was unexpected.

3. The uniqueness of Demis Roussos in the way in which he expressed himself in his clothes, the amazing Kaftan’s and boots together with his big physical qualities. This spoke to me of the uniqueness of all of us which we can sometimes lose in our efforts to conform to a belief or a familial or friendship group ideal to which we do not necessarily fit.

Demis Roussos died on the day in which the Greek people expressed their democratic right for change. They lost a dear son. May he rest in peace. God Bless all the people of Greece.

My next blog will be: Thank you for hearing my request

William Defoe

A couple of years ago, after I gave up some of my community voluntary work to enable me to concentrate on coming to terms with my gay sexuality, I started going to Evening Mass on a Tuesday.

This weekly ritual has taken on special significance in my life because my wife, who is not a Catholic comes with me and we sit together and hold hands during the short 30 minute service.

I have worked hard to reconcile my Catholic faith to my new found acceptance that I am as God made me and it is possible to be Gay and Catholic, and much to my surprise, Gay and Married (Heterosexually).

My journey to self acceptance is not a road to recovery – I have not been ill – I have been traumatised in the past by fear, isolation and self-rejection of a major element of what makes me special in the world.

I have discovered, through Integral Coaching, that in accepting my sexuality, I do not have to give up or lose another element of my truth i.e. my faith or my marriage.

Tuesday Mass has helped me to see that all elements of my truth are closely integrated and compatible in ways that I have spent a vast amount of my life, thinking they were not.

If like me, you have rejected an element of your truth, find some space (religious or otherwise) and a hand to hold so that you can bring yourself fully to the world.

My next blog will be: Demis Roussos

William Defoe

I write a diary everyday. At the foot of every A5 page is a quote which sometimes I notice, often I don’t, but I thought that yesterday’s quote was worthy of a post on my blog.

Here it is:-

“The moment the slave resolves that he will no longer be a slave, his fetters fall. Freedom and slavery are mental states”         Mahatma Gandhi

Of course, Gandhi here is referring to the reality faced by British rulers in India, that once the consent of the Indian people to British rule ended and turned to a quest for independence the momentum to achieve that goal was unstoppable.

I believe that each of us has a capacity to become enslaved to a belief, a fear or a rejection of our truth which has the capacity to enslave us.

When I eventually chose freedom over slavery in my own life I found the courage to bring the truth about my suppressed gay sexuality to my wife and some members of my family and I experienced liberation through their love and acceptance.

I accept that the outcome of my liberation from slavery may have been different, perhaps difficult, like it was for the Indian people in their quest for independence, but once the resolve is made to end slavery the fetters fall.

If you live a life of fear, hatred or the rejection of your truth, like me and countless others before you, choose freedom over slavery and watch those fetters fall.

My next blog will be: Tuesday Mass

William Defoe

I am beginning to build up within me a sense of calm. It is a new sensation for me.

I have lived my life since my confused adolescence in a raging storm of emotions which has wreaked havoc on all of my close relationships.

There have been moments of peace over the last 35 years, but, I have likened that to what would have happened in a storm if I had walked around a corner and experienced a brief respite from it, but my awareness of the storm never dimmed.

Two years ago, I confronted head on the truth of my gay sexuality which has raged within me as confusion, guilt, fear, self-loathing, inner conflict, resentment, anger and fear – my raging storm.

I have cultivated a place of calm through engaging fully in a process I now know as “Integral Coaching” which has provided me with a shelter from the storm – as if I have entered a “safe-house” whilst I come to terms with my truth and adapt to the freedom that I can now bring myself wholly and undivided in all my wonderful complexity to the world.

I am beginning to notice as I emerge from the “safe-house” that the storm has lessened. It still has the capacity to push and pull me, but it’s force is spent because the storm of fear is gradually being mellowed into a calm of self-acceptance.

If you feel divided and unhappy, follow me into a “safe-house” and discover your truth and then bring it wholly to the world.

My next blog will be: Freedom and slavery

William Defoe

When I was seventeen years old I received three anonymous Valentines Day cards from three mystery girls.

I worked out that one of them came from my friends girlfriend who wanted to make sure that I was not left out from the fun, the second I never worked out who it was from and the third one was from a young girl who I had only met once and never spoken to whom I began dating 3 months later  – she became my wife.

In the intervening years of our marriage although we have always exchanged cards and little gifts and I have sent her flowers the romance in the exercise was a little superficial.

Two years ago after confiding in my wife the truth about my sexuality and experiencing her huge capacity to include me fully in our marriage, my attitude to Valentines Day changed.

Through the trauma of having to tell her my truth and in fearing its consequences which have not come to pass in our marriage, I have wanted to respond to her with much more fullness and one of the ways I have done this is to acknowledge that she would like me to be romantic on Valentines Day.

So, for the third year in a row, I have booked a romantic meal in a very nice restaurant which includes a crooner serenading us during the evening. The stuff I loathed and rejected, which now I revel in, because in recognising my truth, my wonderful wife, has enabled me to see hers.

At the table I say to her, “Tell me again love – that card you sent to me when I was seventeen – was it because you fancied me?” “It was, wasn’t it”

Her response “Yes, love, if it makes you happy to believe that!”

My next blog will be: The Raging Storm

William Defoe

At the start of the year I introduced a change to an aspect of my daily living which has had a profound effect on me with a knock on effect to members of my family.

HUGE PROFOUND REVOLUTIONARY BRILLIANT EXCITING AWE-INSPIRING CHANGE!

So what is the change – here it comes:-

I SIT AND EAT MY EVENING MEAL AT THE KITCHEN TABLE !

For as long as I can remember, I have arrived home from work late after my family have eaten and I have sat in front of Channel 4 News at 7.00 pm eating my evening meal.

Late last year, I stopped putting the television on but I still sat with my meal on  my lap. I noticed that I had created an opportunity for conversation, actually an opportunity for me to listen and to  be supportive and supported.

The move to the kitchen wasn’t a new years resolution, it was a sudden impulse which builds onto the steps I took last year to be available.

Sometimes I sit on my own and I will eat in silence, but my head is not silent it is processing and celebrating the inward calm created by my outward availability. It does not have to be utilised to be worthwhile!

Often I am joined in the kitchen and capture precious moments with my daughters, moments of a mundane “how was your day?” have a thrilling effect on my being – the present moment utterly packed with a satisfaction that touches my core – the place where the hurt used to be.

My wife, bless her, will decamp to the kitchen and sit with me. We chat, we listen, we advise, we hold hands, while I drink my tea, before we break up to our respective evening activities.

Thanks for my meal tonight love, it was lovely!

My next blog will be: Valentines Day

William Defoe