I am thankful for my spiritual life which is influenced strongly by my Catholic faith.

I am quite devoted to the rosary because in reciting the repetitive structure of this beautiful prayer I am able to either contemplate (pray for) on one thing or offer up various prayers for my family, the sick, the dying, the lonely, an end to poverty and war etc.

Last week I had a call from my brother, who knows the truth about my sexuality.

I appreciate his care for me, but sometimes wish that I could meet up with him more often that our respective diaries allow.

We had a long conversation about the summer, our jobs and then he asked me how I was going on (meaning how was I going on with my mental health problems)

I explained that I had been reading “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer (which is referred to in earlier blogs – see Alvor) and how the Quaker influence of silence enabled me to connect to my inner teacher which had resonated strongly with me.

He ended the call by telling me that he thought I was doing great and then he said “I’ll pray for you”

I respect his prayers for me and I do believe that they are helping me to accept myself in the fullness of my truth, but I could not help myself thinking as the call ended, of how, if he had offered to go with me for a few drinks, as well, this would have answered my prayers.

You see, faith goes hand in hand with action because God cannot do it all on His own.

My next blog will be:     Torrid Day

William Defoe

In the film “Philomena”, Judy Dench plays the title role about a woman whose son was forcibly adopted against her wishes 50 years earlier by nuns.

Philomena says something which has grabbed my attention, as things do when like me, you are in tune with things that talk to your inner voice.

She says:-

“I don’t know which was the greater sin”

1/ Having the baby out of wedlock, or

2/ keeping his existence a secret for all these years

Philomena has lived her life with this dilemma – Do I keep the fact that I had a child fifty years ago a secret or do I tell my family that I had a child and I have kept his existence a secret all these years.

These questions going round and round in her head for years without knowing which way to turn.

This is the part that touches my own story of not feeling able to bring forward and explain my truth to my family in respect of my sexuality.

So many years have gone by and to announce it now risks creating the potential for rejection, ridicule and perhaps anger.

It also creates the potential for healing, growth, acceptance and love and therefore I will continue to strive for the time when I can display the same courage as Philomena.

What I am clear about though is this. Philomena was not in a state of sin for fifty years so neither of her dilemmas can have the accolade of being the greater sin because that belongs to the nuns who sold her son to a family abroad against her will.

My next blog will be:  “I’ll say a prayer for you”

William Defoe

I was told recently that my brother-in-law asked his mother-in-law (my mother) if she was happy whilst on holiday with her this summer.

My mother, I am told answered that she was happy, thank you,

My brother-in-law said to her “Well, if that is the case, will you tell your face that”

This may seem harsh to a reader looking at this without understanding the two people involved, but as I am naturally acquainted with both of these relatives, and their respective sense of humour, I can assure you that this was a very amusing exchange between them.

What interested me about the exchange, which I reflected upon after hearing it, is our own capacity to keep things hidden from our expression, sometimes suppressing a giggle, but more often suppressing a tear.

My life has involved shielding my truth from the world and although in recent years I have been able to explain my truth, in respect of my sexuality, to my wife and close family members, there are times when I feel very anguished in my isolation and fear and yet on the surface  – the face I present to the world each day is happy and jovial.

I know that wearing a smile does not necessarily mean that I am happy, but someone taking the time to ask the question “Are you happy?” might be just the prompt I need to drop the mask and tell the truth about the pain beneath.

Are you ready to do the same?

My next blog will be:  Which is the greater sin?

William Defoe

I have noticed recently that I do not particularly enjoy being served.

If I am at a restaurant I have noticed this need within me to make sure that I put the waiter at ease by being over polite, over attentive and over appreciative.

I think I do this to compensate in situations where I am with friends or family who treat the waiters as servants which is simply intolerable for me.

A couple of years ago we took some close friends to a local Indian Restaurant which me and my wife and children frequent very regularly – in fact, it is our favourite restaurant.

Our friends were quite dismissive to the staff and the evening was spoiled for both me and my wife and yet we managed to keep our feelings to ourselves.

The following week, we booked to go to the restaurant alone and explained how disappointed we were with the attitude of our friends who just seem to have a much looser regard for the people who provide a service to them.

I think the origins of my respectful approach to being served comes from the fact that it is in only relatively recent times that I have been able to afford to eat out on a regular basis and I still appreciate the luxury of being served.

It is a key aspect of my value system which I want to retain, as I transform by inner self, because a pre-requisite to loving self is an ability to be loving and respecting of others too.

My next blog will be:   Are you happy?

William Defoe

Katharine Worsley is Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Kent. She married Edward, Duke of Kent in 1961 and has three grown up children and numerous grandchildren.

The Duchess of Kent suffered the loss of a still born child in 1977 and has acknowledged publicly a period of severe depression which followed that sad event in her life.

She has come to my attention recently as someone who appears to have used her great inner strength and fortitude to forge a path in her later life which is both surprising and courageous and which has all the hall marks of a person that has responded to the call of her inner voice and found a way to respond.

Here are a few examples:-

• The Duchess asked the Queen for permission to become a Roman Catholic and converted to the faith in 1994 with HM Queen’s blessing.
• The Duchess asked the Queen for permission to divorce her husband, a request which was not granted and the marriage continues but the couple have lived separately for many years.
• The Duchess appears with her husband at state events from time to time and is understood to have become closer to him once again in recent years after he suffered a stroke.
• The Duchess gave up many of her Royal Duties (which were many) and became a school teacher of music at a state school in Hull, Yorkshire for thirteen years.
• The Duchess was known by the children as Mrs Kent.
• The Duchess has promoted a charity called “Future Talent” which provides financial support to those from poorer backgrounds with talent to fulfill their musical potential.

I’ve always had a deep respect for her, she radiates loveliness, and she has been a loyal and faithful support to the Royal Family throughout what appears to have been years of challenges in her marriage and personal life.

I feel inspired by her example of quiet loyalty on the one hand, and her response to her inner teacher on the other, to fulfill her potential in her own unique way.

My next blog will be:   Being Served

William Defoe

On the last day of my recent holiday I mentioned to my wife that the young girl who came round each day to collect the sunbed fee had not collected it from me today.

There was an element of me which thought, their loss, but I knew that would not do and so I said to my wife “what shall I do?”

Her reply: “Go over and pay it of course!”

We went over, but the young girl had left and in her place was a young life guard who took my money and said he would make sure that he gave it to her tomorrow.

As I walked away, I felt quite agitated and I said to my wife “that young lad will not give that money to her tomorrow, I am quite sure of it”

My wife says, “what is it to you, if he does or he does not pay it over we have been honest?”

“well I feel like I’ve been ripped off”, I said

To which she replies “we have had a service and we have paid for that service – we have done the right thing and that is an end to it – whether he pays it over or not is down to him and his conscience not ours”

Her response reminded me of Luke v 9, 10: in which Jesus says:-

“Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not. So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do“

It’s hard being married to a saint and a protestant one at that!

My next blog will be:   Katharine Worsley

William Defoe

I have been aware for some time that I am living within a transition in my life and for me, it has had been, and continues to have, elements of difficulty.

Whilst on holiday, I spent a hour each day reading and reflecting on a book, which I have referred to in my earlier posts called “A Hidden Wholeness” by Parker J Palmer.

I could write a blog everyday on the ways in which this book and his teaching have touched me and stirred within me such a restlessness to settle those parts of my life which have been and continue to be very anguished.

Mr Palmer talked about a process that he engaged in called “A Clearness Committee” **in which a group of people support an individual to connect with their inner voice by focusing on the individual in listening to them speak uninterrupted for fifteen minutes, followed by a series of open questions to the individual on the issues that they have raised.

**(Further rules apply around the nature of this process)

Parker J Palmer had himself submitted himself to this process and held three, two hour sessions, in the Clearness Committee over an eighteen month period.

Words emerged, which Mr Palmer recognised as his inner teacher – his voice of truth.

He said “I fear becoming a seventy-year-old man who does not know who he is when the books are out of print and the audiences are no longer applauding”

I am twenty years younger than Mr Palmer, but this sense of feeling lost and uncertain, especially in respect of my desire to move on to a more fulfilling work life and a more fulfilling intellectual and emotional life resonate strongly within me.

I have discovered, through the Integral Coaching development that I am undertaking, that I need to:-

• find my inner teacher and listen to the questions which emerge, and then
• find a place of safety to speak out these questions so that they are heard, and then
• continue my journey of living with the questions until such time as my inner teacher leads me to the answer.

My next blog will be:     Being Honest

William Defoe

I have noticed that as I become more resilient and accepting of my own identity, I am frequently affected quite deeply by the beauty of the natural world that surrounds us all.

On my recent holiday in Portugal we were frequently visited on the beach by some brave sparrows who pattered on the beach looking for scraps of food under and around the sunbeds.

I was utterly transfixed by them, and I felt intensely joyful at their courage (in coming near us) and their resilience.

On one occasion, whilst sat at a beach-side restaurant for lunch, I noticed two sparrows swaying precariously on a branch which rose up like a very thin twig from the sand.

They were being blown on this branch one sparrow above the other by the breeze and I was mesmerized as I watched them cling on as they were moved erratically in all directions.

These “precarious sparrows” did not let go even when, to my joy, a third sparrow joined them and in doing so, put the branch under even more strain, they all held fast to their positions.

Of course, on my current journey to acknowledge and honour my own truth, I am often on the look out for those signs that speak to me of my past, my present and my future and these three little birds represented for me all three!.

At all times in life we are fixed in different ways to our current circumstances or the troubles of the past or the fear of our future – our branch

We are buffeted by life’s events in all directions which cause us uncertainty, anxiety and pain, but also joy, happiness, truth – our breeze

Some people are constant in our lives – our bird number two

Some people come in and out of our lives in happy or difficult circumstances – our bird number three

Some people believe that they are watched over with love and joy by a deity and/or our parents or relatives – represented by me sat in the restaurant

As I sat there transfixed by these beautiful birds, they suddenly fled from the branch and settled out of sight.

This for me represents the choices that all of us can make to face up to the challenges of our lives by moving on, facing in or reaching out or a combination of all three.

My next blog will be:   Getting Older

William Defoe

About four years ago I got into a mindset of getting fit and I lost a lot of weight as a result of regularly swimming, running and watching my diet.

The weight came off very substantially, but in the intervening period, although I still run occasionally and swim rarely, some of my weight losses have been reversed.

Whilst on holiday last week, I quite enjoyed getting into the pool, which was reasonably quiet and I found myself counting the lengths as I swam up and down.

The action of counting, irritated me because I sensed that the freedom that I wanted to experience in the present moment, whilst on holiday, had become some kind of process in which I would record mentally the lengths I had done.

I sensed the tension and listened to my inner voice telling my critic to stop counting,

I said to myself “Just Swim” and think of something else that makes you feel calm as you do.

You see, this was my time to refresh and replenish my body, mind and spirit and for those few days, my new found inner strength enabled me to assert my need for calm over my need to succeed.

My next blog will be:  Precarious Sparrows

William Defoe

I’m back after a lovely relaxing week on holiday with my wife in Alvor, Portugal!

I have noticed a capacity within me, which is strengthening, to hold the narrative of the present moment, whilst I have been away.

This means that I have not suffered, and those around me have not suffered either, from the times in the past when a deep foreboding descended on me as the days to the end of the holiday seemed to draw closer.

I had the same intuitive feeling that the holiday was coming to an end, but my inner teacher was able to bring me back to the present moment and was able to guide me to recognise that a holiday is just that with a start, a lovely middle and an appreciative and accepting end.

I felt able to say to my wife, what would you prefer to do today, and to allow her to lead and not feel in anyway that I was somehow sacrificing a deeply held preference.

I was able to read, reflect, pray, laugh, feel emotional, live in the questions that I cannot yet answer but at the same time, feel peace and calm.

So the needs of my body, the needs of my mind, the needs of my spiritual and emotional life were able to find elements of time in the present moment of each day to be listened to and attended to with the help of my wife who says wryly that she is noticing a change in me that feels safe and supportive and life giving in supporting her needs too

My wife sent to me a text message today which said “thank you for a lovely holiday, I enjoyed spending my time with you”

Now if that is not a sign of progress on my journey of self acceptance after 28 years of marriage and inner turmoil, I don’t know what is!

My next blog will be: Just Swim

William Defoe